


Eliza's Recovery

by a_mind_at_work



Series: we keep living anyway [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Psychiatric Ward (more like a private treatment center), Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Recovery, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2018-12-13 21:59:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 42,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11769231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: When Elizabeth Schuyler is sent to Pine Manor Treatment Center, it feels like a prison sentence. But she quickly learns to find comfort in the new friends and supportive environment she's entered into.Everyone is there for their own reason, and everyone has their scars, whether they're visible or not. Can Eliza recover from her depression? Will she ever break down Theodosia's walls? Will Aaron ever speak? Why is Prudence so cruel to everyone? These, and many more questions, preoccupy her mind and follow her through her recovery.~COMPLETED~





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Each character is based off of a real person who lived during the American Revolution. A link to their bios will be provided at the end of each chapter, with a new person being linked each week. 
> 
> Can be read without reading entirety of Something They Can Never Take Away, but reading chapters 14, 20, 21, 26, 28, 30, 36, 41, 42, & 46-49 of STCNTA is essential to understanding Eliza's background and various references throughout the story.

_Three Days Earlier_   
  


John Laurens noticed that Eliza had left something behind when she disappeared into the school building–– a sky blue notebook with flowers sketched across the cover.

He flipped it open to a random page to see which class it was for, hoping it wasn’t for the one she just went to. As long as it was after lunch, it’d be fine. He’d see her at lunch, either in the cafeteria or library.

He scanned the page, which was absolutely full of black inky words.

_Sometimes I feel like a fall leaf, decayed by winter’s snow and ice, ready for the worms of spring to break me down into the nothing I already know I am… How can I ever compare to Angelica? So intelligent, beautiful, witty. Or Peggy, so sharp, adorable, funny. There are more than enough kids in my family that they certainly wouldn’t notice or care if I was no longer there…_

John dropped the notebook. He had to find Eliza.


	2. Day One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for this?! I sure hope you kiddos enjoy it and that reading it is as therapeutic as writing it has been for me <333

**_Monday_ **

**_Day One, 4:00 PM_ **

 

“I imagine it’s been quite a whirlwind of a day for you.” Dr. Wheatley sat in a firm-looking yellow armchair across from Eliza, who was hunched over, shrinking into herself, on the blue couch.

“Yeah,” Eliza said. Her eyes darted around the room. 

Dr. Wheatley smiled and nodded at the girl. “Well, we can start out slow. How’s that sound?” 

Eliza shut her eyes for a few seconds longer than normal. She didn’t want to “start out” fast or slow. She wanted to be home, nestled under the covers of her warm, familiar bed, listening to the playlist she’d made a few days ago. She wanted to be texting Angelica and Peggy, and Maria, who’d been keeping in touch with her more since baby Catherine’s death. She wanted to text Alexander. 

_ Alexander.  _

She shuddered as she thought of Alex, and John, and Herc and Laf. She’d hurt them all, but especially John. She’d  _ terrified  _ John, and she hadn’t meant to. She really hadn’t meant to. If only he hadn’t found it. If only he hadn’t read it. If only––

“Eliza?” Dr. Wheatley’s voice snapped her back to reality. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking about?”

Eliza sighed. What was the use of keeping secrets anymore? They wouldn’t let her out until she was  _ cured _ , and her father had enough money to keep her in for as long as that took. So why not try to speed things up?

“My friends. Or, really, my friend John.”

Dr. Wheatley scribbled something on her notepad. “Is there a particular reason you’re thinking about John?”

Eliza shrugged, even though she knew the answer. When Dr. Wheatley stayed silent, Eliza realized she was going to have to speak.

“He found my notebook. The one that got me admitted.”

Dr. Wheatley set her pen down. “What was in the notebook?” 

Her voice was soft, gentle. Eliza had to admit it–– she liked her already.

“I… I wrote about wishing I was dead,” she said in a small voice.

Dr. Wheatley nodded. “Those are some scary feelings,” she said. “Do you still feel that way?”

“Yes,” Eliza whispered before she could lie.

Eliza expected her therapist to jump out of her chair and ring some alarm, to have nurses come and lock her up. Instead, Dr. Wheatley wrote something down on her notepad again.

“I’m proud of you for telling me the truth,” she said. She looked Eliza in the eye. “If we keep talking like this, openly and honestly, you’ll be feeling better very soon.”

Eliza wasn’t so sure she believed her, but what did she have to lose? She was here. There was nowhere else she could go. She was here to get better, so what could be the harm in trying?

 

**_Day One, 5:30 PM_ **

 

“And here’s the dining room!” 

One of the nurses led Eliza into a rather ornate room. It had three large mahogany tables, red flocked wallpaper, and a shimmering chandelier hanging from the ceiling. There were water pitchers at each table, and place settings of silverware and fine china. It looked much more like a fancy restaurant than a treatment center for teenagers. 

There were a few kids at each table, and Eliza had no idea where to go. She hadn’t met anyone, not even her roommate, yet. Thankfully, the nurse seemed to sense Eliza’s hesitation. 

“Why don’t you have a seat right over there, sweetie?” She motioned to a table where two other girls were seated. 

Eliza slowly made her way over to them, afraid to intrude, but knowing she had no other choice, really. 

One of the girls had dark brown skin and puffy brown curls that bounced as she talked and moved her hands about enthusiastically. The other girl had stringy brown hair and sickly pale skin. She appeared to be shrinking further and further into herself with every second, but the animated girl either didn’t notice or was used to the other girl’s behavior. 

Eliza hovered awkwardly to the side of the table. The first girl caught her eye and her face lit up.

“OMG are you my roommate? Elizabeth Schuyler?” She sprang out of her seat and thrust out her hand. “My name is Theodosia!”

Eliza took her hand, noting how warm it was. She felt bad, knowing her hands were actual ice cubes at the moment.

“Yeah, but you can call me Eliza,” she said.

“Eliza it is! And you can call me Theo. Oh man, it’s gonna be awesome to have a roommate again. I can help you get the lay of the land, too. Consider me your personal guide!”

“Okay, thank you,” Eliza said with an anxious laugh.

The other girl glanced up at Eliza and Theodosia. Theo jumped in-between them.

“How silly of me to forget! Of course you haven’t met Molly yet!”

The girl stayed seated, but held out her hand. “Margaret Corbin, but you can call me Molly.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Eliza said. 

Just then, a woman in high heels that clacked loudly against the shiny wooden floorboards walked into the room, right through it behind a swinging door, which Eliza guessed led to the kitchen. 

“That’s Ms. Shippen. She’s the counselor who hangs out with us at every meal,” Theo said. “She’s super nice, but she really makes sure you eat, especially if you’re here for an eating disorder.” Theo paused, as if she were waiting for Eliza to say something.

_ Oh,  _ Eliza realized after a beat.  _ She wants to know why I’m here.  _

“Oh, uh, well I’m not here for that,” she stammered. “Uh, depression and suicidal… thoughts?” 

Theo nodded. “Same. Well, depression, and a suicide attempt. Two, actually, but my parents didn’t know about the first one.” 

“Bipolar,” Molly said before chugging her glass of water.

Eliza looked at the other two tables where various kids, six in total, were gathered. There were only two boys, one with dark skin and a bald head, the other with a mess of brown curls and rosy cheeks. Before she got a chance to study the girls, Ms. Shippen clacked back into the room carrying a tray, followed by two other people also carrying trays. 

“Fuck,” one of the girls on the other side of the room said. 

Ms. Shippen smiled at her. “Can you expand on that feeling, Prudence?” she asked, her voice smooth as honey. Everything about her was smooth. Her silky blonde hair, her creamy skin, even her pencil skirt and navy top looked free of wrinkles.

“ _ Fuck  _ as in I don’t know what’s under those trays and it’s really fucking with my head and making me freak out a bit.”

“A bit?” the girl across from her said.

“Okay, maybe not a bit.” Prudence said. “A fucking  _ lot _ .” 

This earned a few giggles from the two girls with her at the table. 

“Thank you for sharing, Prudence. Nancy,” Ms. Shippen said, addressing the other girl who had spoken. “Do you care to add?”

“No, thank you,” she said sweetly.

Ms. Shippen smiled, and continued in with the trays. She brought hers over to the Prudence-Nancy-Mystery Girl table and unveiled what looked to be a towering salad, complete with sprouts and croutons. 

“You must put one dressing on it,” she told the girls. “You can choose from the ones in the middle of your table.”

“But what if we don’t like dressing?” Nancy asked.

“This happens every single night,” Theo whispered to Eliza. Molly nodded in agreement.

“Rules are rules, Nancy,” Ms. Shippen said with a sympathetic smile. 

“Fine,” Nancy grumbled before selecting the blue cheese. 

Eliza watched as another woman brought a tray over to them. “Here you go, girls,” she said sweetly.

Eliza noticed they didn’t get the same talk about dressings, but that Molly and Theo reached for them all the same. “Do we have to, too?” 

Theo shook her head. “Nah, it’s only if you’re on a calorie-enhancing diet or whatever they call it.” She looked at Eliza. “But salad without dressing is kind of nasty, so I do recommend it,” she said with a shrug. 

Eliza nodded. She agreed, but was almost relieved to know she had a choice. She glanced over at the other girls, her heart sinking a bit.  _ How awful it must feel to have no control, no choice.  _ Just then, Ms. Shippen’s soft voice caught Eliza’s attention again. This time the woman was at the other table, with one of the boys, the one who was bald.

“Aaron, you have to pick a dressing,” she said.

The boy, Aaron, sat there silently. 

“If you don’t, I will.”

He didn’t say a word. He didn’t move an inch.

Ms. Shippen sighed and reached for one of the bottles. 

“That also happens every night,” Theo said, a tinge of sadness in her voice. “He’s only been here for like, five days, and I think in all that time I’ve only heard him speak once.” 

“Is he…” Eliza was about to ask  _ Is he okay?  _ but then she realized how redundant that question was. Of course he was not okay. None of them were. But Theo seemed to understand what Eliza had met.

“I don’t know much about him. Paul is his roommate, and even he doesn’t know much. We know he has an ED because of the whole salad dressing thing and some other stuff you’ll see later, but aside from that we’re in the dark.” Theo stabbed a cherry tomato with her fork.

Eliza nodded and turned her attention to her salad. She had a feeling she was in for a long night.   
  
  


**_Day One, 7:00 PM_ **

 

The Common Room was two things: comfy and  _ loud. _

Comfy because it was filled with two overstuffed couches, three arm chairs, a few beanbags, and an abundance of pillows and warm blankets. Aaron, Nancy, Prudence, and the other girl from Prudence’s table had all huddled under blankets as soon as they were released from the dining room.The girls were together on one of the couches, but Burr was alone, and Eliza felt bad because she could see he was shivering, but clearly he didn’t want anyone near him.

_ Or does he? Is he like me? Does he act like he’s fine alone, but, really, he wishes someone would break through his defenses?  _

Theo seemed to notice, too. She leaned over to Eliza and whispered in her ear. “I feel bad for him. I want to say something, but I don’t know what.”

“Yeah,” Eliza agreed. She looked across the room at where Paul, Molly, and another girl–– Theo had told her she was called Deborah–– were seated at a table playing cards. Eliza also noticed some paper and markers on the other end of the table, and an idea popped into her mind.

When Peggy had gotten the chickenpox before Eliza or Angelica, and their parents quarantined the toddler, Angelica and Eliza had been inconsolable. They  _ hated  _ being separated from their sister. 

“You can draw things for her, write her notes,” their mother had suggested. 

The girls had clung to that, drawing for Peggy whenever they weren’t eating, sleeping, or in school. Soon enough they came down with the illness, too, and were reunited, but the notes had helped ease their loneliness. 

While Eliza didn’t think Aaron would appreciate drawings of teddy bears and unicorns, a note to let him know he had someone on his side might do. She filled Theo in on her idea. The other girl’s face lit up in an instant. 

“Yes! A million times yes! Let’s do it,” she declared. 

A moment later the girls were hard at work on a letter for Aaron.  
  


_ Dear Aaron, _

_ We thought you looked a little lonely and like you could use some pals to talk with. You already know me, Theo, and this is my new roommate, Eliza. We know talking out loud isn’t really your thing, but maybe you like to write notes? If so, write us back some time. If not, no hard feelings.  _

_ Hopefully your new friends,  _

__ Theo and Eliza, Room 103  
  


Theo, being much bolder than Eliza, was the one to deliver the note. The two girls did their best not to stare as he read it, peeking up from the magazines they’d grabbed off the table at what they thought were unsuspicious intervals. 

He read it a few times before folding it and tucking it in his jeans pocket. Just then, Ms. Shippen announced that free time was over. 

“Bed time,” she said. She looked at Theo. “Can you tell Eliza how our routine goes?”

“Sure!” Theo exclaimed. With that she launched into it, and Eliza lost sight of Aaron as everyone went off to get ready for bed. 

 

**_Day One, 9:15 PM_ **

 

The girls were in their room, the light off, door ajar. 

“Protocol,” Theo explained. “They do checks every so often. Because you’re new, I think it’ll be every 15 minutes.” 

“Every 15 minutes?” Eliza couldn’t believe it. Wasn’t that just… excessive? 

“Yeah,” Theo said. “Especially if you’re here for being suicidal.” 

At that Eliza had fallen silent. What else could she say? Part of her was grateful Theo was there for similar reasons. It made her feel less alone, anyway.

As energetic as Theodosia was, she fell asleep quickly. She mumbled something about a medication that made her drowsy before she started to snore. Eliza was left alone with her thoughts, staring up at the ceiling. True to Theo’s word, a nurse poked their head and flashlight into the room about every fifteen minutes. At first the beam of light felt invasive, but soon Eliza found it comforting. 

_ At least I can count of this,  _ she thought.  _ This routine is set, stable.  _

Her thoughts turned to her siblings, specifically Angelica and Peggy, who were undoubtedly still awake. Peggy was probably working on some big project while Angie was studying for finals. Eliza wondered if they’d heard, and if they were thinking of her. Did they miss her? Pity her? Hate her?

She thought of her other younger siblings, Rensselaer and Cornelia, and of baby Cortlandt. She tried not to think of baby Catherine, but every time she closed her eyes, Eliza saw her. She saw her lying in that incubator in the NICU, her chest painfully moving up and down, forced by an oxygen machine. Then she saw her blue lips, her too-pale skin, her small form dressed in the christening gown she never wore in life.

Eliza sat up in her bed panting, beads of sweat trickling down her forehead. Just then, a beam of light hit her face, and it took everything in her not to scream at the person to just leave her alone for more than fifteen minutes, please.

“Are y’all okay, sweetheart?” A nurse with short black hair and dark skin stood in the doorway.

“No,” Eliza whispered. 

“Wanna come on out here and tell me what’s going on, sweetpea?” 

“Okay,” Eliza said. 

She shoved her feet into her slippers and padded out into the hallway, where the light wasn’t as bright as it was during the day, but was still somewhat on. The nurse motioned for Eliza to join her on a nearby bench. Eliza sat and pulled her knees up under her chin, rocking back and forth ever so slightly. 

“My name is Betsey, by the way,” she said with a smile.

“I’m Eliza.”

“Nice to meet you, sweetpea. Now, what’s keeping you up?”

Eliza shrugged. “It’s a new place, I guess.”

“I understand that,” Betsey said. 

“Yeah,” Eliza said, already feeling a bit better.

“Is there something else bothering you?” Betsey gently asked. 

“Well…” Eliza stammered. “Uh, I miss my siblings. And, um, I was thinking of my baby sister who, uh, who…” She took a deep breath. 

_ You can say it, Eliza. Come on, say it.  _

“I was thinking of my baby sister who died.”

“Oh, sweetpea,” Betsey said. “I am so, so sorry.”

Eliza nodded and tried to pretend tears weren’t prickling at her eyes. 

“Can I give you a hug, sweetie?”

“Yeah,” Eliza said, her voice thick with tears.

Betsey wrapped her arms around Eliza, and Eliza breathed in her comforting perfume–– a cross between coconut and the fresh smell of laundry detergent.  
  
_ Is this what getting better feels like?  _ Eliza wondered.  _ Because maybe it won’t be so bad.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHILLIS WHEATLEY IS AMAZING PLEASE LEARN ABOUT HER:https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/phillis-wheatley
> 
> So, what did you think?! I would love, love, love your comments. Comments and kudos make my day! And I'm still not decided on an update day for this fic. Let me know if you have a preference! 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: @undiscoveredstory or Twitter: @Utterly_Jessie
> 
> <333333


	3. Day Two

 

 **Tuesday**  
  
Day Two

 

_ Day Two, 7:30 AM _

 

Theo was not easy to wake up. They were supposed to be in the dining hall by 7:45, and the other girl was still in bed. All that was visible of her were some of her curls poking out from under her ty-dye blanket. 

“Theo,” Eliza shook her shoulder for the third time in five minutes. “We gotta get up.”

“Mmmmmm,” Theo mumbled, burying herself further in the blankets. 

“Theo,” Eliza shook her harder. 

“Theo!” Deborah, Eliza believed her name was, hollered from the doorway. “Pancakes for breakfast!”

Theo sat right up, her eyes bleary with sleep, but darting around the room as if the pancakes could appear at any moment.

“You gotta come to the dining room, smartie,” Deborah said with a laugh.

“Pancakes,” Theo mumbled. 

“In the dining room,” Eliza said. 

“Right…” Theo swung her legs out of bed and got ready for the day. Eliza turned to the corner, blushing slightly, though she wasn’t sure why.

Everyone sat in the same formation as the night before. Eliza took at seat with Theo and Molly, this time not panicking over where to sit or how the meal would progress. 

Ms. Shippen did indeed emerge from the kitchen with stacks of pancakes. On a table off to the side of the room sat packets of butter and jars of natural maple syrup. Eliza watched the same interactions and conversations as the night prior unfold, this time over butter packets and maple syrup instead of salad dressing. In complete contrast to the girls on the other side of the room, Theodosia dove into her meal right away with an enthusiasm that made Eliza laugh.

She was soon swept up in a conversation about the dream Theo had had and it was only as breakfast was coming to an end that she noticed Aaron sitting in front of an untouched plate of pancakes with syrup dribbled over them. Ms. Shippen approached him with a bottle of something, taking the plate away. 

“That’s meal supplement,” Theo said. “Aaron gets it every time, and so did the others when they first started here. Now they only get them sometimes, usually when they’re having particularly bad days.”

“Why’s he get it?” Eliza asked.

“He didn’t eat,” Molly said. “He’s got intake requirements and yada yada.” She speared her last piece of pancake and shoved it into her mouth.

“Molly is clearly very sensitive to our fellow patients’ struggle.” Theo rolled her eyes.

“Poor Aaron,” Eliza said softly. “It’s gotta be hard.”

Molly shrugged. “We all got our struggles. Mine was stealing my mom’s credit card and buying two thousand dollars worth of replica American Revolutionary War soldiers. Aaron’s is eating, Theo’s is wanting to die, and yours…” 

“Molly!” Theo exclaimed. 

“You bought two thousand dollars worth of them? How?” Eliza said in hopes of changing the subject.

“Manic episode. Thought it was a sound idea at the time,” Molly said to Eliza before glaring at Theo. “And Theo, we’re  _ supposed  _ to talk about our struggles and shit, not coddle each other.”

“You’re not supposed to be so crude, though,” Theo snapped. 

The sound of chairs scraping against the floor stopped the escalating argument.

“Group time,” Molly sighed.

“Group time?” Eliza echoed. 

Theo took her by the arm. “You’ll see, young grasshopper. You shall see.”

 

_ Day Two, 9 AM _

 

“We have a new face at group today!” Ms. Shippen said once all the kids had taken their seats in the circle. “So instead of putting her on the spot, let’s go around and introduce ourselves.” She scanned the faces, settling on Prudence. “Prudence, you go first.”

“I’d rather not.” Prudence crossed her arms and glared at Ms. Shippen.

Ms. Shippen remained silent. Prudence began to squirm in her seat before she finally caved in.

“Fine, fine,” Prudence muttered. She tossed her blonde locks over her shoulder rather obnoxiously. “I’m Prudence Wright, I’m 16, and I’m from Massachusetts.” 

“Thank you, Prudence,” Ms. Shippen said with a sigh. She looked at the next girl.

That girl was the other girl who sat with Prudence and Nancy at meal times. She cleared her throat and looked down at her lap. Her hands were tightly clenched the sides of her chair, her knuckles turning white.

“I’m, uh, Emily. Emily Geiger. I’m 15 and from South Carolina.” She tucked a strand of smooth black hair behind her ear. “Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Nancy Hart. 17, Georgia born and raised,” she said in a drawl. “I would have the most old-person-sounding name if it weren’t for blondie,” she pointed at Prudence, a grin on her face. 

Prudence rolled her eyes, but a smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

Ms. Shippen gestured to the next girl.

“Right,” she said quickly with a nervous hiccup. “I-I’m E-eliza-a-beth Z-Zane. Everyone c-calls me Lizzie, though.” She took a gulp of air and rushed on with her introduction. “I’m 14 and from West Virginia.” 

It was Aaron’s turn. He didn’t look up from the ground, where his eyes had been the entire time. Silence descended upon the group for an awkward ten seconds before the boy next to him jumped in.

“He’s Aaron Burr. Not a big talker,” he said awkwardly. “I’m Paul Revere. I’m 16 and from beautiful Boston,” he said with a grin.

It was Deborah’s turn. She sat up straight as she spoke. “Right, uh, Deborah Sampson, 18, Massachusetts.” She slumped down in her chair again. 

“Molly Corbin, 15, Pennsylvania. And not from a cool place like Philly. From the absolute middle of nowhere.”

“And that leaves me! You know me,” Theo said.

“And Eliza, would you like to introduce yourself?” Ms. Shippen asked. 

“I’m Eliza Schuyler. I’m 17 and from New York.” She looked around the group. “And not the city,” she added with a nervous laugh.

Molly and Emily smiled at her, and she knew without looking that Theo was beaming. Ms. Shippen nodded. 

“Thanks for sharing, everyone. We’re gonna get down to today’s discussion topic, but first, can anyone explain the rules of group to Eliza?”

Paul’s hand shot up. 

“Yes, Paul,” Ms. Shippen said.

“So we have to raise our hands to speak, and we can’t interrupt each other. Oh, and no name calling. The occasional swear word is okay, but not too many.”

“This is a safe space where we offer love and support to one another,” Ms. Shippen added. “We respect each other here.”

Eliza nodded. Her stomach was doing flips.  _ I hope I don’t have to say anything.  _

“So our discussion topic today is family–– how they react to our struggles, how they help or don’t help, and how we can ask them to take a more helpful approach to our recoveries.” 

Deborah raised her hand. 

“Yes, Deborah,” Ms. Shippen said.

“Well, I’m in an odd situation. My dad has been… absent… since I was five, and my mom is so poor that the only reason I’m here is because my aunt feels bad about my deadbeat dad, who is her brother, by the way, so she’s paying. So when I go back there I don’t feel like I can expect my mom to add on to her already stressful life to cater to my whims or whatever.” She shrugged and slouched even further in her chair.

Ms. Shippen nodded. “Deborah raises a really excellent point about family and not wanting to make them feel obliged to help us.

Paul raised his hand. “But isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? To help us?”

Prudence’s hand went up. “What if your mom is a stone cold bitch and––” 

“Is there a different way to say that?” Ms. Shippen asked.

Prudence rolled her eyes. “We get to swear  _ some _ times.” 

Ms. Shippen raised her hands in defeat. “Fine, fine. But I think this a good place to get deeper into discussion. Both Deborah and Paul have good points. Can anyone think of a way to phrase the question they’re getting at?”

Emily raised a shaky hand. “Wh-what is the r-r-role of our p-p-a-arents in our r-recovery?” 

“Excellent, Emily,” Ms. Shippen said with a smile. 

Emily shyly smiled back before averting her eyes to the floor again.

“So what do we think of the question Emily just posed to us?”

Theo’s hand flew up. “I think our parents need to be involved, and especially if they’re part of the reason why we’re like this.”

“Can you expand?” Ms. Shippen encouraged. 

“Well, I just think if we don’t include them in our recovery, it’ll be harder to stay in recovery when we leave here. Even if they aren’t part of the problem, they need to be part of the solution.”

Prudence groaned. 

“Well said, Theodosia.” Ms. Shippen turned to Prudence. “Did you have something to add, Prudence?” 

“Nothing aside from I’m tired of watching Theo be a suckup all the time.”

Ms. Shippen sighed. She gestured to someone out of Eliza’s sight. Eliza turned to see Betsey walking toward the circle. 

“Prudence, I think you need some time to yourself. Betsey will show you to your room. I’ll be by once group is dismissed to speak with you.” 

Prudence stood. Eliza got a good look at the girl for the first time. She was pale, her blonde hair lackluster, and she was trembling. Not at all like the persona she projected. 

“Fine, whatever,” she mumbled. She followed Betsey into the hallway. 

“Happens at least twice a week,” Theo whispered to Eliza.

Eliza wanted to ask Theo to explain, but Ms. Shippen gave them no time. Eliza remained silent for the rest of group, half-listening to the rest of the kids debate the role of parents in their illnesses and recoveries. All Eliza could think of was the voices she didn’t hear. Aaron’s–– the boy sat there with his eyes trained on his shoes–– and Prudence’s. She understood why her heart went out to Aaron, but why Prudence? What was it about her that brought up such feelings of sadness, of empathy, in Eliza?

Eliza couldn’t wait for group to end. She had  _ so  _ many questions to ask Theodosia.

 

_ Day Two, 10:30 AM _

 

Eliza still hadn’t had a chance to ask Theo a single thing. As soon as group ended she was instructed to go to Dr. Wheatley’s office for her daily therapy appointment. 

_ And I thought weekly was bad.  _ Eliza’s leg would not stop bouncing, no matter how hard she tried, as she sat in one of the chairs outside of Dr. Wheatley’s office. Her eyes darted around the hallway, quickly taking in the cheery paintings of landscapes and sunsets and mountains that dotted the walls. She nearly jumped from her seat when Dr. Wheatley opened the door. 

“I’m ready for you, Eliza. Come on in,” she said. 

Eliza took a seat on the couch. She sat slightly hunched forward, as if she were trying to shrink into herself. Maybe she  _ was  _ trying to sink into herself. Maybe she just wanted to disappear.

“How are you today?” Dr. Wheatley asked.

“Good,” Eliza said out of habit. 

Dr. Wheatley looked at her for a moment, as if she were trying to decide if she should push Eliza on this matter or not. She gave Eliza a tight-lipped nod and moved forward. 

“How are you finding it here?”

“It’s… nicer that I thought it would be,” Eliza said.

“How so?” 

“Well, it’s… not really like a hospital. It feels more like a community.”

Dr. Wheatley smiled. “I’m glad you feel that way. I hope you’re finding it to be a supportive community so far.”

“I really like my roommate, Theodosia. She’s hilarious, and really helpful. She’s been helping me get to know everyone and understand some of what goes on here.” 

“Has it been confusing, or overwhelming?” 

“A bit of both,” Eliza said with a nervous laugh. 

“I’m glad you have Theo has a guide. She’s a good one.” Dr. Wheatley flipped a page in her notepad. “So, I was thinking we could talk a bit more about what led you to us. About the notebook, and what you were feeling when you wrote in it.”

_ Damn my notebook,  _ Eliza thought. She was getting tired of rehashing it.  _ Those were my private thoughts. I didn’t ask for them to be seen, to be shown to anyone.  _

“I was sad. We’d just lost my little sister and I was feeling… numb.” 

Dr. Wheatley wrote something down. “Can you describe the numbness?” 

Eliza looked down at her shoes. She hated this part, the whole _explicitly_ _explaining your feelings_ thing. 

“Just… I was empty. I felt like something had drained the life from me, and I didn’t even care. I couldn’t care. And it made me feel––”

_ You can’t. You can’t say that. Don’t show what you really are.  _

“It made you feel like what?” Dr. Wheatley encouraged. 

“I-I don’t know,” Eliza stuttered. She sunk down on the couch and avoided Dr. Wheatley’s eyes. She barely spoke for the rest of the session, but Dr. Wheatley wasn’t at a loss for how to fill their hour. She taught Eliza some breathing exercises and instructed her to try journaling again.

“You can show me the journals if you’d like, but you’re not required to.” She handed Eliza a purple composition book. “Writing can be therapeutic.” 

That reminded Eliza of Alexander, and she was overwhelmed with a longing to see him and John and Laf and Herc again. She wondered how they were. She wondered if they hated her for what she’d put them–– especially John–– through. 

_ Of course they hate you. How could they not after your dramatics? _

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Eliza,” Dr. Wheatley said, disrupting her thoughts. 

“Yeah, right,” Eliza said quickly. “See you then.”

She left Dr. Wheatley’s office, notebook clutched to her chest. Maybe, just maybe, it could make a difference.

_ I wouldn’t bet on it,  _ the voice countered. 

_ Well,  _ Eliza thought.  __ What more do I have to lose?   
  
  


_ Day Two, 7:30 pm  _

 

Aaron Burr sat by himself in one of the armchairs, a blanket wound tightly around him and a distant look in his eyes. Eliza didn’t realize she was staring at him until Theo tapped her on the shoulder.

“Yo, you zoning out or just straight-up staring at Aaron?” 

“Uh, both,” Eliza said. 

She turned her attention to the couch, where Prudence, Nancy, and Emily were huddled together under a pile of blankets. Emily had fallen asleep, her head slumped on Nancy’s shoulder while Nancy absently played with her hair. Meanwhile, Prudence frowned at a paper in her hands. 

“Bitch,” Prudence muttered.

“Hmm?” Nancy asked.

“My mom. She wrote me a letter and she’s such a––”

“Bitch, yeah, I got it,” Nancy droned. 

Prudence rolled her eyes. “Let me say it! It’s supposed to be therapeutic or some shit.”

“You say it like at least once an hour and I’m pretty sure that’s not how therapy works.” Nancy yawned. 

Prudence huffed and turned back to her letter. 

“Heh,” Theo snickered from next to Eliza. “Now that’s an interesting show.”

Eliza nodded, but something felt off. Prudence was here for the same reason they all were–– she was sick. Sure, she seemed snippy, but it didn’t feel right to make fun of her. After all, her father had once told her that cruelty was often a mask for pain and hurt. 

_ Not like you can do anything,  _ the voice told Eliza.  _ You can’t even get Burr to write back to you.  _

Eliza sighed.  _ I need to focus on my own recovery. I need to focus on getting out of here.  _

She turned back to Theo and Deborah, who were starting a game of Go Fish. She let herself get swept up in their banter, but as hard as she tried, a part of her remained with Prudence, and a part with Aaron. She wanted to help them, but how?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week I'm featuring Prudence Wright, because the real woman was nowhere near as awful as I make her in this fic, but was actually rather awesome: http://www.womenhistoryblog.com/2009/05/prudence-cummings-wright.html 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! From now on it'll be updated on Sundays :) Comments and kudos make my day! And as always, you can chill with me on tumblr: @undiscoveredstory or twitter: @Utterly_Jessie <333333


	4. Day Three

******_Wednesday_ **   
  


_ Day Three, 2:30 pm  _

 

Eliza lounged on her bed during her free time. She was nearly asleep when she heard the soft sound of something hitting the floor close to her bed. She blinked her eyes open to see a crumpled up piece of paper. She looked toward the door, but nobody was there. She cautiously picked up the paper and unfurled it.  
  


_ Theo and Eliza, _

_ Thanks for the note. Writing would be nice, but I don’t want to talk about anything personal. So… some fine weather we’re having, huh? Kidding. But let’s start with the basics. Family–– siblings, pets, etc. Maybe even favorite color. _

_ Your friend, _

__ Aaron, Room 105  
  


Eliza read the note a few more times before she was startled by Theo trudging through the doorway. Theo’s eyes were red and puffy, her usual smile gone. But as soon as she saw Eliza, her face contorted into a grin that didn’t reach her eyes. Eliza was about to ask what was wrong, but Theo instead bounded onto bed next to her, trying to read over her shoulder. 

“Whatcha got there?” she asked excitedly.

_ I would never have known she’d been crying ten seconds earlier had I not seen,  _ Eliza thought. 

She handed Theo the note. “It’s from Aaron,” she said.

Theo squealed in excitement. She read it and proceeded to run around the room, returning with a sheet of paper and markers a few moments later.    
  


_ Dear Aaron, _

_ We’re so happy to hear from you! You got it. Nothing uber personal. We’ll take turns writing here.  _

_ First is Theo. I’ve got five half-siblings, but they’re just siblings to me. All younger. All wild. All utterly lovely. I’ve got my wonderful mom and stepdad, who is more like a dad to me since my real one died before I was born. We have two adopted cats, too, and they own my heart. My favorite color is pink, like, pastel pink. I used to dance, so that probably explains. _

_ Now this is Eliza :) I’ve got a huge family, too. Mom, Dad, one older sister, two younger sisters, and two younger brothers. I’m super close with them all, but especially Angelica and Peggy because we’re all a year apart in age. No pets, but sometimes we feed the squirrels and birds outside and name them. My favorite color is light blue. It’s calming. _

_ Okay, your turn! Do spill :) _

_ Your friends, _

__ Theo & Eliza   
  
  


“I’ll go slip it in his room,” Theo said with a smile. She jumped up and dashed off with the note before Eliza could say a word.

Eliza sat there, all the things she wanted to say to Theo swirling around in her mind.  _ Why were you crying? Why do you pretend? What will it take for me to break down your walls and know you fully and truly?  _ But when Theo returned a few minutes later, any courage Eliza had disappeared.

“So Aaron wasn’t there, but Paul was, so I left it on Aaron’s night stand and Paul said he’d make certain Aaron saw it.” Theo flopped backward onto her own bed.

“Okay,” Eliza said.

“I’m gonna nap,” Theo said. “That Dr. Wheatley is draining sometimes.”

_ The perfect opening! Ask her!  _

“Oh, really?” Eliza prompted.

Theo shrugged, her back turned to Eliza. “Yeah, but all therapy is like that.” There was a pause before Theo mumbled, “See you for dinner.” 

Eliza leaned back on her own bed, listening as Theo’s breathing evened out. 

_ I wish she would talk to me,  _ Eliza thought.  _ Actually talk to me.  _

Eliza shut her eyes and drifted off.

 

_ Day Three, 8:00 PM _

“Movie night! Movie night!” Nancy danced around the common room in her pajamas. 

Everyone was in their pajamas, which ranged from perfectly matched sets to old t-shirts and sweatpants. Prudence of course had silky pajamas and a plush white bathrobe. They were mostly obscured by the flannel blanket and quilt she was huddled under, though. Theo was in her usual band t-shirt, tonight’s was Paramore, and plaid flannel pants. 

Eliza had been a bit self conscious about wearing her pajamas outside of her bedroom, but as soon as she saw everyone else doing so nonchalantly, she felt better. She wore a shirt from her old boarding school, one from sophomore year, which met Peggy and Angie had the same shirts, too. She wondered if they were wearing theirs.

_ That’s ridiculous. What are the chances of that? They probably aren’t even thinking of you, and if they are, they hate you. _

_ But Peggy called, and Angie called,  _ Eliza countered.  _ The nurses told me so.  _

_ Yet you haven’t called back. There’s a reason for that, and it’s because you know they hate you.  _

Earlier that morning Betsey had found Eliza as she left the dining room. “Your sister Angelica called again,” she said. “She called on your first day, but in all the craziness I don’t think the message ever got to you.”

“What did she say?” Eliza tried not to sound too invested, but how could she not be?

“She wants to talk to you,” Betsey said with a smile. “You can use the phone during free time to call her back,” she offered. 

“Okay,” Eliza said even though she had no intention of calling back.

What could she say to Angelica? Angelica had her entire life together. Eliza didn’t want to hold her back. 

Later that afternoon, right before dinner, Betsey found her yet again. “One of your other sisters, Peggy, called. She said she’d be busy until tonight, but that any time after eight you could call.”

Eliza bit her lip and nodded. 

“You can call during movie time, if you’d like. I’ll let you into the office,” Betsey generously offered.

“Thank you, but I can call her tomorrow.” Eliza started to walk away, but Betsey said one more thing, her voice soft, almost unnoticeable. 

“She said she misses you, sweetpea. And I could tell she meant it.”

Eliza nodded, her eyes downcast to hide the tears that were starting to gather there.

_ How could she miss me, her failure of a big sister? I can’t let her near me when I’m like this. I needed to be strong for her and I failed. I can’t fail her anymore than I already have. This is best for her.  _

Eliza was snapped out of her revere by Theo shoving a bag of popcorn into her hands. 

“Butter and salt are optional,” Theo said. “I ask for caramel sauce, and you can, too, but everyone else here thinks it’s gross.” 

Eliza popped a kernel into her mouth. It was definitely lacking. “I’ll just throw some salt on it,” she said.

She walked over to the popcorn station and salted it, closing the bag and shaking it to more evenly distribute the salt. Molly was adding butter to hers, and Deborah had grabbed a movie-sized box of M&Ms. 

“My fav,” she said when she saw Eliza staring. “Twix are good, too, but M&Ms last me longer.” 

Eliza smiled. “My little sister picks them when we go to the movies for the same reason.”

Deborah’s face lit up. “That kid’s smart!”

Paul and Lizzie were getting some kind of candy, too, and Emily stood in front of the snack bar, as well, her hands shaking. Ms. Shippen was next to her.

“So you decided on the popcorn in session today, right?” 

“Y-yeah,” Emily stammered. 

“Okay, great! So let’s get a bag, and then we’ll think about what to add to it.”

“Add?” Emily asked, fear evident in her voice.

“Just one thing, your choice,” Ms. Shippen reassured her. 

Emily took a deep breath. Eliza could tell that the shaking girl was building up her courage. “Okay,” she said.

She looked at the nurse who was patiently waiting behind the snack bar. “One b-b-bag of popcorn, p-please.”

“Coming right up,” he said with a smile. He scooped kernels from the box, filling the bag to the brim.

“Th-thank you,” she said as she took it from him.

Ms. Shippen guided her down the line. “Okay, salt, butter, or are you like Theodosia and like caramel on your popcorn?”

Emily let out a sad, nervous laugh. “N-no caramel,” she said. She looked back and forth between the salt and butter. 

“I know these are both fear foods of yours, Emily,” Ms. Shippen said softly. “But you can do this. Just a pinch of salt, or a dollop of butter is an amazing step.” 

“R-right,” Emily whispered. She stared for a moment longer before selecting the salt. She gave the bottle three small shakes over her bag before looking back up at Ms. Shippen.

“Great!” Ms.Shippen beamed. “Excellent,” she praised the girl.

“O-okay,” Emily said. A distant look came over the face, but Ms. Shippen seemed to know how to handle it.

“Let’s sit over there,” Ms. Shippen pointed to a bench in the back of the room. “And do some grounding exercises.” 

Eliza watched them go to the back, but whatever Ms. Shippen was saying to Emily was lost in the general chatter of the night. 

Nancy was still dancing around the room. Theo was beatboxing and Nancy moved the the beat. Paul started to clap, and soon Nancy had pulled him in, and they were both dancing. When they finished, the room erupted into cheers and laughter.

“Not bad for a white boy,” Nancy said with a wink.

Paul’s normally red face blushed even redder. “My people dance, too,” he said. “Being Jewish gives me wicked dance moves,” he said with a shy smile.

“Shabat salamon!” Nancy exclaimed, high fiving him. 

Paul laughed.

“I’m not sure what that means, to be honest,” Nancy said with a giggle. “Tell me it’s swear words or something?”

“Nah, you just wished me peace on the Sabbath,” he said with a small laugh. 

“And it’s not the Sabbath, is it?” Nancy said.

“Nah,” Paul said.

They both burst out laughing, and Eliza noticed how Paul’s face turned even redder when Nancy placed a hand on his arm to steady herself. 

“Okay, everyone! Seats, please!” Ms. Shippen clapped her hands and everyone quieted down, filling out the seats in the room.

Emily still hadn’t rejoined her friends, but was instead sitting at the bench looking a bit better, though still scared. 

Ms. Shippen hit  _ play  _ on the movie, and returned to Emily. 

Whatever Eliza had expected being at a treatment center to be like, it wasn’t like this. She settled into her seat next to Theo, her arm brushing against the other girl’s. She flinched, a blush spreading across her face. 

Theo noticed her flinch, but the dark obscured Eliza’s blush, thankfully. 

“Come ‘ere,” Theo said, gently pulling Eliza into her side. She looped an arm around her.

Eliza couldn’t focus the slightest bit on the movie. All she could focus on was the feel of Theodosia’s skin against her own, the warmth, the comfort. And that was better than any movie could ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we see Emily Geiger being brave in today's chapter, learn about the real girl here! She was pretty badass! http://www.womenhistoryblog.com/2010/10/emily-geiger.html 
> 
> Your comments and kudos on this fic make my day. This fic means a lot to me personally. I hope you're connecting with Eliza's journey here so far, bbys <333
> 
> I'll see you next Sunday with another chapter! Thank you for the love and support! <333
> 
> Tumblr: undiscoveredstory  
> Twitter: Utterly_Jessie


	5. Day Four

**_Thursday  
  
_ **

__ Day Four, 8:00 AM  
  


That morning’s breakfast was oatmeal and fruit salad. Eliza watched as Prudence and Nancy sighed and pushed their food around as they usually did before eating. (Eliza had learned that if they didn’t finish it in a half hour, they had to drink the supplement.) The only difference at the table that morning was in Emily. Even though her hand shook as she guided each spoonful of oatmeal and each piece of fruit to her mouth, she ate. She ate slowly as opposed to her usual quick scarfing down of the food, and her eyes weren’t full of terror as she did it. Instead, they sparkled with something like hope.

Ms. Shippen seemed to notice, too, from the encouraging smiles she sent the girl’s way.

Aaron still sat, unmoving, in front of his breakfast.

Theo was more lackluster than usual that morning. She pushed her oatmeal around and ate around the blueberries in her fruit salad. 

“They’re a weird texture,” was all she said by way of explanation when she caught Eliza staring.

Molly filled the silence. “So I talked to my mom early this morning before she had to go to work, and she was able to return most of the toy soldiers. She had to keep the one set of them I opened, but good news is she got most of the money back.” 

Theo said nothing.

“O-oh, wow!” Eliza said, unsure of what to say. “Was she upset or anything?”

Molly guffawed. “She was furious at first, but she knows I didn’t do it on purpose. She said I gotta find a way to use the remaining soldiers for a school project or something.” 

“She sounds cool,” Eliza said with a smile.

“Yeah, I’m lucky that way.” Molly took a spoonful of oatmeal, then asked Eliza a question in the middle of chewing. “So are your parents cool?”

“The best,” Eliza said with a smile. 

“Are they coming for visiting hour on Sunday?” 

Eliza nearly dropped her spoon. “Oh, I, uh––”

“Stop being nosey,” Theo said with a sigh.

“It’s just a question!” Molly said.

“I didn’t know that was a visiting day. If they know, then I bet they’ll be here,” Eliza said. 

“They know,” Theo said flatly. “So I hope they do come.” 

“What’s up with you today?” Molly asked Theodosia. 

“I’m allowed to have bad days,” Theo said. “I’m in a fucking mental center for crying out loud!” Theo stood from the table and ran out the door.

“Should I go after her?” Eliza asked.

Molly shook her head. “Ms. Shippen’s got this.” 

Just as Molly said it, Ms. Shippen ran out the door after Theo. Another nurse stepped in.

“You don’t need to watch us so closely,” Prudence said.

“You know I do,” he said.

Prudence rolled her eyes. 

“We’re in for quite the day,” Molly said. “Group is gonna be  _ awesome _ .”

 

_ Day Four, 10:00 AM _

 

“Today’s topic,” Ms. Shippen said, “is bad days.” She eyed Theo and Prudence. “It’s something we all go through, and the more tools we have for handling them, the better.” 

“I feel attacked,” Prudence said.

“You have a bad day like every single day,” Nancy said.

“Shut it,” Prudence mumbled. 

Eliza was still trying to figure out that friendship when Ms. Shippen cleared her throat, bringing the group’s attention back to her.

“This isn’t about any one person,” she reassured them. “It’s something practical and important to address. So who wants to start?”

Theo normally volunteered, but today she was silent, her focus somewhere out the window on the opposite side of the room. 

Lizzie raised a hand. Eliza couldn’t remember her ever doing that before. 

“Yes, Lizzie,” Ms. Shippen said.

“We could talk to someone who cares about us,” she offered. 

“Perfect! Yes, talking about what we’re going through and feeling can help a lot. Let’s all brainstorm who we could talk to.” 

_ Angelica and Peggy.  _ Eliza thought automatically. Her heart shattered when she remembered that she couldn’t.  _ You can’t when you’re ignoring them.  _

They had both called  _ again _ between last night and the morning. From the look Betsey had given Eliza when she once again dismissed her sisters’ calls, she could tell she was wondering  _ why  _ she wouldn’t just call them back. Sometimes Eliza wondered the same thing, but then she recalled how she’d let them down. How she didn’t deserve to talk to them anymore.

“What else can we do when we feel bad?” Ms. Shippen asked. 

Deborah’s hand shot up. “We can turn to a hobby. For me it’s pottery making, or weaving.” 

“Excellent idea,” Ms. Shippen said. 

The conversation continued, with most of the kids in the circle contributing, but Theo remained silent. So did Aaron, but that wasn’t as shocking.

_ I need to figure out what’s going on with Theo,  _ Eliza decided. But how she’d do that? That was an entirely different question.

 

_ Day Four, 12:30 PM  _

 

“Let’s talk about family,” Dr. Wheatley said. They were in the middle of their session, and Eliza had been rather quiet the entire time. “I understand your sisters have called a few times?”

Eliza wanted to be surprised that she knew, but she wasn’t. “Yeah, they have.” 

“Have you talked to them?” 

“No,” Eliza said with a sigh.

“Why’s that? From what you’ve told me, it sounds as if you’re close to them.”

“I am,” Eliza said. “Or was.”

“Why the past tense?” 

“I… I let them down,” Eliza admitted. “By what I said in the notebook. By ending up here.” 

“Did they say that to you?” Dr. Wheatley looked up, brows furrowed in confusion. “Did they tell you that?” 

“Not exactly. I guess… I just… feel… like that’s how they must feel,” she said.

“So it’s an assumption?” Dr. Wheatley clarified. 

Eliza pondered it for a moment. “I guess… technically,” she said.

Dr. Wheatley nodded. “Is it founded in anything?”

“Like what?” Eliza asked.

“Like past events. Have they reacted poorly to difficult times in your life in the past?” 

Eliza had never exactly had difficult times, but even the slightest tragedies, like when she’d broken her leg and couldn’t run track for the season, had been met with nothing but support from her sisters. They’d even been supportive when she left boarding school. Even Peggy, who she left behind. 

“No, I guess not.” 

“Where do you think this thought is coming from?”

_ I feel worthless,  _ she thought.  _ I don’t deserve their care or support.  _

“Myself,” she whispered.

Dr. Wheatley looked at her for a moment. “Can you expand on that?”

“It comes from how I feel about myself.”

“And how do you feel about yourself?”

_ Awful, worthless, hopeless.  _

“I hate myself.” The words surprised Eliza as she said them, partially because she even said them, and partially because they felt so real, so true.

“That’s a strong word,” Dr. Wheatley said.

“I know.” Eliza looked down at her shoes. 

“We’re going to talk about this more tomorrow, okay? We’re doing something a little different then, too.”

“Okay,” Eliza said. She was too caught up in her own thoughts to really process what Dr. Wheatley had just told her. 

“Wear comfortable shoes and clothing, and bring that notebook.” 

Now she had Eliza’s attention. “Okay?” she said with a nervous laugh. 

Dr. Wheatley grinned at her. “You’ll see,” she said. “You’ll see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if like Eliza you tend to assume people think poorly of you even when no evidence suggests that *raises both hands to the sky*
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, bbys! This fic is officially updating on Sundays between 7 and 11 PM EST from here on out! So I will see you then, and on Thursdays for STCNTA. Comments and kudos make my day and rock my history loving socks!
> 
> If you miss me, come chill with me on tumblr: @undiscoveredstory


	6. Day Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one you caught something... I have two Peggy Shippens... (one briefly appears in STCNTA)... As much as I wish this was part of some big design I just..... forgot I already made a Peggy Shippen in STCNTA OOPS :'D
> 
> Also I've been thinking of this song a lot as I wrote this series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW7zVY7FbTQ

**_Friday  
  
_**

_Day Five, 7: 45 AM_

That morning, as Eliza laced on her old, broken-in sneakers, Theodosia ignored her alarm, which had been blaring for the past fifteen minutes. The incessant beeping finally got to Eliza. She turned it off and shook Theo’s shoulder.

“Theo, time for breakfast. You’re gonna be late.”

“Whatever,” the girl mumbled.

“It might be pancakes again!” Eliza said in the cheeriest tone she could muster.

“Don’t care,” Theo said. She buried her face in her pillow and pulled the covers up over her head.

Deborah appeared in the doorway. “Did you try pancakes?” she asked Eliza.

“Yeah,” Eliza said sadly.

Deborah bit her lip and nodded. “She’s not getting up, then.”

Eliza stared at Deborah for a moment. “Not… not getting up?”

Deborah nodded again. “Yeah. This happens on her bad days. Come on,” she gestured into the hallway.

Eliza grabbed the notebook from her bed and followed.

Deborah leaned down and whispered to Eliza. “She’s been here nearly as long as me, so I get her, you know? She has really bad days sometimes, and she usually doesn’t get up for breakfast, lunch, and sometimes not even dinner.”

“Oh my god,” Eliza whispered. She hadn’t even considered that as an option: not getting up. For a moment, she wondered what it might be like, to give in to the weights constantly dragging her down, to curl up in bed and let them consume her.

“This used to happen way more often, like, most days in a week. Now it’s just a day or two, so, progress.”

“Progress,” Eliza echoed.

They were nearly to the cafeteria when Eliza tugged on Deborah’s sleeve, stopping her. “How long have you been here, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Almost three months,” Deborah said. “Theo’s about the same, so is Lizzie. Everyone else has come here in the meantime.”

Eliza nodded. “How long is it, uh… typical… to stay here?”

Deborah laughed. “There’s no _typical_ , here, girl!”

Eliza laughed too. “I guess you’re right.”

Deborah looped an arm over her shoulder. “You and Molly join us today, okay? Go take a seat and I’ll tell the nurses about Theo. They’ll help.” She stopped Eliza for a moment and stared into her eyes. “Theo will be okay.”

“Okay,” Eliza said.

Deborah smiled and left Eliza to take a seat. As she sat down at Deborah’s usual table, she looked over at the one she, Theo, and Molly usually occupied. It looked so sad and lonely without them there. Especially without Theodosia there.

 _She’ll be okay,_ Eliza reminded herself. Just like Deborah said. Theodosia will be okay.

 

_Day Five, 11:00 AM_

 

“Eliza!” Dr. Wheatley said as she opened the door to her office. “Right on time. Let me just grab my things and we’ll head out.”

“Head out?”

Dr. Wheatley chuckled. “One moment!”

When the woman reemerged, she was carrying two walking sticks and had a small backpack on.

“Hand me your notebook,” she said. “I’ll put it in, so you don’t have to carry it the entire time.”

“Are we… going hiking?”

“You bet!” She said with a grin.

“Wow,” Eliza said. A smile slowly lit up her face. “Cool.”

“Let’s head out.”

As they walked into the back of the grounds, a place Eliza had never gone, Dr. Wheatley explained what they were doing.

“So a big part of your time here is going to be focused on environment. This includes family, school, your larger community, and also nature.” She stopped and gestured to the trees surrounding the small dirt trail they were on. “Nature can be very healing, and I’d like you to be able to experience that.”

“I love the outdoors,” Eliza said. “I’m the most outdoorsy one in my family.”

“Then this is perfect for you,” Dr. Wheatley said. “Do you agree that nature can have a healing ability?”

Eliza thought of how much calmer she felt when she was outside, surrounded by trees and rocks and water, than when she was anywhere even slightly developed or populated with people.

“Yeah, it definitely can.”

They were silent for a moment as they hiked up a particularly steep incline. Eliza looked up at the trees coming into bloom above them. _In about a month they’ll reach the height of their beauty,_ she thought. _I wonder if I’ll still be here, or if I’ll be looking at the trees at home._

“How has nature been healing to you?” Dr. Wheatley asked, huffing a little bit from the climb.

They’d reached a flat area of the trail. Eliza enjoyed the break it gave her calf muscles for a moment. Dr. Wheatley paused to re-tie her shoelace.

“I guess it lets me think. I don’t feel… judged or rushed when I’m out in nature.”

“Do you feel that way around people?”

Eliza laughed. “It’s hard not to.”

They reached the end of the trail. Eliza gasped as they approached the edge of the bluff. Below them stretched a breath-taking expanse of trees, a stream cutting through their midst. They were in various stages of blooming. Some had their bright green leaves unfurled, others were evergreens, and the some were even bare, only the tiniest of buds visible on their branches.

“It’s beautiful,” Eliza said.

“It is,” Dr. Wheatley agreed. She sat a bit back from the edge and patted the ground next to her.

Eliza took a seat. Dr. Wheatley handed her her notebook and a pen.

“Let’s free write for some time,” she suggested.

“What’s free writing?”

“It’s when you write whatever comes to mind,” Dr. Wheatley said. “And you don’t stop writing. It’s a way to get to whatever is really on your mind. The idea is if you force yourself to keep writing, it’ll come out eventually. Let’s try for five minutes.” She set a timer on her phone and hit the red button.

Eliza watched as Dr. Wheatley began to write in her own notebook. Eliza gripped her pen. Out in nature, overlooking such a beautiful view after the hike, Eliza felt freer than she had in… months? Years? Maybe she could reach whatever was really on her mind while sitting out here, warmed by the sun, dirt sticking to her leggings.

She put pen to paper, and let the words flow.

 

_Day Five, 9:25 PM_

 

Theodosia had not left her bed all day. Eliza was worried, but she knew the nurses and Dr. Wheatley must have a better idea of how to help Theo than she did. It was past bedtime, but Eliza was still sitting up in her bed, her eyes trained to the lump Theo’s curled-up body created under the covers.

Just then, Betsey shined her light in. Eliza had been moved to ever 20 minutes, which wasn’t much, but it was still something. Like Deborah had said earlier, it was progress.

“You okay, sweetpea?” Betsey whispered.

Eliza was silent for a moment, considering if she should ask Betsey if Theo was okay or not. Betsey sighed. She seemed to understand.

“She’ll be okay, sweetpea. She’s just been having a rough day.”

“Okay,” Eliza whispered.

Betsey walked toward her and motioned for her to settle into bed. “The best thing you can do is get some sleep. Sometimes a good night’s sleep is the best medicine in the world.”

Eliza smiled up at the older woman. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“Let me know if you need anything,” Betsey said.

“Thank you, Betsey.”

Betsey squeezed Eliza’s hand and left the room.

Eliza let the steady rise and fall of Theo’s breathing guide her to sleep. Maybe Betsey was right. Maybe a night’s sleep was what Theo needed.

 _I hope she’s right,_ Eliza thought. _I miss bouncy, happy Theo._

But then Eliza recalled how she’d seen Theo cover up her real emotions, that one day after therapy. How easily she’d slipped on a smile and masked whatever pain she was feeling.

 _Is bouncy, happy Theo the real Theo?_ She wondered. _And if not, will I ever get to meet her?_

She was surprised by how much she hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I forgot to highlight a rad woman last week! I'll do two next week because this week is devoted to my fav, my love, DEBORAH SAMPSON :') 
> 
> And guess what?! I wrote an article on her for the George Washington Digital Encyclopedia! You can read it and learn more about this amazing lady here: http://www.mountvernon.org/digital-encyclopedia/article/deborah-sampson/
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING!!!!!! <3333 Your comments and kudos rock my history loving socks! :') <333


	7. Day Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To hear the song Lizzie sings at the end of the chapter (and how I imagine her singing it) check out this video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zEqWw4IQWA

**_Saturday_ **

 

_ Day Six, 7:15 AM _

 

Eliza awoke to shuffling coming from the other side of the room. She flipped over to see Theo humming, going about her morning routine. 

“Hey,” Eliza said groggily. 

Theo startled, but then a smile lit up her face. “Howdy, partner!” she chirped. “Miss me?”

“Yes.” Eliza sat up. She pulled her knees under her chin. “Are you okay?”

“Just dandy,” Theodosia hummed. 

“Really?” Eliza didn’t exactly buy it.

Theo gave her a look. “As okay as I can be in a place like this. I have energy today, so I’m rolling with it.”

Eliza nodded. She understood that. She believed it. Mostly. 

“Did I miss pancakes yesterday?”

“Nah, it was cereal and fruit and stuff.”

“Mmm, stuff.” Theo rubbed her tummy.

“Shut up,” Eliza groaned and flopped backward on the bed.

Theo tsked at her. “Hey hey, time to get up and eat, sunshine! It’s Saturday!”

“And what makes Saturday so special?”

“That’s right! It’s your first one!” She said giddily.

Eliza just stared at her. 

“Group doesn’t meet today, for starters. We get to do a bunch of different ‘therapeutic,’” she rolled her eyes, “activities that are actually pretty sweet.”

Before Eliza could reply, Deborah and Molly knocked on the open door. “Yooo, let’s go!” Deborah said. “Sooner we get this show on the road, the sooner we get to have some fun.” She let out a whoop. 

Molly sank further into herself than usual. “Oh my god, Deborah,” she muttered. 

“You know that ain’t how it works,” Theo said as she folded up her quilt. “You’ve been here long enough. Now don’t mislead the newbie!”

“Newbie,” Molly said with a chuckle.

“Ugh,” Eliza laughed. “You guys are the worst.”

“But you love us!” Theo said. She threw her arms around Eliza and, for a moment, Eliza was speechless. A heat warmer than the sun’s rays spread over her, and she swore she was going to burn alive.

“Yeah,” Eliza said, mouth still not receiving commands from her brain. “I sure do.”

“Well then let’s go!” Deborah broke up the moment with the wave of her hand, and Eliza didn’t know whether to be upset or grateful. 

“I’ll meet you there once I’m dressed,” Eliza said. 

Theo winked and ran out of the room.

_ Get it together, Eliza,  _ she told herself.  _ Stop it with these… these feelings. Theo is your friend, and nothing more.  _

Another voice, one that’d been quiet for a long time, piped up.  _ But why not something more? Would that be so bad?  _

For once Eliza didn’t have a reply. Maybe hope wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe she could hold onto it for just a little bit, and let the seed grow.

  
  


_ Day Six, 9:30 AM  _

 

Eliza sat outside in an empty garden bed. “So you get to start your garden today!” a nurse Eliza hadn’t yet met, Nabby, said. She carried with her a bucket. It contained a small shovel, trowel, watering can, and some seed packets. “Think of it as your canvas. This is your space to create whatever you’d like.” 

She set the bucket in front of Eliza. Eliza began to sift through it, reading the various seed packets.

“It can be flowers, vegetables, whatever you like. The one suggestion is to check for what each flower needs to properly grow. You’ve got some shade and some sun, so you can have more variety than most,” Nabby said with a smile.

“Okay,” Eliza said. “Thank you.”

“Have fun, and I’ll be floating around if you have any questions.”

Everyone else was at their gardens, which had been planted already. Some of them were starting to gain height, but most were little blips of green still settled close to the ground. Theo was hard a work on hers, pulling up weeds and gently watering the sprouts. Deborah had a sapling in hers. She caught Eliza looking.

“A willow tree,” she explained. “My favorite. Not really a strong contender for optimal growth in this area, but, then again, neither am I, and I’m doing just fine.” She grinned at Eliza before she turned back to her tree.

Eliza looked over at Prudence, who seemed to have two garden beds. Theodosia crawled over to Eliza.

“Don’t stare,” she whispered. “She’s really sensitive about this.You think she’s bad in group? Just let her see you staring and you’ll get a new dose of Prudy.”

“Why does she have two?” Eliza whispered back.

“One belonged to another girl, the one that’s got actual flowers in it.” Theo nodded to the garden bed that sat further away. “She planted those last year. They’re perennials, so they keep coming back.”

“Oh, so she got out?” That would explain some of the empty beds, and others that some of the nurses tended to.

“Well, yeah, I guess. Right, when you leave, they take care of your garden bed for you. Kind of like… well, I guess the idea is that it’s nice to know you’re still thought of, even as you enter a new phase of recovery.” Theo fell silent. 

Eliza could tell her friend was keeping something from her. “What happened?” She whispered.

“Well, all these other beds, the kids did get out. As far as we know, they’re living happy lives. But Mary Lindley… she got out, but she––” Theo looked down at the dirt. “She died. She died from anorexia. Her heart gave out.” 

“Oh my god,” Eliza said. 

“She was Prudence’s friend. They met during Prudence’s first stay here, last year.”

“Poor Prudence,” Eliza said. 

“Yeah. I honestly can’t imagine losing a friend, and from the same illness you have.”

“Is that why she’s so…” 

“Bitchy?” Theo said with a snort. “Maybe, but I heard that’s just part of her personality.” 

Eliza nodded. 

“You pick out your seeds yet?” 

Eliza motioned to five packets she’d separated from the rest. “Yeah.”

“Ah, nice, you’re going with a classic flower garden, I see. Sunflowers and all.”

Eliza shrugged. “I just love how tall they get.”

“No offense, but I sure as hell hope I’m not here to see that, and that you aren’t either. Spending summer in here would suck.” 

“Yeah,” Eliza said, although she wasn’t so sure she agreed. “It would.”

“I gotta finish weeding, but you better get planting,” Theo said. 

Eliza watched Theo return to her work, and then looked at Prudence. She was still in Mary Lindley’s garden, trimming back some vines. She tried to picture another girl there, tending to her own garden, but she couldn’t.  All she could see as Prudence, her hands shaking as she lifted the watering can. And for once she wasn’t angry with the girl. She felt only sadness.

 

_ Day Six, 2:30  _

 

Everyone sat in a circle on the floor of the group therapy room. In the center of the circle were various instruments. Molly stared at the instruments as glumly as ever, while Paul practically vibrated with excitement. 

“He’s like a prodigy,” Theo leaned over to Eliza and whispered in her ear. 

“Of what?” 

“Pretty much every instrument.”

“Even the triangle?”

“Especially the triangle,” Theo said.

The girls giggled. 

“Alrighty,” Nabby, the nurse, said. “Let’s get this party started! Everyone grab their preferred instrument.”

There was a mad dash to the center. Paul emerged holding a recorder, Molly the xylophone, and Theo two small drums. She gave one to Eliza. 

“Best one. Let all those pent up emotions out,” she said with a wink.

Eliza noticed that Aaron wasn’t sitting with the rest of the group, but was instead seated at a piano off to the side of the room. She’d never noticed the piano before, but now it was all she could see. Aaron was slouched at the shiny keys, eyes glazed over.

Nabby divided the group into smaller sections based on their instruments. Paul, Aaron, and Theo were put together. Deborah, who had nothing, went with Molly and Emily, who held a piccolo. 

Nabby motioned for Eliza to join Lizzie, Prudence, and Nancy. Nancy had an acoustic guitar in her lap, and Prudence held a triangle. Lizzie was empty handed.

“Okay, so let’s go off into different rooms and work on our pieces. We’ll meet back here in half an hour to share.”

“Half an hour? Great.” Prudence muttered. 

Lizzie bit down on her lip. Nancy rolled her eyes and motioned for the other girls to follow her. 

“I’ve been thinking of what song we should do,” she said as they walked across the hall to an empty room. “How about ‘Hallelujah’? Only we’ll take out the sex parts,” she said with a laugh. 

“Whatever. Just tell me when to ding this thing.” 

“Think you can give us a good beat, Eliza?” Nancy asked, a small smile on her face. 

“Uh, sure. I know the song pretty well.”

“Okay, great! And Lizzie, you know the lyrics, right?”

Lizzie nodded and swallowed hard. Nancy placed a comforting hand on the girl’s arm.

“You got this, okay? You’ve got the best voice I’ve ever heard.”

Lizzie smiled and seemed to relax a little at Nancy’s reassurance.

Nancy nodded, and picked up the guitar. She plucked the opening chords, and Lizzie began to sing. 

“‘Well I heard their was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord…’” 

Eliza was shocked at the beauty and clarity of Lizzie’s voice. The girl barely spoke–– from what Eliza understood she had bad social anxiety–– but she seemed to find a new confidence while singing.

For the first run through of the song, Eliza and Prudence just watched Nancy and Lizzie. After they both clapped–– even Prudence was in awe of Lizzie–– they got down to work. Nancy directed them, and after a few tries they were ready to show the rest of the group. 

They made their way back to the main room as Nabby made the rounds to collect everyone. Soon everyone was gathered in chairs that Nabby must have set up toward the back of the room. Some crates were set-up at the front to create a makeshift stage by the piano. 

“Alrighty, let’s get this show started!” Nabby said once everyone was seated. “First up we’ve got Aaron, Paul, and Theodosia with their rendition of ‘The Sound of Silence.’” 

Theo started with a soft drum beat, Paul joined in with the recorder, and finally Aaron started to play the part that was normally sung on the piano. Silence descended upon the room as they played. Eliza watched in awe as Aaron’s hands flew over the keys. He didn’t even look down most of the time. His fingers just seemed to know where they needed to be. When the group finished, the room erupted into applause and some hollers (mostly from Deborah).

After them, Deborah, Molly, and Emily took the stage.

“We’re doing ‘One More Night’ by Maroon Five.” 

Someone in the audience snickered. Deborah rolled her eyes. 

“Hey, don’t make fun. It was Emily’s choice this week and Maroon 5 isn’t that bad, anyway.”

Deborah took a deep breath and started to beatbox. Emily joined in on the piccolo, and Molly on the xylophone. Soon they had a lively version of the song going. Paul, Theo, and Nancy were swaying happily in their seats. Eliza spared a glance at Lizzie and saw the girl wringing her hands.

Eliza reached over and took one of Lizzie’s hands in her own before she could think herself out of it. From the grateful expression on Lizzie’s face, Eliza was glad she did.

After applause and hoots and hollers (again, mostly Deborah even though it was her own group), it was time for Eliza’s group to take the stage.

Prudence flicked her hair as she walked up. Nancy did a turn and finger guns, and Lizzie held onto Eliza’s hand. Once they were up there she let go so Eliza could play the drum.

“Y’all will know this one,” Nancy said. “One, two, three, go.” She began to strum the guitar, and nodded to Lizzie when it was her turn to come in.

Lizzie began to sing, her voice soft and angelic, but also strong. On the second verse Eliza came in with a drum beat, and Prudence began to hit the triangle on certain notes. It all came together surprisingly well. 

When they finished, Theo, Deborah, and even Molly were out of their seats clapping and shouting. Everyone surrounded Lizzie, eager to compliment her on her voice. Theo clasped Eliza on the back and winked at her. 

“You got skills, Schuyler,” she said. 

Eliza blushed and giggled. She was brought out of her own thoughts when she noticed Lizzie’s face starting to drop, her lip beginning to quiver. Eliza took in the situation and realized the girl was surrounded. 

_ And she has social anxiety. This isn’t good.  _

Without thinking, Eliza pushed her way through the small crowd and grabbed Lizzie. “Our star needs some rest!” she said playfully. “Sho, paparazzi!” 

The other kids laughed, and thankfully dispersed. Eliza walked with Lizzie back to the room she shared with Nancy.

“Thanks,” she said softly. 

“Anytime,” Eliza said. And she meant it. She knew how it felt to be trapped, and she’d hate for anyone, especially someone as small and sweet as Lizzie, to feel that way.

Lizzie hesitated for a moment, but then her arms were around Eliza, hugging her quickly, but tightly. When she let go, she looked down and bit her lip before quickly turning into her room and shutting the door.

Eliza smiled to herself.  
  
_ Progress,  _ she thought.  _ Progress. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today we're highlighting two awesome women! 
> 
> One is Mary Lindley, since she's introduced in this chapter. You can learn about her here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Lindley_Murray
> 
> And we're also highlighting Lizzie because she's such a sweet, brave girl who I love with all my heart :') <3 Her real name is Elizabeth Zane and you can learn about her here: http://score.rims.k12.ca.us/score_lessons/women_american_revolution/zane.html
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! <333


	8. Day Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave myself emotions writing this... Enjoy the suffering! ;)

**_Sunday_ **

 

_ Day Seven, 6:35 AM _

 

Family visitation day. The thought of it had kept Eliza awake for the better part of the night.

Would her parents come? Would they bring her younger siblings? Would Angelica be there? Peggy? She knew the last two were unlikely, as both of her sisters were still off at school, and she was still ignoring their phone calls. 

Eliza listened to Theo’s breathing and wondered how the other girl would be when she woke up. Would she be having a good day? A bad one? A bad one disguised as a good one? Eliza understood the urge to hide. That was what she’d been doing up until her notebook had been discovered. She understood being tired–– or maybe tired wasn’t the right word for it. Exhausted? Maybe there wasn’t a right word for that feeling yet.

_ It’s like being drained, and then being drained even more. It’s something beyond being lifeless because you  _ aren’t  _ lifeless. It’s torture, but you’re too weighted down, too tired to care.  _

Eliza sank into her bed a bit more. Was that how Theo felt every day? Even after three months here? Was there actually any hope that any of them would get better, or would they all end up like Mary Lindley? 

The next thing Eliza was aware of was Theo singing softly. She blinked her eyes open to see Theo sitting on the edge of her bed, running a hand through Eliza’s silky black hair.

“Hi?” Eliza said.

“You were crying,” Theo said softly. 

“Oh. I was asleep.” 

“I know, but you were crying.” 

Theodosia leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah,” Eliza stammered. 

_ What was I dreaming about? And oh my god, did she just kiss my cheek?  _

Theo gave her a look.

“As okay as we can be in here,” Eliza amended. 

Theo giggled and ran her hand through Eliza’s hair one last time. “I’m gonna go down early, but meet you in the dining room?”

Eliza nodded, and Theo left her.

_ Why was I crying?  _ She thought again.  _ And how long was Theo sitting there, stroking my hair?  _

Both questions haunted her, but not in an entirely bad way.  
  
  


_ Day Seven, 3:05 PM _

 

Eliza sat in the common room. Only she and Deborah remained there. Everyone else was either on a visit with their family or at a therapy session, which was the case for Aaron, Prudence, Emily, and Nancy.

“It’s a special one for the kids with EDs,” Theo had explained. “Some food and mindfulness exercises.” 

Deborah and Eliza were playing checkers to pass the time. 

“My mom hasn’t visited me once. Not that she doesn’t want to, but she can’t. She works seven days a week, and taking a day off means less food or being short on rent money.”

Eliza nodded, although she’d never had to think of anything like that. Her parents were wealthy. Extremely wealthy. 

“She calls all the time, though, like twice a day sometimes. I’m like ‘Mom, stop smothering me,’” she said with a huff as she moved her piece. “But it’s cool. I miss her.”

Eliza bit her lip. She hadn’t talked to her parents since she came here. They’d agreed that they would let her be the one to start that, and that they would get updates from doctors or nurses, and that they would visit.

_ But if they’re going to visit, why aren’t there here yet?  _

She looked at the clock for what felt like the hundredth time since 2:00. Visiting hours went until 5:00, so they had plenty of time to get there, but Eliza still worried. 

_ Was it because I never called? How could I, when I knew the moment I heard one of their voices I’d break down crying? _

Just then, Nabby appeared in the doorway. She smiled at Eliza. “You’ve got some visitors, Eliza,” she said. 

Eliza sprang up, then turned to Deborah. “Sorry,” she said.

Deborah shrugged. “Like I said, fine by me.” She pulled out a well-worn book and waved Eliza away with a smile.

Eliza followed Nabby down the hall to a room she had yet to go in–– the Family Visitation Room. There were wooden tables with an assortment of chairs around them. Some were arm chairs, others were typical chairs you’d find at a table, and there was even a kiddy corner with bean bags, toys, and coloring books.

She spotted her parents at one of the tables, her mother cradling Cortlandt, her father with both Cornelia and Rensselaer on his lap. The two children sprang up when they saw their sister enter the room. 

“Liza!” Ren shouted.

He launched himself at her, and she gladly buried her face in his tiny shoulder, breathing in his sweet, comforting scent. Soon Cornelia was clambering to hug her sister, so Eliza hoisted her up. She swore her little sister had grown in the time since she’d last seen her. She felt lankier. She was losing her baby-fat.  

“I’ve missed you both so much,” she said as she set Corny down.

Her father came over and pulled her in for a hug, then took baby Cortlandt so her mother could do the same. 

“Sweetie,” her mother said. “Oh my god.” When she pulled back there were tears in her eyes, but they didn’t fall.

_ How many tears have you caused her to shed? How much pain have you given her when she’s already in enough as it is?  _

Eliza shoved the thoughts from her mind as best she could. She wanted to focus on her parents, her family. 

Philip directed Ren and Corny to the kiddy corner, then looped an arm over Eliza’s shoulder. “Come sit a spell,” he said, pulling his daughter into his side as they walked.

They sat at the table, Eliza between her parents. Her mother’s hands were on hers, as if she couldn’t touch her enough, as if she were unsure Eliza was real. It reminded Eliza of how tightly her mother had gripped her when they returned from the school counselor, as if she were afraid she’d disappear. 

“Are they treating you well?” Philip asked.

“Very,” Eliza said. “Everyone here is so nice.” 

“Do you get enough to eat?” Catherine asked.

“Plenty,” Eliza said. She gave her mom’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “How are things at home?”

“Good,” Philip said too quickly.

“You can tell me the truth,” Eliza said. 

Philip sighed. “I know, sweetie. Nothing much has changed. We’re still… getting through this. All of this.”

_ The grief of losing baby Catherine. The grief of having a fucked up daughter.  _

“I’m sorry I’m not there,” Eliza whispered. 

“No, no, Eliza, sweetheart,” her father said. He gently cupped her chin, bringing her eyes to his. “This is where you need to be. You have nothing to apologize for.” 

Eliza nodded, but she still felt guilty. 

_ All your fault. This is all your fault.  _

“How are Angelica and Peggy?”

“Angie is studying for finals, even though she has a few weeks,” Catherine said. She shifted Cortlandt in her lap. The baby was sleeping peacefully, unaware of where he was or why his sister was there. 

_ The only one who doesn’t think I’m a total freak,  _ Eliza thought. 

“And Peggy is working hard. She’s in the school play,” Catherine continued. “It’s one of the Shakespeare ones.  _ Hamlet _ , maybe?”

“She’s a great actress,” Eliza said. “Are you going? Will you film it for me?”

“Of course,” Catherine promised. “Of course we will.”

Eliza glanced over at Theo, who was animatedly talking with her mom and stepdad. She wondered how strange and forced her own interaction with her parents must appear.

“Are you making any friends?” Catherine asked. 

_ Finally, something to talk about!  _

“Yeah, my roommate, Theodosia. She’s great. That’s her over there.” She pointed out Theo. 

“She looks like a lovely girl,” Philip said.

“And then there’s Deborah, and Molly,” Eliza said. “And this boy, Aaron, who doesn’t speak.” 

And suddenly the floodgates open, and words started pouring out like they used to. Her parents relaxed, and so did Eliza.

_ All it takes a little time is all.  _

 

_ Day Seven, 8:45 PM _

 

Theo, Eliza, Deborah, and Molly were curled up in chairs in the Common Room when Aaron Burr walked in. Where he’d been all day, nobody knew. But he came right over to Theo and Eliza, and handed Eliza a note with a nod before turning away and disappearing again.

Eliza and Theo swatted Deborah and Molly away, eventually deciding to go back to their room to keep the note safe from prying eyes. Once they were there, Eliza unfurled it.

 

_ Dear Eliza and Theo, _

_ It’s really nice to get to know you both better. It sounds like you come from amazing families.  _

_ Both of my parents went to The Lord rather early on in my life, and since then I have lived with my maternal grandparents. My grandfather is a preacher, and wants for me to follow in his footsteps. I have one sister, Sarah, who is two years older than me. We were born in New Jersey, but we live in MA with our grandparents now. We have one dog, Fred. And my favorite color is navy blue. It matches a lot of things. _

_ Tell me more about yourselves when you get the chance. _

_ Your friend, _

_ Aaron _

 

“Damn,” Theodosia muttered. “This kid has been through some shit.”

“That’s awful,” Eliza whispered. “Poor Aaron.” 

“He’s so formal,” Theo said, rereading the letter. 

Eliza shrugged. “Some people are like that, I guess.”

Theo grabbed a notepad and marker. “Well, shall we?” This time, she handed it to Eliza, who started their letter.

 

_ Dear Aaron, _

_ We know it was a long time ago, but we’re sorry to hear about your parents. We understand that pain, and hope you know you’re not alone. Theodosia lost her father before she was born, and I just lost my newborn sister. Death takes and takes, and we must live anyway, even when it seems unimaginable. You must be very strong. _

Eliza handed the note to Theo.

_ You mentioned that your grandfather wants you to be a preacher. Is that what you want? I’d hate to be told what to do (this is Theo now). I want to be a counselor at a school when I’m older. I wanna be better than the ones I’ve had there. And Eliza tells me she doesn’t know what she wants to be yet. _

_ Hope to hear from you soon! _

_ Your friends, _

_ Eliza and Theo <3  _

 

This time Eliza brought the note to Aaron’s room, which was empty, and placed it squarely on his pillow. 

When she returned to her room Theo nearly pounced on her. “Do you really not know what you wanna be?”

Eliza shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, sometimes I don’t even want to be alive. The future is kind of… Out of reach.” 

Theo nodded. “I get that.” She sighed. “Depression sucks.” She took Eliza’s hand in her own. “But at least we have each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feeling Eliza describes at the end is exactly how I felt at her age (17). I'm telling you this so you know you make it through. I promise you make it through. 
> 
> <333333


	9. Day Eight

**_Monday_ **

 

_ Day Eight, 9:30 AM _

 

Instead of going to the usual group room after breakfast, Ms. Shippen led everyone outside. It was one of the first truly warm days of spring. Eliza took off her hoodie and let the sun hit her too-pale skin as they walked down a stone pathway from the building toward a pavilion.

Theo buzzed with life beside Eliza. “I looooove when we do group outside! At least the birds and squirrels aren’t judging me.” 

“This is a no judgement zone,” Eliza said in a mock-serious tone.

Theo laughed. “Sure, tell that to Prudy up there.” 

Eliza looked at Prudence, who was wearing a hoodie and fleece coat, her arms wrapped around herself.

“Damn,” Theo muttered as she looked at Prudence. “She may be a b-word, but she doesn’t deserve that.”

“Nobody does,” Eliza agreed.

Once they got to the pavilion, they took a seat on the benches built into the walls. Ms. Shippen stood in the doorway, her hands clasped together as she looked over the group.

“Okay, so, today group is going to be a bit different! We’re doing an activity.” 

“Ugh,” Prudence moaned. 

Ms. Shippen ignored her. “You’re all going to get some chalk and choose a stone from the pathway. On one half of it, write or draw something that your illness has taken from you. On the other half, write or draw something you hope to achieve in recovery.” 

She passed around the chalk bucket. Eliza chose a sky blue piece, and Theo a white. Eliza watched Aaron deliberate for a moment before selecting green.

_ I wonder what he’s thinking. I wish I could actually talk to him.  _

The group headed back outside. Eliza selected a greyish stone, sitting cross-legged in the grass beside it. Theo was up a ways, her focused directed at whatever she was writing on a red-tinted stone.

_ What has my illness taken away from me?  _

The list seemed too long to narrow down to one thing. 

_ It’s taken away my schooling, my sisters, my friends, my family. My happiness, my excitement, my drive, my enthusiasm. It’s taken… everything. What’s even left of me? What can I write or draw that represents everything?  _

Eliza stared at the stone for a moment longer. Then it hit her. She lifted the piece of chalk and slowly dragged it across the stone. Instead of writing two separate things, she filled it with one word. It was both what she lost and what she hoped to gain.

**_ME  
  
_ **

Someone stood over her. Eliza looked up to find Ms. Shippen studying what the girl had written.

“Will you share with the group today?” Ms. Shippen asked, her eyes still trained on the stone. “It’s okay if you won’t, but what you have to say matters, and I would love to hear about this.” She gestured to the stone.

“Okay,” Eliza said. “I’ll share.”

“Thank you,” Ms. Shippen said before heading down the path.

Eliza stared at her stone a bit longer, pleased with how it’d turned out. 

Ms. Shippen summoned the group back to the pavilion. “I’d like for us to share what we wrote and why,” she said once everyone was seated. 

Emily raised her hand right away. “F-for what I l-lo-lost, I wrote ‘control.’”

“Very good,” Ms. Shippen said. “Can you explain why?”

“Th-that’s what bulimia took from m-me. My con-control over what I eat, and h-how much I eat.”

“And what did you write for what you’d like to find in recovery?”

“Balance,” Emily said. “Balance b-because then e-everything won’t b-be t-topsy turvy.”

Paul raised his hand. “I think that’s perfect,” he said with a smile. “We could all do well to find some balance.” 

Emily blushed and smiled at him, her eyes averted to her shoes. 

“What did you write, Paul?” Ms. Shippen asked.

“For what I’ve lost I drew my family, because treatment has taken me away from them.”

Everyone nodded at that.

“I drew a lantern for what I want to find. I want to find the light side of life. I think there’s more consistent happiness there.” 

Nancy’s hand shot up. “Mine isn’t as deep as y’all, because I drew a burger and fries for what I lost.” 

Everyone burst out into a round of laughter.

“That’s valid,” Ms. Shippen encouraged. “Care to explain?”

“My ED said those are off limits,” Nancy explained. “I haven’t had them in two years.”

Various  _ damns  _ and  _ wows  _ filled the space at that.

“But for what I wanna gain, I wrote strength. I want it in every sense of the word. I wanna be physically strong, like, my nails are brittle as hell right now, and I always feel so tired. I wanna feel alive, energetic. And I wanna feel strong mentally. Stronger than this damn voice.”

Theo snapped her fingers, and soon a chorus of snaps rose up to greet Nancy’s words. 

“Preach it!” Deborah shouted. 

“What did you write, Deborah?” Ms. Shippen asked.

“I wrote ‘my friends.’” She shrugged. “I was kind of… anti-social and angry before coming here. I didn’t mean to be. Borderline just… messed with my head.”

Ms. Shippen nodded sympathetically. 

“And I want to gain understanding. I want to understand what’s going on up here,” she tapped her head, “and have others in my life get it, too.” 

Ms. Shippen turned to Eliza. “What about you, Eliza?”

Eliza looked around the group. Over the past eight days, she’d heard everyone except Aaron bare themselves. It was finally her turn to do the same. She took a deep breath, then spoke.

“I just wrote ‘me,’ for both things. I realized depression has taken away my sense of self because it’s taken away everything that made me happy, and makes everything look dark and gloomy. I want to be myself again.” The words rushed from her, tumbling out before she could stop them. “I want to feel like myself again.”

“I feel that!” Theo exclaimed. 

“Thank you for sharing,” Ms. Shippen said, a small smile on her face.

As they moved onto the next person, Eliza breathed a sigh of relief. 

_ I did it,  _ she thought.  _ I finally shared in group.  _

 

_ Day Eight, 7:35 PM _

 

Eliza sat at the table in the Common Room and watched as Theo and Deborah played MASH. 

“Okay,” Deborah said, clearing her throat. “You, Theodosia, will marry Edgar Allan Poe––”

“Gross!” Theo exclaimed. She swatted Molly’s arm. “Why’d you have to add him?”

Molly laughed. “For exactly this reason.”

“Ahem!” Deborah said. Theo and Molly turned their attention back to her. “As I was saying, you’ll marry Poe, you’ll live in a beach house––”

Theo whooped at that.

“––and have seven children––”

“Hell no!” Theo said as Molly laughed.

“And be a baker.” 

“Well that’s just a lie. I can’t bake to save my life!”

“Looks like you, Mr. Poe, and those seven kiddos aren’t gonna do too well,” Molly laughed.

Just then, Nabby walked over to the girls. “Eliza, your sister is on the phone for you.”

Eliza’s eyes widened. “O-oh,” she stammered. 

“It’s Peggy,” Nabby said.

Eliza pictured Peggy sitting in her dorm room, lying on her stomach atop her bed, legs swinging behind her, books strewn all around her, waiting for Eliza to finally pick up.

“If it’s okay, I’ll call her later,” Eliza said softly.

She did her best not to picture her sister’s face when she, once again, did not answer the phone.

“Of course it’s okay,” Nabby reassured her. “I’ll let her know.”

Everyone at the table was silent for a moment before Deborah piped up. “So what’s the dealio with you and your family? You’ve been ignoring your sisters this entire time, right?”

“Deborah,” Theo hissed. 

“What? It’s an obvious questions that begs an answer!” 

“It’s fine,” Eliza said to Theo. “I just don’t want to talk to them right now,” she told Deborah.

“Bullshit,” Molly said. “It’s always deeper than that.”

“Or not,” Theo said.

“Eh, probably is,” Deborah said. “But maybe Eliza doesn’t know that yet.”

“What do you mean?” Eliza asked.  _ How could I not know it?  _

“I mean maybe you think you just don’t wanna talk to them, but deep down there’s a firmer reason. Maybe you just haven’t uncovered it yet.” 

Eliza thought over Deborah’s words for a moment.  _ Could that be? Is there a deeper reason, or am I just ashamed and embarrassed? _

As her friends went back to their game, Eliza pondered the question further. But for all her pondering, she was still left with no answer. Instead, the hole in her heart that her sisters normally filled felt even more pronounced. She sighed. How badly she longed for it to be filled again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you struggle from mental illness and were writing something on a rock like they do here, what would you write? Mine would say "stability" for what I've lost and "contentment" for what I hope to gain.
> 
> Also Nancy is everything so please learn about her here! https://www.britannica.com/biography/Nancy-Hart-American-Revolution-heroine 
> 
> <333333


	10. Day Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved your answers to the question I asked last week! Thank you for those! We all can get through this, bbys. I promise we can <333

**_Tuesday_ **

**_Day Nine_ **

 

_Day Nine, 7:50 AM_

 

As Theo and Eliza were preparing for the day, a soft _thud_ sounded from near their door, which was slightly ajar. It was another crumpled up note.

“Why does he always crumple them?” Theo grumbled. She was in another sour mood, but she was out of bed, which Eliza counted as a victory.

Eliza retrieved the note, softly reading it aloud to Theo, who was putting on lipstick.

 

_Dear Eliza and Theo,_

_I am truly sorry for the losses you both have endured. I suppose there is a comfort in knowing we each understand the other’s feelings. Yet I must say, it is quite an unfortunate understanding to have._

_What I want is of no concern. And talking about that would fall under the “personal” category, so that’s all I’ll say on that. Theo–– you’ll make an excellent counselor. Eliza–– I am certain the path your life will take is soon to unfold._

_Your friend,_

_Aaron_

 

“This kid is so formal,” Theo muttered. She grabbed paper and pen and began to write, shoving the finished draft under Eliza’s nose.

 

_Dear Aaron,_

_What the hell else can we even talk about, then? We’re basically in a fucking hospital, if you haven’t noticed. I get not wanting to be truthful with strangers, but I thought we were becoming friends. And if you can’t open up to your friends, who can you talk to?_

_Theo_

 

“I’m tired of this bullshit,” Theo said as she folded the letter. “We’re all here for similar reasons. What’s the point in hiding anymore?”

Eliza wanted to call Theo a hypocrite, tell her that she noticed how Theo hid behind smiles and laughter, but Theodosia left the room before Eliza could so much as open her mouth. Eliza wanted to write her own letter to Aaron, something sweeter to counter Theo’s, but just as she began to search for paper, Deborah and Molly appeared in the doorway.

“Breakfast time!” Deborah declared.

Eliza wordlessly followed them to the dining hall.

Theo joined them a few minutes later, but Aaron was nowhere in sight.

“What did you do?” Eliza leaned toward Theo and whispered so the other girls wouldn’t hear.

Before Theo could respond, Aaron walked in. He didn’t even glance at Theo or Eliza. He took his seat and looked more stoic than usual, if that was possible.

“I gave it to him… Along with a few choice words.” She shrugged, avoiding Eliza’s eyes.

“Theo, why?” Eliza hissed.

“Don’t be mad at me,” Theo said. She glared at Eliza. “He’s the one with an issue.”

“We _all_ have issues here, if you haven’t noticed,” Molly said.

“At least we talk about them,” Theo quipped.

Before the fight could escalate further, Ms. Shippen bustled into the room to start the daily routine.

“And it’s not even pancakes. Why the fuck am I awake?” Theo grumbled.

The rest of breakfast passed in awkward silence. Molly occasionally tried to start conversations, but they all fell flat the moment Theo joined in, usually with something snarky to say.

 _Why is she acting like this?_ Eliza wondered. She hoped that the answer would be revealed soon, both for Theo’s sake and her own.

 

_Day Nine, 12:00 PM_

 

Eliza anxiously swung her feet as she waited for Dr. Wheatley to open the door. There was so much on her mind: Theo’s sour mood, Aaron’s evasiveness, Prudence’s… well, Prudence in general. And that didn’t even include Eliza’s own issues, which were also begging for attention. It felt refreshing to throw her attention elsewhere, onto other people, but she had a feeling that wasn’t what she was supposed to be doing while she was here.

 _I can’t help it,_ she thought. _I want to help them. I want to help them almost more than I want to help myself._

Before she could question that thought further, Dr. Wheatley opened the door and waved Eliza inside.

“How are you doing?” Dr. Wheatley asked once they were both seated.

“Good,” Eliza lied.

“Yeah?” Dr. Wheatley asked.

“Uh, mostly.”

“Can you tell me about it?” Her voice was soft, kind, but Eliza also knew she saw through her bullshit.

_You can’t hide in here._

“Well…” She couldn’t even think of a lie. “Maybe not so good,” she finally admitted.

“Are you still having suicidal thoughts?”

“I’m more… distracted in here.”

“Really? How so?” Dr. Wheatley set her pen down on her pad.

“I guess it’s like… I worry about my friends.”

“Your friends in here?”

“Yeah.” Suddenly she felt guilty for not worrying about her friends at home. _You’re a horrible friend,_ the voice told her.

“What do you worry about?” Dr. Wheatley snapped her back to the present moment.

Eliza shrugged, even though she knew exactly what she worried about. “I guess I worry about them when they have bad days. Like, when they stay in bed all day, or don’t speak.”

Dr. Wheatley nodded. “I can certainly understand being worried about those behaviors.” She studied Eliza for a moment. “Can I suggest something?”

“Sure,” Eliza said.

“As kind of you as it is to worry about them–– and I want to stress that, Eliza. You are a very caring, compassionate girl. I challenge you to extend that same caring and compassion to yourself. Notice your own behaviors. Not as yourself, but as a concerned friend. Write them down, both what they are, and why they worry you as a friend. Do this for a few days, and we’ll talk about it on Friday, maybe on another hike.”

“Okay,” Eliza said softly.

_Worry about myself? I don’t even want to be alive. How am I supposed to worry about someone I don’t care about?_

Eliza didn’t know what concerned her more: that she didn’t care about herself, or that she wasn’t worried about not caring about herself.

_Will I ever care about myself again? Do I want to?_

 

_Day Nine, 6:00 PM_

 

Theodosia was silent throughout dinner. She pushed around her pasta, but barely ate any of it. Molly chattered as she ate, but even she seemed more sullen than usual. Eliza nodded along and threw a few words out here and there to let Molly know she was listening, but her attention was split a million ways at once

When she wasn’t watching Theo, she was sneaking glances at Aaron. Tonight he was cutting up his pasta over and over and over, his eyes on the plate the entire time. She didn’t see him lift the fork to his mouth even once.

Emily looked like she was eating something disgusting, her face pinched with each bite. Prudence ate one noodle at a time. Nancy shook salt out of the holder into her hand, licking it when she thought nobody was looking.

“What are you doing?” Prudence said.

“Try it,” Nancy said.

Prudence gave her _a look_. “Uh, no thanks.”

Nancy shook more salt onto her hand. “Your loss,” she said with a grin.

Prudence watched Nancy lick the palm of her hand. She snatched the shaker from Nancy. “It can’t be that great,” she muttered. She sprinkled some salt onto her palm and quickly licked it, as if she didn’t want to second guess herself.

“Fuck,” she mumbled. She poured out more. “Goddamnit.”

“Told you!” Nancy took the shaker back and winked.

“Eliza? Earth to Eliza?” Molly tapped Eliza on the shoulder. “What’re you looking at?”

She followed Eliza’s gaze to Nancy and Prudence. “Oh,” she sighed. “Yeah, they do that sometimes. I mean usually it’s just Nancy, but I guess blondie finally gave it a try.”

“Any thoughts on what you’ll do with your soldiers yet?” Eliza wanted to change the subject. The way Molly and sometimes even Theo talked about Prudence made her uncomfortable.

“Eh, not really. I’m not too concerned about them right now. They aren’t going anywhere, sadly.”

Eliza nodded. She looked at Theo, wishing she would jump into the conversation, but she was still pushing around her noodles.

“Yo, Theo, didn’t your mom tell you not to play with your food?” Molly quipped.

“Shut the fuck up,” Theo mumbled.

“Are you okay?” Eliza asked. She wanted to glare at Molly, but she refrained. Molly was hurting, too. Otherwise she wouldn’t be there. Eliza figured there was a reason for her… attitude.

“They upped my medication and I have no appetite and my stomach feels like someone stuffed it full of cotton and I’m so tired I want to fall asleep right here. So no, I am not okay, and I hate how these goddamn pills make me feel.”

“Preach!” Deborah called from the other table.

Dinner ended a few minutes later. Theo stormed off to their room instead of following the rest of the group to the common room. Molly and Deborah started a game of chess. Aaron wrapped himself in a fuzzy blanket and settled into an armchair. Nancy, Emily, and Prudence did the same, but on the couch, all huddled together. Within five minutes of settling down, Nancy had fallen asleep.

Paul was at the nurse’s station, on the phone with someone, his laughter floating down the hall.

The only other person who was unsettled, like Eliza, was Lizzie. Her face was flushed a deep red as she paced a small corner of the Common Room. Eliza wandered over to her.

“Hey,” she said. She heard Lizzie mumbling numbers under her breath. A few seconds later, Nancy stopped and looked up at Eliza.

“Hi,” she said softly. “Sorry.”

“Huh?” Eliza stared at the girl.

“I was… it’s… Um, it’s a thing I do.”

Eliza offered her a warm smile. “I get it.”

Lizzie laughed nervously. “Okay, thanks. Sorry,” she said again.

“You, uh, have a really pretty singing voice,” Eliza said. “Do you sing, like, in a band or choir or something?”

Lizzie laughed again, but not in an easy, carefree way. It was the anxiety-laugh that Eliza was all too familiar with.   

“Uh, I, uh, had a YouTube channel. I mean I still have one, but, uh, can’t update it from here.” She laughed again.

Eliza sat, hoping Lizzie would follow her lead. “What kind of videos are on your channel?”

Lizzie stared at the seat, muttering numbers quickly under her breath, then sat down next to Eliza with a sigh. “Uh, me, singing. Sometimes I play the uh, piano, or usually my guitar or ukulele.”

“That’s really cool! What kind of songs do you have on there?”

“Uh, lots of popular covers, I guess? And some originals, too.”

“I wanna hear an original sometime!” Eliza exclaimed.

Lizzie smiled, her face blushing an even deeper red. “My YouTube channel is LizzieSings1765.”

“I’ll look you up after…” Eliza paused, not knowing what to say.

“They spring us?” Lizzie giggled. A real giggle, not an anxious one.

“Exactly,” Eliza laughed.

Betsey walked into the room, scanning it for a moment before her eyes settled on Eliza. She briskly walked toward her. “You got a call, sweetheart. Your sister, Angelica.”

Eliza felt like she was going to throw up.

Her hands grew clammy, and her head felt like it might explode. She was somewhat aware of her breath coming in shorter, uneven bursts, and that she wasn’t breathing out correctly at all, but she couldn’t focus to fix it.

_Angelica is on the phone. She hates you. She thinks you’re weak. God, you couldn’t even handle life after they yanked you from that boarding school they sunk money into. She’s disappointed in you. She doesn’t actually miss you. She––_

“Eliza? Eliza, I need you to breathe with me.”

Somehow, she’d ended up lying on the couch on her back. She vaguely registered Lizzie’s form some feet away, her hands wringing together. Betsey knelt next to her. She was running a hand through Eliza’s hair, pulling it from where it’d stuck with sweat to her forehead.

“I’m going to count to ten. Breathe in with me as I do,” Betsey gently commanded.

Eliza did as she was told. She held her breath for the correct amount of counts, then breathed out. They repeated this a few times until her breathing was coming more regularly.

“There she is,” Betsey said with a smile.

Eliza sat up and scanned the room. Everyone was silent, but when she looked up their eyes were averted.

 _They were all watching you lose it,_ the voice told her.

“I’ll tell her it’s a no for tonight.” Betsey gave Eliza’s hand a squeeze before heading down the hallway again.

Molly got up from the table and sat next to Eliza. She held out her hand, which Eliza gratefully took. “Happens to us all,” Molly said. “Something about confronting your feelings or some other bullshit,” she said with a small laugh. “But it sucks,” she said more seriously. “It sucks majorly.”

“It does,” Eliza said hoarsely.

Deborah came over and took Eliza’s other hand. “But you got us.” She gave her hand a squeeze. “Our battles may be different, but our war is the same.”

“ _Oh my goddamn,_ ” Molly exclaimed, leaping off the couch.

“I mean I know I’m profound, but that seems excessive,” Deborah chuckled.

“I know what I need to do with the soldiers now.” She grinned at Eliza and Deborah. “I need to call my mom.”

“It’s almost nine at night,” Deborah said.

“Whatever!” she shouted as she raced down the hall.

Deborah laughed again. “I’ve inspired another soul!”

Eliza laughed despite how exhausted she was. Deborah squeezed her hand again. “Let’s get you to bed.”

Eliza allowed herself to be led down the hallway, a warmth spreading throughout her body. It wasn’t the same rush of feelings she got when she was near Theodosia, but something else.

 _Comfort,_ she realized. _Safety. If I were friends with myself, I would offer comfort, just like Deborah is doing now._

It was small, but hopefully it was something. Hopefully it was a step in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theo's experience with medication might be the most autobiographical aspect of this entire thing and that's saying a lot since so much of this is drawn from my own Emotions and such.
> 
> Let's learn about Theodosia this week!! She was hella rad omg!!! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodosia_Bartow_Prevost 
> 
> Stay strong, kiddos. We're gonna get there, and the journey will be gentler if we hep each other along the way. <333


	11. Day Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me say this now: Catherine Schuyler, the infant who dies in this fic, survived in real life and was the last of the eight surviving/fifteen total children. She is my favorite and because I am cruel to myself she's the one who doesn't survive here (really I just wanted to write something where one of the other babies survived).

**_Wednesday, Day Ten_ **

 

_ Day Ten, 5:40 AM _

 

_ “Caty! Caty, come here!” Eliza chased a brown-haired girl through a field of wildflowers. Her small form kept disappearing in the brilliant blues, golds, and greens. “Caty, slow down!” She followed the girl’s giggles and squeals of delight whenever she disappeared from Eliza’s line of view. _

_ Then a giggle turned into a shriek. A shriek that faded faster and faster and faster until it was no more.  _

_ “CATHERINE!” Eliza screamed. She ran as fast as she could, but it felt like she was running through pudding. The faster she wanted to go, the slower she actually went.  _

_ And then she was upon the edge of the cliff, and her sister was still falling, falling and falling into a darkness thicker than the night, thicker than anything Eliza had ever seen. _

_ “Catherine,” she wailed.  _

“Eliza!” 

Eliza awoke to someone sobbing. Her chest was heaving, her breathing ragged. Theo stood over her, eyes wide. 

“Eliza?”

“Am I…” She touched a finger to her face and felt the dampness of tears.

“Crying? A bit,” Theo said. She sat on the bed next to Eliza. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Eliza said before she could think.

“Eliza,” Theo said softly.

That was all it took.

“My sister. She was grown, well, a few years old, maybe four, and we were playing, and then I could find her, and she was––” Eliza’s breath hitched. “She was gone. The darkness swallowed her.” She let her head drop into her hands. “I keep losing her,” she said around a sob. “Even in my dreams, I lose her. Even in my dreams, I’m not enough.” 

Theo wrapped her arms around Eliza and rocked her back and forth, shushing her. “You are more than enough,” she said. “You are worth the world ten times over. You are worth more than you know, but you will know. I’ll help you see it, and so will Dr. Wheatley, and so will your sister, because she’s always with you. I promise she’s always with you, Eliza.”

Eliza sobbed harder. Theo held her tightly until her sobs subsided. Then she lifted the covers and laid down next to Eliza. She looped an arm around her waist. 

“I know it can be scary going back to sleep after a nightmare,” Theo said. “So I’ll stay. You won’t be alone, okay?”

Eliza was too exhausted to disagree. “Okay,” she said. Safe in Theo’s arms, she let sleep claim her again, praying for sweeter, happier dreams.

 

_ Day Ten, 9:25 AM  _

 

When Eliza next awoke, she was alone, and the sun was higher in the sky than it should be for her to still be in bed. The clock next to her blinked  _ 9:25 AM.  _ She threw the blanket off of herself and was about to throw on clothes when Betsey appeared in her door.

“There she is,” she said with a smile. “Are you feeling better, sweetpea? Theodosia told me what happened.” 

“Uh, yeah,” Eliza said, her head still whirling from the break in her normal routine. 

“Don’t worry, sweetpea. I set aside some oatmeal and a fruit bowl for you.”

Eliza smiled in gratitude. “Thank you.” 

“I’ll go get it,” Betsey said before disappearing. 

As Eliza sat on her bed, waiting for Betsey to return, she went over her dream again, this time focusing on what Catherine had looked like.

_ She looked like a younger version of me. What does that mean? _

Eliza barely tasted her breakfast. She stayed in bed during group, claiming a headache. Time twisted and turned out of her grasp; it was something that she’d once held onto, but now refused to make sense in her head. She drifted in and out of sleep, images of baby Catherine in the NICU interspersed with the grown image of her, running through the field of wild flowers. No matter which version of Catherine she saw, she was unable to touch her. She was separated from Eliza’s fingertips by the glass of her incubator, or she ran just out of Eliza’s grasp. This time, Eliza awoke right before the darkness crept up on her sister, sweat dripping down her face.

She realized it’d been a knocking at the door that had awoken her. “Eliza? It’s Dr. Wheatley. May I come in?” 

Eliza’s door was open, as was protocol, but she appreciated the courtesy. “Yeah,” she said, her voice hoarse from little sleep.

Dr. Wheatley shut the door and took a seat in the chair tucked into a desk next to Eliza’s bed. She placed her notepad and pen on the desk and folded her hands, eyes trained on Eliza. Eliza knew she looked a mess. She could feel her hair was matted to her forehead with sweat, she was still in her pajamas, and her bed was unmade from all her tossing and turning. Self conscious, she pulled the blanket up to her chin, her knees tucked close to her chest.

“How are you, Eliza?”

“Good,” she said, eyes downcast.

Dr. Wheatley huffed a sad laugh. “Everything that’s happened this morning hints to the contrary,” she said gently.

“Yeah,” Eliza agreed. She was too tired to fight.

“Would you like to talk about it?” 

_ No,  _ the voice told her. But she  _ did  _ want to talk about it. She wanted to expel the images from her mind. She wanted to know why they were appearing, what they meant.

“I had a nightmare,” Eliza said.

“What was it about?”

“My sister. My sister, Catherine, the one who died.” Tears welled up in Eliza’s eyes. She was too tired to hide them.

“What happened in it?” Dr. Wheatley gently encouraged her. 

“She was always… just out of my reach. And at the end she always––” Eliza took a shaky breath. “She always dies. And she looked like me. Just like me,” she added in a whisper.

“Do you think that means something?” Dr. Wheatley asked.

“Like what?”

“It sounds like you didn’t only watch Catherine die, but yourself, too.” Dr. Wheatley was silent, and Eliza knew she was waiting for her to say something, but anything she thought to say got caught in her throat. “And that sounds terrifying,” Dr. Wheatley said. “Do you agree with that symbolism?” 

Eliza shrugged. “It makes sense.”

Eliza was exhausted. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep. She wanted to pull the blanket over her head and block out the world. She wanted to fall into a dreamless slumber and awaken at home, this darkness lifted from her mind. She wanted all those things, but she had none of them. 

Instead, she did her best to listen to Dr. Wheatley, to try and make sense of the woman’s words, but they just slushed about in her head. At some point, Dr. Wheatley left, and Theodosia returned. At some point, Eliza fell asleep.

The worst part? At some point, she would have to wake back up.

 

_ Day Ten, 2:40 PM _

 

“Trust me. You want to shower, even if it’s almost three in the afternoon.” Theodosia waltzed back into the room after a therapy session. Eliza still had yet to leave her bed. Lunch sat, mostly untouched, on her desk.

Eliza poked her head from under the blanket. “There’s no point.”

Theo sat on the edge of her bed. “Ah, see, this is why you need to. There’s the danger.”

“Huh?”

“Thinking like that. Like there’s no point. A shower will help you stop thinking like that. Let’s go tell Betsey you’d like a shower.” Theo tugged the blankets off Eliza.

“Hey! I don’t do this when you stay in bed,” Eliza grumbled.

Theo just gave her a look. “You now have my permission to. Now come on.”

Eliza could tell there was no winning, so she did as Theodosia said. And the annoying thing? Theo was right. A shower  _ did  _ make thing seem at least a little bit better.

 

_ Day Ten, 8:10 PM _

 

“I’m so glad you made it out for movie night!” Theo exclaimed. She had Eliza’s arm laced through her own and led her down the hall slowly, as if she were made of porcelain. When they got to the Common Room, movie night was gearing up. 

Molly was seeing how many pieces of popcorn she could fit in her mouth at once, Deborah was hiding her gummies from Molly, and Lizzie was laughing at their antics. Nancy was in the process of breaking a chocolate bar into many little pieces, and Paul was drinking a diet pepsi. Prudence and Aaron had nothing, as usual. But Emily had popcorn. As Eliza and Theo walked in, Eliza saw the girl accept butter on it.

Ms. Shippen was standing next to her, a big smile on her face. “This is such a great step forward, Emily,” she said.

Ms. Shippen turned her attention back to the room. “Okay everyone, take your seats!” she called. She placed the DVD in the player and dimmed the lights.

“HELL YES!” Nancy whooped. “ _ The Sound of Music _ ! My childhood fav!”

“Oh, this movie is dope,” Molly agreed.

“I’d totally be the oldest girl,” Prudence said. “She’s the prettiest.”

“I’d be Captain Von Trapp tearing apart that Nazi flag,” Deborah said.

“Okay, quiet,” Ms. Shippen said.

Eliza remembered watching this movie with her sisters when they were young. They rewatched it every Christmas season at least once. Angelica was always Lisel, Eliza was Brigitta, and Peggy was Gretl. Now they could nearly be all the girls. If baby Catherine had survived…

Eliza stopped the thought as quickly as it started. She didn’t want to go there. Not now. Not at movie night. She had all night to feel bad. Was it too much to ask to enjoy the next two hours?

She was distracted from her thoughts by Theo snuggling up next to her. She wrapped an arm around Eliza, her free hand weaving through Eliza’s. Light flooded Eliza’s mind for that moment. She knew it wouldn’t last. She new it wouldn’t cure her.

But, for the moment, everything was more perfect than it’d ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I killed her off here, let me tell you about Catherine Schuyler, or Caty, as we call her. Caty was a gifted musician (especially at piano-forte), the family historian (along with Eliza), and possibly had social anxiety. I think we can see why she's my favorite... 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Also your comments on last week's chapter literally made me cry, but in a good way. This fic means so much to me, and I'm so honored it means a lot to you, too. Thank you for going on this journey with me. Keep staying strong. <333


	12. Day Eleven

**_Thursday, Day Eleven_ **

 

_ Day Eleven, 9:30 AM  _

 

It was open discussion during group therapy. Molly’s hand flew up as soon as Ms. Shippen asked if anyone had something they wanted to talk about.

“So I  _ finally  _ figured out what I’m doing with the soldiers,” Molly said. “Actually, it’s something we’ll all get to do together.” She grinned at the other kids in the circle. “My mom shipped them to me, and Ms. Shippen said it’s cool, so we’re gonna decorate them during art therapy and they’re gonna help us.”

“Um, what?” Prudence said flatly.

“Well, I realized it’s a metaphor,” Molly said, her excitement undeterred by Prudence’s attitude. “We’re fighting our illnesses, and they fought in a war. We’re all fighters of different kinds. So they’ll, like, represent us, us as fighters, and help us win the battle.”

“I love it!” Nancy declared.

“I wanna paint a soldier,” Deborah agreed.

“So we’ll be having art therapy tomorrow afternoon,” Ms. Shippen said. “And during it you’ll all get to design your own soldier.”

“Or soldiers,” Molly said. “There’s quite a few of them.”

“I also wanted to take this time to let you know we have two new patients coming tomorrow,” Ms. Shippen added. “I trust you’ll welcome them as well as you did Eliza.” 

Theo’s hand shot up. “Do we get to know their names?”

Ms. Shippen nodded. “Mercy Warren and Lydia Darragh.” Ms. Shippen studied the group for a moment before bringing her hands together. “One last thing before we disperse,” she said. “I want everyone to set a goal for the next few days. We’ll report back on how they go on Monday. So take a moment, think of a goal, and then we’ll share with the group.”

Prudence’s hand went up right away. “Do we have to?”

“Set a goal? Yes, you do. And it would be beneficial not only to you, but to the entire group, to share them.”

Prudence sighed and grumbled.

A few minutes later, Paul’s hand went up. “I have my goal ready,” he said. “I want to have a non-confrontational family visit on Sunday.” 

Molly was next. “I want to paint a small army of soldiers.”

Emily shakily raised a hand. “I-I w-want to try ice cream again.”

“I want to get out of bed every day,” Theo said.

“I’d like to get a better understanding of my emotions,” Deborah said. Everyone in the group nodded, Theo snapping her fingers whispering  _ preach _ .

“I want to avoid getting Ensured,” Prudence said as she studied her nail beds. 

“Uh, ditto!” Nancy said.  

Eliza raised her hand. “I want to talk to one of my sisters on the phone,” she said softly. Theo gave her shoulder a squeeze. 

“I want to conquer a compulsion,” Lizzie said so quickly and quietly that Eliza nearly missed what she said.

Aaron looked down at his hands, folded in his lap.

“Okay, good job,” Ms. Shippen said after a moment of heavy silence. “We’ll talk about how our goals are going tomorrow and strategize how we can make it easier for us to achieve them.” 

As everyone stood to leave, Ms. Shippen asked Aaron to stay back. Eliza watched Aaron walk toward Ms. Shippen until the door swung shut, obscuring her view of them. She was immediately distracted by Theo looping her arm through Eliza’s.

“I think we both set excellent goals,” she said with a wink. “The trick to goals is to make them a necessity. Then you’re more likely to achieve them.”

Eliza wanted to say something about the times Theo didn’t move from her bed all day, but she bit her tongue. She didn’t want to ruin Theo’s seemingly good mood. Instead she turned her thoughts to her goal: to speak with one of her sisters. 

It had just… slipped from her mouth without much thought. She knew it was a good goal to set, but it also felt impossible. What would she even say? How would they react? Which one of them would she call first? Would the other be offended to be called second? Could she even handle  _ two  _ calls? What if they didn’t want to talk to her anymore? What if––

“Earth to Eliza!” Theo shook Eliza by the shoulder.

“Oh, sorry,” Eliza mumbled, shifting from the inner world of her thoughts to the world around her. To Theodosia.

“Where’d you go?”

“Uh, I was thinking about my goal.” That wasn’t a lie, at least.

“Ah, yes, you fell into the classic beginner’s trap of setting a goal that actually has challenge to it.” Theo patted her shoulder sympathetically. “Don’t worry, after this I’ll coach you on how to set better goals.”

Eliza forced her face to contort into a smile. “Okay,” she said with a laugh.

_ Nothing is okay,  _ she thought.  _ And I doubt it will be anytime soon.  _

 

_ Day Eleven, 5:30 PM _

 

“Fuck,” Prudence said. “This is so much harder than I thought it’d be.” 

“You can say that again,” Nancy mumbled as she pushed around her mashed potatoes.

“This is hopeless. I’m giving up,” Prudence sighed. 

Nancy stared at her plate for a minute. “You’re  _ food!  _ I  _ need  _ you.” She sniffled

“Is she crying?” Deborah whispered.

Theo grimaced. “Damn.”

“Why is it so damn hard?” Nancy said. She threw her fork on the plate, sending potato flying into the air. “Why am I like this?” she shrieked. 

Ms. Shippen and a nurse rushed over to her. She sobbed, covering her face with her hands. After murmuring softly to her and to each other, Ms. Shippen and Nabby ushered Nancy from the dining room. Everyone else was left in a stunned silence. 

Prudence looked whiter than usual, which Eliza hadn’t thought was possible. Emily was shaking. Aaron stared and stared at his plate. 

Deborah was the first to get up. She took her plate and cup and walked over to Prudence and Emily, taking a seat next to the latter girl. Molly and Lizzie followed. Theo motioned to Eliza, and they dragged their chairs over. Paul glanced at Aaron. Aaron, to everyone’s surprise, stood, and brought his chair to the table with Paul.

They crowded around the table, nobody touching their food. Nancy’s seat remained empty. 

Deborah took Emily’s hand, and Theo took Prudence’s. Surprisingly, Prudence didn’t fight it. 

“We all go there,” Molly said, her voice soft. “For me it was my second day here. I was so angry with my parents for making me come here. I took the one picture I’d brought with me–– one of me and my family–– and tore it to shreds in the Common Room.” She laughed under her breath. “What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t angry with them, but with me.”

“I-I-I threw an ice cream cone on the floor once,” Emily said. “B-before c-coming h-h-here.” She giggled. “M-my mom was l-livid. I was f-fr-frustrated.”

“I threw my basketball trophies in a garbage bag and left them on my parents’ bed,” Paul said. “I thought I was sticking it to the man. I hadn’t realized I hated basketball because I hated  _ everything _ . Including myself.”

“I started skipping school,” Theo said. She shrugged. “I was too depressed to go for a long time, but I used to force myself to. Then I just gave up. Got real pissed when my mom got on my case, too.”

“I threw a tantrum in an apple orchard,” Prudence muttered. 

“ _ What? _ ” Deborah said. “Oh man, don’t leave us hanging! You gotta spill that one.” 

Prudence laughed, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Her hand trembled in Theo’s. 

“I was with my friends and one of their moms. They were talking about all the apple-themed things they were going to get when we got back to the shop, and all I could do was stare at the apples on the trees and think about how many calories were in them. I literally shook with fear whenever one of my friends tried to get me to eat one.” She looked at the group, a blush rising to her face. 

“And then to hear them talking about apple cider donuts and cinnamon buns and apple cider and maple candy––” She took a calming breath, as if the rage from that day was coming back. “It was too much. I lost it.” 

“How?” Molly asked.

“ _ Molly _ ,” Theo admonished. 

“It’s whatever,” Prudence sighed. “I threw my apples one by one. Up toward the trees, on the ground, down the trail at one point. One hit my friend’s mom in the boob.”

Molly snorted.

“That was what finally got me admitted here, and I apologized… eventually.” She smirked. “It took me a while.”

Theo looked at Prudence, her eyes wide. “I’ve never heard you be this…” 

“Honest?” Prudence laughed. “Yeah, I know. Don’t expect it to be a thing. I’m just…” 

“Freaked?” Paul asked. 

“Shook?” Molly added.

“Rocked to the core?” Deborah said.

Prudence rolled her eyes. “All of the above.” A small smile tugged at her lips. “Thanks for…” She gestured to the circle. 

“If we aren’t there for each other, who will be?” Molly said with a grin. 

“Yeah, we’ve got your back,” Deborah said. 

Eliza watched as everyone chatted and slowly turned their attention back to the meal. Ten minutes later, Nabby reappeared, relieving the secretary who’d been called in to watch over the kids in her absence.

“Dinner’s over,” she said. “You can go to the Common Room, if you’d like.”

Everyone stood except for Prudence. She sat staring at her plate. 

“Oh my god,” she whispered. She looked up at the group, fear in her eyes. “I did it?” 

“HELL YES YOU DID!” Deborah shouted. 

Everyone erupted into hoots and hollers. Emily pulled Prudence to her feet and engulfed her in a hug. Eliza knew she’d never forget that moment, or the look on Prudence’s face. She’d never forget what recovery looks like. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Prudence so much! Her bravery is everything in this chapter :') 
> 
> Learn about Peggy Shippen, everyone's favorite counselor, here! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peggy_Shippen 
> 
> See you soon, bbys. Stay strong! <333


	13. Day Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR POSTING LATE!!!!!! I fell asleep by accident, oops! Also sorry for any errors. I was too tired to proof read D: <333

**_Friday, Day Twelve_ **

 

_ Day Twelve, 9:30 AM  _

 

Everyone sat at long tables, paint and brushes spread out on newspaper before them. Ms. Shippen entered the room with three stacked boxes in hand.

“My soldiers,” Molly giggled. 

“I want ten,” Deborah whispered. 

Theo swirled her clean paint brush around on the newspaper, eyes glazed over, seemingly far from the room, far from the conversation. But she’d gotten out of bed. She was abiding by her goal so far. 

Nancy seemed back to her usual bubbly self that morning, sitting off at another table, chatting with Prudence and Emily. Lizzie was laughing as Deborah told her a story, and Paul was talking to Aaron who, of course, was not saying anything in return, though Paul didn’t seem to mind. 

Ms. Shippen clapped her hands from the front of the room. “Okay, everyone. Today we’re doing art therapy.” 

There was a mixture of exclamations of happiness and groans from the group. 

“Thanks to the soldiers so generously donated by Molly––”

“Thank my manic self, really,” Molly said with a wink.

“Molly and her mother,” Ms. Shippen said, trying to keep the laughter out of her voice, “we have a special project today. I know we talked about it a bit in group yesterday, but I’m going to go over it quickly again.”

“Really?” Prudence whined. Ms. Shippen ignored her.

“You will each design one soldier at the least,” Ms. Shippen said. “You are welcome to make more than that, too. We have plenty to go around.”

“We really do,” Molly stage-whispered. 

“Imagine them as personified versions of your internal voice, that  _ good  _ internal voice that we’re all developing. The one that fights back against the negative internal thoughts.” 

Deborah’s hand shot up. “Can we do some for the negative thoughts but show them, like, losing?” 

Ms. Shippen thought for a moment before nodding. “I can see that be particularly effective for you, Deborah. Sure, go ahead.”

“Yes!” Deborah pumped a fist in the air.

“Any questions?” 

The group was silent. 

“When we’re done, we’ll talk about the thoughts we had in designing the soldiers,” Ms. Shippen added. “So please, get to work!” With the clap of her hands, she dismissed them.

Deborah dove into her work right away, as did Molly and Lizzie. Eliza watched Prudence examine a soldier critically, her face scrunched up. Nancy was making them talk to each other, and Emily was giggling at her antics. Paul and Aaron seemed engulfed in the project. Next to Eliza, Theo twirled a soldier around aimlessly.

Eliza wanted to paint hers as accurately to their era–– the American Revolution–– as possible. She poured some dark blue paint out and got started. Theo grabbed the purple paint and squeezed a large dollop of it onto her paper plate. She then took the soldier and twirled him in it.

“What are you doing?” Eliza asked.

“Painting the soldier,” Theo said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Deborah was already on her second soldier. She seemed to be going for historical accuracy, too. She had a blue coated soldier and was working on a red one. 

Prudence had painted one soldier yellow, and was working on one that was entirely black. Nancy was putting pink polka dots on hers.

The morning passed by quickly. Despite their earlier protests, everyone in the group seemed to have a good time, and they all painted multiple soldiers. By the end, there were only a few unpainted soldiers left. 

Molly talked about her painting process first. She held up one soldier who was painted using bright oranges, reds, and yellows, all swirled around each other. 

“The guy represents me when I’m manic. This was me when I bought them all,” she explained. She then held up one that was painted a solid navy color. “This is me when I’m depressed. Everything is monotone.” She grabbed a final soldier, painted as a rainbow. “This is what I want to be. Able to experience every emotion, but in a normal, balanced way.”

There were murmurs of approval. Deborah snapped her fingers in solidarity. 

Deborah went next. “I painted mine like the actual soldiers of the Revolution,” she explained. She held up a few that were painted blue. “These are the Americans.” She held up some with white coats. “These are our allies, the French.” Then she held up the redcoats. “The British, obviously.” Then, to everyone’s surprise, she held up ones with green coats. “The Hessians, or German mercenaries who fought for the British.” 

She lined them all up on her table, each side facing off. “Some of them die.” She toppled two British soldiers over. “Some desert.” One American ran away. “But others convert.” The remaining British and German soldiers joined the Americans. “That’s what I want my thoughts, my bad thoughts, to do.”

There wasn’t much time left in group, so Ms. Shippen asked for only a few more volunteers. When nobody offered, she called on Prudence. 

“Ugh,  _ fine, _ ” Prudence said. She held up a yellow soldier. “This was me before my ED. Happy. Whatever.” She held up a red one. “This is me now. Dying, according to everyone around me.” Finally, she held up a black one. “This is how I feel all the time. Bad. Depressed. Shocker.” 

Nancy chuckled. “Prudence, you tell it like it is.” 

Prudence couldn’t help but smile a bit. “I try.”

“I just dipped mine in paint colors I like,” Theo said with a laugh. “To make me happier and reminded me to strive for happiness.” 

Eliza looked at hers. They were all painted in the colors of the Continental Army, to remind her that she was a descendant of the people who had made America. To remind her that if they could fight that war, she could certainly fight this one. If they could win that war, against all the odds, maybe she had a chance of winning, too. 

 

_ Day Twelve, 2:00 PM _

 

Eliza and Dr. Wheatley were once again on a hike. This time, they were mostly silent for the walk up the hill. Dr. Wheatley asked Eliza to listen carefully to the sounds around them, to try and let the sounds of nature fill her thoughts instead of the negative voice that was always in her mind. Eliza was surprised to find it was working. 

Once they got to the top of the hill, they did another free writing exercise together. Dr. Wheatley set her timer for five minutes. Eliza set her pen to paper and let the words flow out of her.

_ I’m so scared to call my sisters. Which one do I call first? Will the other be offended I didn’t choose them? Do I have to call them both back-to-back, or can I do one one night and another the next? Will they even want to talk to me. They probably hate me. I hate me, so how can they not? I’ve ignored the people I love most in the world and they have no idea why. They have no idea that it’s all got to do with me, not with them. When I explain that to them, will they understand? God, I really messed this all up. They’ll hate me forever and ever and my family will be forever ruined because of this and–– Ugh, Dr. Wheatley would hate these negative thoughts. But they feel so real. They feel like  _ me _. How do you stop the bad parts of yourself without losing yourself? Is this even me, or have I just felt this way for so long that I think it’s me? _

Dr. Wheatley’s alarm buzzed. “Do you want to talk about anything you wrote about?”

“I’m going to call one of my sisters,” Eliza said. 

“Wow, that’s a big step!” Dr. Wheatley said. “How are you feeling about it?”

“Terrified,” Eliza admitted. “What if the one I don’t call first hates me for it?”

“How would you feel in this situation?” 

“What do you mean?” Eliza asked, puzzled. 

“If one of your sisters was in your place and she called your other sister first, how would you feel?”

Eliza shrugged. “Maybe a bit sad, but happy she finally contacted us. Hopeful she’d talk to me next.” 

“That’s how your sister will likely feel,” Dr. Wheatley said softly. “How does that compare to what you were thinking she’d feel?”

Eliza laughed. “I thought she’d hate me. Like, forever.”

“Does this reaction we just discussed seem more realistic?”

“Much,” Eliza admitted. 

“The way of thinking you just described–– thinking she’d hate you for something small–– is called catastrophizing.”

“I seem to be good at it, then,” Eliza said.

Dr. Wheatley laughed. “It’s something we can work on. Does that sound good?”

“Yes,” Eliza said. “That sounds great.” 

 

_ Day Twelve, 5:30 PM _

 

There was a new face at dinner that night. Just like Eliza had on her first day, she stood awkwardly at the entryway to the dining chamber. Betsey pointed to the table Eliza, Deborah, Lizzie, Theo, and Molly were crowded around, but the girl anxiously shook her head no. Nabby gestured to an empty table, and relief flooded the girl’s face. Betsey seemed to offer to  sit with her, to which the girl seemed to agree. 

Eliza wanted to study her more, but it was a small room. Her staring would be noticeable. She forced herself to focus on her dinner and the conversation swirling around her.

“My mom is so gonna love my soldiers,” Molly said around a mouthful of potatoes and carrots. “I want her to see some of you guys’, too, if that’s cool.” 

“Sure,” Theo shrugged. Everyone else at the table agreed. 

Prudence and Nancy were both anxiously attempting to finish their meals to meet their weekly goals. Nancy was smashing her potatoes over and over again, Prudence eating a pea at a time. Eliza averted her eyes. It seemed rude to watch for some reason.  _ I hope they can do it, _ she thought. 

Tonight she was conquering her goal. Theo had promised to go with her to make the phone call, too. That comforted Eliza more than she wanted to admit.

Dinner passed too quickly. Nancy reached her goal, but Prudence didn’t. She tried to act like she didn’t care, but Eliza could tell she did. Betsey sat with her as she slowly drank her Ensure. 

Eliza was working up the courage to call one of her sisters–– she still hadn’t decided on  _ who _ –– when Nabby appeared in the Common Room. 

“You’ve got a call, Eliza.” 

Eliza could tell from her voice that Nabby entirely expected Eliza to dismiss it. The shock on the woman’s face when Eliza said  _ okay  _ and stood to go to the main office was priceless. Theo quickly dashed over to Eliza when she realized what was happening and took her hand. 

Eliza took a deep breath as she and Theo followed Nabby into the office. She picked up the phone. “Hello?” Her voice was shaky.   
  
There was complete silence on the other end.   
  
“Hello?” Eliza repeated. Theo squeezed her hand. 

  
“Eliza?” Peggy’s voice cracked as she said her sister’s name.   
  
“Yeah, it’s me,” Eliza said, anxiety clawing at her throat. The moment of truth was upon her. She was about to hear how much Peggy hated her.    
  
“I-I… I miss you, Liza,” Peggy whispered.    
  
“Oh, Peggy,” Eliza said. Tears swelled up in her eyes. Dr. Wheatley had been right. Eliza couldn’t believe it.  _ She could not believe it.  _   
  
“I really do,” Peggy said, her voice still a whisper. Eliza imagined Maria in the room with her sister, her eyes wide in shock that Eliza had finally answered.  _ What must Maria think of me?  _

Peggy’s voice snapped her back to the present. “Will you let me see you in a few weeks? When I get out of school?”   
  
“Of course I will, Pegs. I’m so sorry I haven’t talked to you.” The lump in Eliza’s throat was slowly–– ever so slowly–– dissipating.    
  
“Okay,” Peggy choked on a sob.   
  
“Oh, Pegs, please don’t cry, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Eliza said.   
  
“Not your fault,” Peggy murmured into the phone.   
  
“Yeah, it is. I ignored you, and I’m so sorry. It will never happen again, Pegs, okay?” There was so much Eliza wanted to say to Peggy, but she couldn’t get any of the words out.   
  
“Okay,” Peggy said, still crying.   
  
“I hope you can forgive me someday,” Eliza said.   
  
“Of course I forgive you, silly,” Peggy said with a sad laugh.   
  
“Thank you,” Eliza whispered.   
  
“Have you talked to Angie?”   
  
“No,” Eliza said after a moment. Shame washed over her. Now that she was talking to her sister, she wondered why she hadn’t done it earlier.   
  
“She misses you, too.”   
  
“I know,” Eliza said. “It’s just really hard. I’m homesick and exhausted and hearing your voice is both the best thing ever and really painful because as soon as I hang up you’re gone again and I’m stuck here. Alone.”   
  
“The moon,” Peggy said into the phone. “At 8:30 we’ll look at the moon.”   


Eliza was suspended in time for a moment.  _ The moon. Whenever they were separated, they looked at the moon. At 8:30, so they knew they were doing the same thing at the same moment. So they felt less alone. _   
  
Eliza couldn’t hold back her sob. “You remember?”   
  
“Of course I do,” Peggy said. Eliza could tell she was crying, too.   
  
“The moon, at 8:30.”   
  
“The moon at 8:30,” Peggy echoed.   
  
“Tonight,” Eliza said as if she were in a trance.   
  
“And every night. Every night until you’re home.”   
  
“Every night until I’m home.”   
  
“I love you,” Eliza said. “So, so much.”

“I love you too,” Peggy said. “Will we talk again soon?”

“Yes,” Eliza said. “Yes.” And she meant it.

  
  


_ Day Twelve, 8:30 PM _

 

Eliza looked out the window of the Common Room at the sky, her eyes locked on the moon. Tears fell down her face as she thought of Peggy doing the same thing. For that one moment, she felt more connected to her sister than she had in a long, long time. For that one moment, everything felt okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep staying strong, bbys <333 Next week I'll feature two rad women to check out <333


	14. Day Thirteen

**_Saturday, Day Thirteen_ **

 

_ Day Thirteen, 9:30 AM  _

 

Everyone was silent at group, trying to get a feel for the two new faces there. One of them, Lydia Darragh, they had learned her name was, had been at dinner the night before. The other, Mercy Warren, had arrived late last night, while everyone else was already in bed. 

“We’ve got some new faces,” Ms. Shippen said, bringing Eliza back to when she had arrived at the treatment center. Just like then, Ms. Shippen had everyone go around the room and introduce themselves. 

Finally, it was Lydia’s turn. She was a pale skinned girl with freckles smathered across her face and brown curly hair. “My name’s Lydia,” she said with an accent. “You can probably tell I’m Irish, from Dublin, but I call Philly home now.” She took a look around at the group. “I’m here because my eating disorder is kicking my ass.”

There were a few snaps and words of support before everyone turned to the other new face.

“I’m Mercy Warren. I’m from Massachusetts. I’m here because I wish I was dead.” Mercy was very straightforward, emotionless in her speech. She had tan skin, thick black hair, and was dressed in a kind of gothic way. 

“Thank you for sharing, everyone,” Ms. Shippen said. “Today’s topic is intrusive thoughts. What they are, and how to deal with them.”

Nancy raised her hand right away. “I hate them.” 

“Preach!” Deborah hollered. 

“Can you maybe explain them to the group?” Ms. Shippen asked Nancy.

“They’re thoughts you have that aren’t… exactly your own. They belong to the disorder, but they feel so real that they  _ feel  _ like your own thoughts and you  _ really  _ feel compelled to follow them most of the time.”

“Great,” Ms. Shippen said. “I like how you said you  _ feel  _ compelled to follow them. That tells us that you don’t actually have to follow them.”

Deborah raised her hand. “But it’s hella hard not to follow them.” 

“That it is,” Ms. Shippen agreed. “But does anyone have some tips on dealing with them?”

To everyone’s surprise, Prudence raised her hand. “Tell them they have no control over you. Don’t even acknowledge them. Laugh at them. Do anything to take away their power.” She stared into her lap.

“Yes,” Ms. Shippen said after a moment. “That’s perfect, Prudence.”

“That’s what Dr. Wheatley and I have been working on,” she mumbled. “So I can avoid being Ensured.”

“Has it been working?” Theo asked.

“Yeah,” Prudence said with a small smile. “It has.”

“Recovery!” Deborah hollered. 

“Recovery!” the group echoed. Everyone clapped, and Prudence giggled, hiding her face. 

Eliza grinned. Maybe there was hope. Maybe there was hope for them  _ all _ .

  
  


_ Day Thirteen, 5:30 PM  _

 

There were good moments and bad moments. Dinner was proving the be a bad moment for just about everyone. Nancy had broken down crying over the meal, Emily was practically pulling her hair out as she ate, Lydia and Aaron refused to eat a bite, and the atmosphere was clearly affecting Prudence, who was spending too much time pushing around her potatoes. 

Even Theo wasn’t eating like she normally did. 

“You okay?” Molly asked her around a mouthful of cooked carrots. 

Theo shrugged. “My body feels so heavy. I want to go to bed but…” she sighed. “I’ll be damned if I don’t reach my goal,” she said. 

“Yo, your well-being is more important,” Deborah said, her fork pointed at Theo.

Eliza longed to take Theo’s hand and tell her it’d be okay, that she’d help her. Instead, she remained silent, unsure of what to say.

“I’m a perfectionist,” Theo shrugged. “I need to do this.” 

“It’s almost bedtime,” Lizzie offered. She’d sectioned off all her foods so they weren’t touching. 

“Almost,” Theo said with a sigh. 

Prudence miraculously avoided being Ensured, but Nancy, Emily, Aaron, and Lydia weren’t as fortunate. As they stayed behind, everyone else headed to the Common Room. That Saturday they were allowed to watch some TV, so  _ Modern Family  _ played in the background as Theo and Eliza sat in an oversized armchair together, Theo huddled into Eliza, who ran her fingers through the other girl’s curls.

“It feels so heavy. I’ve been here for so long. Both in this place, and mentally. I feel like it’s not getting better, Eliza, and I’m terrified.” She sniffled. “This will be the fifth medication I’ve tried, and it’s a different class. It’s no longer an SSRI…” she took a shuddering breath. “It’s a mood stabilizer. I’m so scared,” she admitted. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Eliza said, unsure if it was, but needing her words to be true; to bring comfort to Theo. 

“My team said this one has the least side effects. But what if it doesn’t work? And then I have to take one with bad side effects? And I never live a normal life?” 

“Woah, Theo, shh, you’re getting ahead of yourself,” Eliza said.  _ Why is it so easy to realize when someone else is catastrophizing but not when I am?  _ Eliza wondered. 

“True, true,” Theo said. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself. “Okay, right, stay in the present moment, Theo!” She snuggled into Eliza more. “Thank you, Eliza. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

Eliza blushed, grateful Theo couldn’t see it from her angle. “Anytime,” she said softly. “I’m happy to be here for you.” She let herself melt into Theo, and, for the first time in a long time, felt something like comfort. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit to entirely projecting onto Theo here... OOPS! (I'm not scared anymore, tho! It does get better <3) 
> 
> Learn about Mercy Otis Warren here!! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercy_Otis_Warren 
> 
> Keep staying strong, bbys. Your comments and kudos make my day! <333


	15. Day Fourteen

**_Sunday, Day Fourteen_ **

 

_ Day Fourteen, 7:25 AM _

 

“Fuck, I can’t wait for weekly goals to be over because all I want to do is  _ sleep _ ,” Theo said. She cocooned herself in her blankets more with every word. 

“I can’t believe it, but I reached my weekly goal.” Eliza stared up at the ceiling, her heart still glowing from her conversation with Peggy. Part of her knew she’d have to talk to Angelica soon, but she was trying to take it one step at a time. 

“Yeah, and you even set a hard one,” Theo mumbled. 

Just then something shot under their door.

“I’m intrigued, but I’m not getting out of bed to see what the hell it is,” Theo said. 

Eliza got out of bed and picked it up off the floor. Her name was written in a beautiful cursive hand on the front of the sheet of looseleaf, folded in on itself a few times.

“It’s addressed to me.” 

“Oh, a love letter!” Theo giggled.

Eliza felt herself blush.  _ You’re the one I’d want a love letter from,  _ she thought.

She unfurled it and right away recognized the handwriting.

 

_ Dear Eliza, _

_ If you would be so kind, meet me in the cafeteria at 2:45 PM today. Thank you. _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Aaron Burr _

 

“Aaron wants to meet with me,” Eliza said, perplexed. 

“So he’s clearly in love with you,” Theo said. 

“Theooooo,” Eliza said. “Be serious. What could he want?”

Theo shrugged. “I suppose you’ll find out soon.”

“At 2:45 this afternoon.”

“Only he would pick such a specific time,” Theo muttered. 

Eliza shrugged. “Well, it’ll be interesting.” 

Theo rolled over. “Wake me up for breakfast. And I’m only saying that so I can achieve this idiotic goal.” 

Before Eliza could say anything in response, Theo had rolled over and shut her eyes, seemingly drifting off into sleep right away. 

Eliza glanced at the note again. It was going to be an interesting day. 

  
  


_ Day Fourteen, 2:45 PM _

 

Eliza stood in the cafeteria. Aaron walked in a moment later and gestured to a table. Eliza sat and stared at Aaron, who sat across from her, his hands folded very properly. He slide a note across the table to her. 

_ I have a weekly goal, too,  _ it read. 

“What is it?” Eliza asked. 

Aaron cleared his throat. “H-h-hello, Eliza,” he said. 

Eliza tried not to let her surprise show. “Hi,” she said, her face breaking out into a huge grin. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Thanks,” he whispered.

Eliza could tell from what little he’d said that he had a smooth voice; a voice good at comforting others. 

“Thanks for choosing me,” Eliza said. “Why me?”  _ Why am I worthy of this monumental step forward? Why me?  _

“You’re m-m-y fr-friend,” he said. 

Eliza grinned.  _ You’re my friend.  _ She hadn’t realized how much those words meant until they’d been spoken––  _ spoken _ –– by a boy who hadn’t spoken in the two weeks she’d known him. A boy who’d just needed someone who’d stick around, who’d wait for him to be ready; to wait for it. Eliza was honored to be the person who’d done just that. Who’d waited, and who heard his voice; who witnessed his recovery. 

“And you’re my friend,” she said. “And I’m glad.”

“S-so glad,” Aaron said.

“So glad,” Eliza echoed. 

  
  


_ Day Fourteen, 3:30 PM _

 

It was once again Deborah and Eliza, alone, while everyone else either visited with family and friends or was at the special eating disorder program. 

“Another week, another hour of getting to watch whatever I want on the TV,” Deborah said with a grin. Eliza hoped she wasn’t putting on an act; that she really was okay with never having any visitors.

Before Eliza could say anything, Nabby walked into the room. “You both got visitors,” she said.

From the lag in Deborah’s response, it was obvious she almost didn’t hear Nabby. “Wh- _ what _ ?” Deborah said.

“That’s right, you’ve got a visitor,” Nabby said with a smile. 

“Damn, I feel horrible Mom took off work to come here!” Deborah said, even though she was obviously excited to see her mom. 

Eliza knew who would be there for her. Her family. Her ever loving family, who religiously made the trek to visit her.

They followed Nabby down the hallway. When the doors to the visiting room opened, Eliza saw her parents sitting on one side of a table holding hands, her mother’s face tired, her father’s scarred with worry lines. The only other table empty of a kid recieving guests housed a young girl with curly brown hair and dark skin. She jumped out of her seat as soon as Deborah entered the room. 

“ _ Holy fuck, _ ” Deborah whispered. “MARY!” she hollered, running across the room to the other girl, her arms flying around her. Then, to everyone’s surprise, Deborah kissed Mary with overwhelming passion. 

Molly hollered, and a few other whoops and hoots rose up across the room. Mary giggled, hiding her face in embarrassment, but Deborah proudly smiled down at her girlfriend. 

“How did you get here?” 

“Train, bus, Uber,” Mary shrugged. “All worth it to see you again.” 

“Mary Van Tassell, you are the best girlfriend in the entire world,” Deborah declared. She took Mary’s hand and they sat down at a table together, their heads close together, their voices now whispers. Eliza admired how quickly they seemed able to create their own world, to forget the wider world around them. 

“Hi sweetie.” Eliza’s mother snapped her from thoughts. She turned her attention to her parents. 

“Hi, Mama and Papa.” She let them embrace her. “Where are the kids?”

“With my parents,” her mother replied. “We wanted some time with you.” She ran a hand through Eliza’s hair and smiled down at her.

“How are you? How is everyone?”

“We’re all just fine, honey,” her father said. “How are you doing?”

“Better,” she said before she could second-guess it, and she was amazed to find it felt true. 

Her parents’ faces lit up. “Really? That’s excellent,” her father said. “There’s no rush, though, honey. Your health is the most important thing in the world.” 

“Thanks, Papa,” she said. “I talked to Peggy the other day.”

“She told us,” Mama said. “She was so happy, sweetie. Thank you for doing that.” 

Eliza squirmed uncomfortably. “I would have done it sooner. I just… couldn’t.” 

“That’s okay,” her father reassured her. “Peggy understood, and so does Angelica.” 

“I am going to talk to her, too. She’s next,” Eliza said with a small smile. 

“She’ll love to hear from you,” her mother said.

The rest of the visit consisted of chat about the younger kids, about summer approaching, about her grandparents. It felt so overwhelmingly normal, and Eliza was actually sad to see it end.

“Next week?” she said as her parents stood to leave. 

“It’s not even a question,” her father said before wrapping her in a tight hug and kissing the crown of her head. “We will always be here to see you, Eliza. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THREE CHEERS FOR AARON!!! To the person who commented and said they want more from Aaron: you don't know how sneakily I grinned when I read that, since this was already written ;)))
> 
> Also Deborah likely had a thing with Mary Van Tassel irl ;))))))
> 
> I'll highlight another awesome gal soon. I'm just... in a bit of a depression right now. Ugh. See you guys next week <333 Stay strong, kiddos <333


	16. Day Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!!! Explanation for my disappearance (for anyone who doesn't read STCNTA) in the end notes.
> 
> TW for discussion of suicidal thoughts. Your safety is more important than a fic, kiddos!!!

**Sunday, Day Fifteen**

 

_ Day Fifteen, 9:30 AM _

 

“So Deborah, the big question is…” Nancy mimicked a drumroll. “Who the heck was with you at visiting hour yesterday?” 

Deborah couldn’t hold back her grin. “My amazing girlfriend who took an Uber all the way from New York to see me!” 

“How’d you meet?” Nancy asked. 

“Online. We both run history blogs.”

“So romantic,” Prudence mumbled. 

“She’s just jealous ‘cause she’s single,” Nancy said with the wave of her hand. 

“Girls, let’s not make Deborah feel overwhelmed,” Ms. Shippen said.

“You kidding? I could talk about Mary all day!” Deborah said with a chuckle. “I’m sure everyone knows nobody has been able to visit me since I got here. I talk to my mom every day, and to Mary, too, but she didn’t breathe a word of this to me. Completely surprised me. That’s what I love about her.”

“Love!” Nancy exclaimed. 

“Love,” Deborah said with another large grin. 

“This is a good segway to our topic for the day: love in all kinds of relationships, and how it helps and hinders our recovery,” Ms. Shippen said.

“Mary helps!” Deborah said. 

“How?” Ms. Shippen encouraged. 

“She listens, she supports me, she loves me through everything. She wasn’t freaked out by my diagnosis.” 

“All important qualities that help us heal,” Ms. Shippen agreed. “Can anyone think of when love hinders recovery?” 

Molly raised her hand. “When it’s controlling.” 

Prudence scoffed. “I’m already controlling enough without someone else getting all controlling on me.” 

“True that!” Nancy snapped her fingers. 

“How can we take control back from someone who is attempting to control us?” Ms. Shippen asked.

Lizzie raised her hand and blushed as she spoke. “We can ignore them until they stop.”

Deborah raised her hand. “We can tell them to back the hell off!”

Ms. Shippen nodded. “Both valid methods, so long as we’re not being combative about it.”

Deborah rolled her eyes. “Awh, you take the fun out of it.”

Prudence raised her hand, but spoke before Ms. Shippen acknowledged her. “What if you mom is a controlling bitch who will stop at nothing short of ruining your life?”

“You always talk about your mom being a bitch but I’ve never heard  _ why  _ she is,” Molly said. 

“Do spill,” Deborah added.

“ _ Girls _ ,” Ms. Shippen said with a sigh.

“Come on! Group is for sharing,” Molly said.

“Only if Prudence wants to,” Ms. Shippen relented. 

“She’s basically mapped out my entire life. When I entered ninth grade she  _ forced  _ me into this prestigious private school––”

“Oh wow, must have been  _ so  _ hard,” Molly deadpanned. 

“Molly,” Ms. Shippen warned.

“No, I get it, it sounds ungrateful,” Prudence said. She glared at Molly. “But all I wanted was to go to public school with my friends. I wanted a normal life. But  _ she  _ already had the rest of my life figured out. So she sent me to a school with a good STEM program and made me sign up for every math and science elective I could take. I was up until two AM doing homework most nights. At  _ fourteen _ .”

She looked around the group. “I know you all think I’m just some whiny white girl, and maybe I am. But I would have given my spot in that school up to someone much more deserving than me in a heartbeat. But my mom wants me to be a doctor, and she thought the school would give me a boost come college time. Once, she told me that she’d disown me if I don’t get into an Ivy League school.” Prudence scoffed. “I said ‘good!’ because at that point, I was so done with her.”

“How’d you even get here, then?” Molly asked. “I mean, she doesn’t sound like the type to let you not go to school.”

“My dad stepped in.” Prudence sighed. In all her time here, Eliza realized she’d never heard Prudence mention her father once. From the look on her face, it must have caused her pain. 

“My mom and dad divorced when I was five. I don’t remember much from when they were together except for a lot of yelling.”

“I get you,” Deborah said. 

“Yeah,” Lizzy agreed.

“Thanks,” Prudence said, actually sounding sincere. “When I went to visit my dad the summer after my freshman year he noticed I… wasn’t doing well. Not long after that, here I was for the first time. He forced my mom’s hand.”

“Do you have to live with her again after?” Theo asked.

Prudence’s lips upturned ever so slightly. “No,” she said. “I’ll live with my dad, step-mother, and sister.” The shadow of a smile fell from her face. “But my mom won’t leave me alone.”

“You owe her nothing!” Molly said. “It sounds like she doesn’t really see  _ you _ , only the you she wants you to be.”

“That’s how it feels,” Prudence mumbled. 

“Prudence, what do you want to be, after all this, after you graduate?” Ms. Shippen stepped in.

“I like photography. I want to study it in college.” Prudence broke out into a real smile. “And my mom will hate it.”

Deborah whooped and hollered, Molly clapped her hands. Theo laughed, and even Eliza couldn’t help but smile.

“We have to end group, but good job today, everyone.” Ms. Shippen looked around at each of them. “I like this… this helping each other. You’ve done a wonderful job today.” 

Deborah bowed as she stood, everyone laughing. Eliza watched Nancy hug Prudence, and smiled as she saw Prudence really hug Nancy back. Emily patted Prudence’s shoulder, and the three girls walked out together. Eliza was glad to have a bit more of the mystery that was Prudence solved. Just as she was considering the progress they’d all made in group, her eyes landed on Theo.

__ Now I just have to unravel the secrets of Theodosia.  
  
  


_ Day 15, 2:00 PM _

 

“So… what are we doing here?” Paul asked, staring at the piece of a strawberry in his palm. 

“We’re practicing mindfulness,” Nancy said.

“We’re using all our senses,” Ms. Shippen said. “To explore the strawberry.”

Prudence rolled her eyes. Nancy actually seemed interested, as did everyone else in the group. Eliza looked down at the strawberry in her hand.  _ I’ve never  _ really  _ looked at a strawberry before. I mean, not more than a few seconds before eating it.  _

“We start with what we see. Who can describe the strawberry for us?”

Mercy, who’d been silent the entire day, raised her hand. “It’s red,” she said in a monotone. 

“Good,” Ms. Shippen said. “What else do you see?”

“Y-yellow seeds,” Emily offered. “A-and the middle is wh-white, and l-looks like half a he-heart.”

“Very descriptive,” Ms. Shippen said. “What about its texture?”

“Smooth, with little bumps from the seeds,” Nancy said. “And the middle of it is…” she ran her finger over it and her face scrunched up. “A little slimy!” 

Everyone laughed.

“Now, close your eyes and keep feeling it. Shout out whatever words come to mind as you do.”

“Moist,” Deborah said.

“Squishy in the middle part,” Molly said.

“A little sticky?” Paul said.

“Okay, good,” Ms. Shippen said. “Now, what does it smell like?”

“Cold?” Nancy said. “Was this in the fridge before this?” 

Ms. Shippen laughed. “Maybe,” she said. “Can you smell anything else?”

“Fruity?” Deborah said. 

Molly laughed. “That’s so specific.” 

“Hey, can you do any better?” Deborah said.

“Ha, no!” Molly laughed again.

“Okay, now take one bite of the strawberry.”

“But it’s so small!” Deborah said.

“I’m confident you can manage,” Ms. Shippen said. Everyone took a bite. “Now chew it slowly, and take note of how it feels in your mouth. Notice the texture, notice how it tastes.” 

Eliza chewed the small piece of strawberry as slowly as possible, and was surprised at all she’d never noticed in the fruit before.  _ It’s sweet, but a little sour, like it has a kick to it. The little seeds get stuck between my teeth and crunch as I chew them. _

“Okay,” Ms. Shippen said. “Now eat the rest of it, repeating the same exercise.” 

“This is stupid,” Prudence mumbled. 

Nancy shrugged. “I’ve just realized I never really  _ noticed  _ a strawberry before.”

Eliza placed the remaining strawberry in her mouth and let it sit on her tongue a moment before chewing.  _ I want to tell Angelica and Peggy about this. I want them to actually taste something like this, too. _

When the group ended, Eliza waited for Theo, who was talking with Deborah and Molly on the opposite side of the room. On her way out of the room, Mercy stopped in front of Eliza. She stared at her for a moment with her arms crossed. 

“You’re Eliza, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Eliza said, something in her throat tightening.

“Theodosia said you’re one of us.” 

“Wh-what?” 

“That you’re here for the same reason as we are.”

Eliza’s face burned red. Something didn’t feel right about this. She looked over at Theodosia.  _ Is she telling everyone my secrets? _

“So?” Mercy prodded. 

Eliza nodded. “Yeah, I guess. Um, excuse me, but I, I have to go.” She pushed past Mercy. It took all of her self control not to run down the hallway. 

Once she was in her room, all she wanted to do was shut the door, but she knew she couldn’t. Instead, she went over to the window and slid her back against the wall until she was on the floor, obscured by Theo’s bed.

_ Is Theodosia telling other people what I tell her? Do I have a right to be angry if she is? Why am I so angry? I’m never angry! _

“Eliza?” Theo called from the doorway.

Eliza dropped her head into her hands, as if that would hide her further. She prayed Theo wouldn’t come further into the room and spot her. Her prayers were not answered.

“Eliza?” Theo stood in front of her. “What’s going on?”

Eliza couldn’t look at Theo. She knew her face was red and she didn’t want Theo to see.  _ Don’t let her see you like this. Don’t let her see you upset. Don’t let her see you angry.  _

“Eliza? You’re kind of freaking me out?”

“Do you tell everyone my secrets?” she said softly, doing everything she could to keep her anger from her voice.

“What are you talking about?” Theo plopped down next to Eliza.

“Mercy… Why’d you tell her what I’m here for? When did you even talk to her?”

_ Why do I care if Theo talked to Mercy?  _

“I… Shit, I may have mentioned it, but not in, like, a divulge all your secrets way!” Theo sounded desperate. Normal Eliza would have accepted that and forgiven her. So why couldn’t she now?

“You don’t get to go around telling everyone my personal stuff,” Eliza said. She looked up at Theo. “You just…” Eliza shook her head. 

“I’m sorry,” Theo said. “But Eliza, we’re in a hospital together. None of us are okay. We’re here to support each other. Like… this is probably the one place where we’ll face the least judgement of our lives.” 

“But I’m, I’m––” Tears welled up in Eliza’s eyes. “I’m not like you! My story isn’t yours!”

“What do you mean you’re not like me? You’re here for the same––”

“I’m different,” Eliza said. “I’m different!”

“You’re not, Eliza,” Theo said. “I mean sure, our circumstances aren’t exactly the same, but our struggles are.”

“I never tried to…” Eliza couldn’t look at Theo. A beat of silence fell between them.

“I know what you were going to say.” Theo sighed. “But do you ever let yourself think that if you hadn’t come here when you did, you would have?” 

Eliza squeezed her eyes shut.  _ No, no, no.  _ She did not want to remember. She did not want to remember the girl who’d made a list of pills. Who’d diligently stashed them away. Who had a plan. Who would have acted on it had not John Laurens found her notebook.

“Eliza?” 

She felt Theodosia shake her by her arms. 

“Yo-you’re right,” Eliza said, still trying to supress the sobs that wanted to rise out of her. “I would have.” She took a shaky breath. “But my friend h-he found my notebook…” 

She pictured John’s face when she’d returned to their spot outside; the tears running down his cheeks, the fear in his eyes. She remembered how her heart dropped, how she knew nothing would be the same after that. 

“I… I hurt him. I made him cry,” Eliza said. “And he… he told all of my secrets.”

“He saved your life,” Theo said.

Eliza glared at her. “I didn’t ask him to.”

“Yeah, I get it. But he did. Because he loves you.”

Eliza’s shoulder dropped. “I miss him. I feel horrible that I haven’t talk to him, or Alexander, or Laf, or Herc…” 

“It’s not too late to start.” Theo studied Eliza for a moment. “Are you angry with him?”

Eliza thought for a moment. A few seconds ago, she’d have said yes. But now? The anger had left her body. She wasn’t angry at John, she wasn’t angry at Theo… She wasn’t even angry at herself anymore.

“No,” she whispered.

“Eliza,” Theo whispered back. “I think you had a breakthrough.” She engulfed Eliza in a hug, and even though Eliza still wasn’t so sure about what was happening, she knew she was considerably less angry than she had been, and she knew she didn’t want Theodosia to stop hugging her. 

“I’m sorry,” Eliza said. “For being angry with you.”

Theo pulled back and looked at Eliza, her face scrunched up in confusion. “Why are you sorry? You’re allowed to feel angry, especially when I act stupid and overstep my boundaries.”

“Okay,” Eliza whispered. 

Theo pulled her in for another hug. “Every emotion,” she said. “In moderation.”

Eliza couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“It’s true!” Theo defended. 

“It is, it is,” Eliza agreed, a smile back on her face. 

Theo took Eliza’s hand. “Wanna stay in here for a bit?”

“Please,” Eliza said. There was nowhere else she’d rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this chapter, specifically what Theo says to Eliza while they're in her room, was inspired by Dear Evan Hansen.
> 
> I'm sorry I was gone for so long! At the beginning of November I fell into the most severe depression of my life, induced by a medication I was on (to try and get rid of the depression, whoops). There were days where I could barely walk. I thought it would never get better, but it slowly did. I knew that coming back to writing would be one of the final steps of getting better from this episode, and I feel so fortunate that I still have readers to come back to. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience, and for sticking with me. For anyone going through something similar, please know it gets better. Please know you will get there. <333


	17. Day Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussion of previous suicidal thoughts. Be safe, bbys! <333

****_Monday, Day Sixteen_  
  


_Day Sixteen, 11:30 AM_  


Eliza sat on Dr. Wheatley’s blue couch and stared at the carpet. Dr. Wheatley didn’t say anything, but Eliza could feel the woman’s eyes on her. She stared more intently at the carpet, letting her eyes follow the golden border around and around.

“Eliza?” Dr. Wheatley said gently. “We could sit here in silence for an hour, or we could try and talk about whatever it is you don’t want to talk about.”

Eliza risked a glance up at Dr. Wheatley. The concern on her face made Eliza feel guilty for her silence.

“Theodosia said I had a breakthrough.”

Dr. Wheatley quirked an eyebrow. “Oh? And what was that?”

“I… was angry?” Eliza laughed nervously. “I never feel angry.”

“What were you angry about?”

“Theo told someone something I didn’t want her to… I mean, she didn’t do it to be malicious, it was an honest mistake, but I just…” Eliza shrugged. “Cracked. It’s like everything I’d been avoiding appeared in my mind and I just…” She looked at Dr. Wheatley helplessly.

Dr. Wheatley nodded. “When you’ve been repressing your emotions that can happen. One little thing that you would normally brush off, or not get so angry over, becomes a big thing, and then all those other things you’ve been storing in that back of your mind for all these years? They come tumbling out.”

Eliza fidgeted on the couch. “How do I get them to go back?”

“Do you really want them to go back?” Dr. Wheatley’s eyes were trained on Eliza as if she already knew the answer.

“I…” _It felt so nice to let go of that anger I’d been feeling without even realizing it. I don’t want it back, I don’t want it back in my mind, filling me up with its toxicity._ “I don’t,” Eliza said. “I want to be free of them.”

“I think that once you are, you’re going to feel a lot better,” Dr. Wheatley agreed.

“So how do I get rid of them?”

Dr. Wheatley smiled sympathetically at Eliza, who felt her heart fall. _You can’t. You can never get rid of me. Don’t you see that, you fool?_

“It’s going to take some time, and a lot of hard work, but if you keep talking about the things you’ve been ignoring, they’ll slowly lose their power.” Dr. Wheatley scribbled something on her notepad. “So let’s start with what you let go of yesterday.”

Eliza felt her face begin to burn red again at the memory of yesterday. _Yelling at Theo, thinking of John, my plan, my notebook… Theo holding my hand––_ She pushed the last thought from her mind. “I told Theodosia that I’m different from her and Mercy,” Eliza said. “And she said I wasn’t. I got really angry, but then Theo said something, and I realized she was right.”

“What did she say?”

“She asked if I would have…” Eliza stared down at her lap. “Gone through with… with killing myself if I could have. And I realized for the first time that I would have, that I’m not so different from her or Mercy or anyone else here. That I would have––” Eliza choked on her words as tears began to form in her eyes.

“That’s a big thing to realize,” Dr. Wheatley said gently as she handed Eliza a tissue.

“And I realized I’d blamed John for… for being here, when really, it wasn’t his fault. It’s nobody’s fault. I just… I’m where I need to be, even if I don’t want to be here.” Eliza dried her eyes. “And I feel so guilty for not talking to John yet. He must feel… He must worry, and I’ve done nothing to reach out to him.”

“You can change that if you’d like,” Dr. Wheatley said. “How would you feel about writing him a letter?”

Eliza nodded and finally lifted her head, looking Dr. Wheatley in the eyes. “I think that’s exactly what I need to do.”

  


_Day Sixteen, 3:00 PM_

Eliza sat at the desk in her room, loose leaf in front of her.

_Dear John,_

_Hi, it’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope you’re doing okay. I also hope you know that I don’t blame you for anything. If you hadn’t found my notebook, if you hadn’t done something, I don’t think I’d be here. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be here, in this place, but I want to be here, on this earth, with you, with my family, with our other friends._

_I’m slowly getting better, even if some days it doesn’t feel like it. If you and our other friends ever want to visit, I want you to know you can. You don’t have to, though! Just know that I miss you, and that I can’t wait to see you again. If you want, we can write to each other. I’d love to know how you’re doing._

_All my love,_

_Eliza <3 _

Eliza read over the letter and sighed. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do. She grabbed another piece of loose leaf.

_Dear Alexander,_

_Where do I even begin? This place makes me miss group so much! It’s not that bad, actually, but I’d rather be home. In here, I have no choice but to face everything that’s been haunting me. It’s all I do every single day, and it’s exhausting. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here, but while I am, maybe we could write to each other? I feel like you and I understand each other in a way that everyone else around us doesn’t. I hope it’s not just me and that you feel the same way._

_How are you? How is life at the Washington residence? Please tell Laf I say hi, and not to be mad that I didn’t write him. Give Herc my love, too._

_I miss you._

_All my love,_

_Eliza <3 _

  


_Day Sixteen, 8:30 PM_  

Everyone else was in the common room. Nancy, Prudence, and Emily were piled together under blankets on the couch, Lydia was looking at them in wonder, Deborah and Molly were engaged in some card game, Lizzy was drawing, Paul and Aaron were watching TV, Mercy was sulking… But Theodosia and Eliza were at the nurse’s station.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Theo asked.

Eliza nodded. “Yes. I need to. I want to.”

Theo smiled and gave her two thumbs up. “You got this, girl!”

Eliza dialed the number she knew by heart and waited, her heart suspended in midair, as it rang once, twice, three times–– “Hello?” Tears welled in Eliza’s eyes upon hearing that familiar voice. “Hello?” the voice said again.

“Angelica,” Eliza whispered into the receiver.

“Eliza!” Angelica practically screamed. “Oh my god, it’s really you?”

“Yes,” Eliza said, smiling as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Oh my god, how I’ve missed you. You have no idea!”

“I think I do,” Eliza said with a laugh. “Because I’ve missed you like crazy.”

“I wish I could hug you right now. Wow, you know, every time I called, I had stuff ready to say, but… You caught me off guard.”

“I caught the ever witty Angelica Schuyler off guard?” Eliza said with a gasp.

“Don’t get used to it,” Angelica laughed. “Eliza,” her voice serious again, “I… I love you so much. And when I think about––” Angelica hiccuped into the receiver, and Eliza felt her eyes well up with tears all over again. She barely noticed that Theodosia was dotting away her tears as they fell with a tissue.

“I’m here, Angie, I’m here,” Eliza said.

“I’ve been praying, Eliza,” Angelica said, her voice thick with tears. “And you know me. I’m not religious. But I need you to know that losing you would be unbearable. And maybe it’s selfish of me to say, but––” Angelica choked again.

“I’ll never do that to you, Angie,” Eliza said. “I promise I won’t.”

The other line was quiet for a moment. “You promise? You mean it?”

“I do,” Eliza said. “I really do.”

“You know, I couldn’t stop thinking about that day, when we went out for coffee, and you insisted you were fine.”

Eliza cringed.

“And I can’t help but think that I should have noticed. I know you said you were fine, but I’m your older sister. I should have known. I should have seen through your bullshit.”

“Ang, this isn’t your fault. I didn’t want you to know. I don’t blame you one bit.”

“Can I visit you?”

“Please,” Eliza said.

“Okay! I’ll be there. I get home from school this Saturday. So I’ll be there with Mom and Dad.”

“Okay.” Eliza sighed. “I miss you. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I miss you, too. I’ll see you really soon, Eliza.”

“I love you, Angie.”

“I love you too.”  


***  


That night, as she was falling asleep, Eliza felt something she hadn’t in a long time. Her muscles weren’t so tense, her mind wasn’t racing. She was able to close her eyes and not see John’s face when she found him with the notebook, or her parents’ faces after that meeting with the school counselor. Instead she saw her sisters. She saw herself with her sisters. For the first time in a long time, she slept in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eliza finally calling Angelica gave me life this week, and I hope it does the same for you <333
> 
> Your comments and kudos make my day! Thank you for reading my story! <333


	18. Day Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm mention!!! Your well-being is more important than a fic! <333

****_Tuesday, Day Seventeen_  


Day Seventeen, 4:45 AM

Eliza sat up with a jolt and looked around the bedroom she and Theodosia shared. Something had jarred her from her sleep, and it wasn’t a dream, for once. She wasn’t so sure what it was… She squinted at Theo’s bed. She wasn’t there.

Eliza felt like she was in a dream as she rose from bed, her bare feet hitting the cool tiled floor. She crept around their room, looking under their desks to see if Theo was hiding there. She looked behind Theo’s bed, but she wasn’t there, either.

 _Maybe she went to the bathroom,_ Eliza thought. _There’s no reason to panic._ But something felt _wrong._ And Eliza knew nobody was going to come check on them–– she’d been taken off suicide watch a few days ago. Theo knew this, too.

Eliza turned, suddenly remembering there was a closet in their room. It was small, and she wasn’t so sure a person could comfortably fit in there with the shelving, but it was the last place to check before she alerted the staff that Theo was missing.

She pulled it open to find Theodosia glaring up at her.

“Why are you awake?” Theo said.

“Why are you in the closet?” Eliza whispered.

“It’s none of your business,” Theo said. There was an edge to her voice Eliza had never heard before. She didn’t like it.

Eliza knelt down next to Theo. “Theo, you’re scaring me.”

“Then go hide under the covers,” she spat.

Eliza couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “You know that’s not how I meant it.” She sat firmly on the floor. “You were there for me the other day. I’m going to do the same for you.”

“I don’t want you to!”

“Well, I didn’t want you to, either.” A beat of silence passed between them. Eliza swore she saw some of the tension creep out of Theo’s face. “So…”

Theo sighed. “Well, I couldn’t sleep, first of all. And when I did, I had bad dreams. Really vivid bad dreams, because the medication makes all my dreams really intense, good or bad.”

Eliza nodded.

“And I just felt so… helpless.” Theo dropped her head into her hands. “It feels like nothing’s working. And the one thing that did work, they took away.”

Eliza scrunched her face in confusion. “Why would they take it away?”

“Because it’s _maladaptive_ ,” Theo said. “A bad coping technique, self destructive…” she sighed.

“I…” Eliza wasn’t sure what Theo meant.

“Really?” Theo groaned upon seeing the confusion on Eliza’s face. “I… I hurt myself.”

“Oh,” Eliza said. “ _Oh_.”

“Yeah,” Theo said with a dark laugh. She clamped her hands over her mouth. “Shit, I shouldn’t be so loud, they’ll come in here…”

The girls were quiet for a moment, but nobody shined a light in their room.

“I know it sounds stupid, like, why would I do that in the first place? And why can’t I just stop? I wish I had answers. I wish I could clearly explain it to you, to Dr. Wheatley, to myself…” She shook her head. “All I can say is that it took away the pain I don’t understand. It took away the tension, quieted the bad thoughts, comforted me in some twisted way… And somewhere along the way, I became addicted. Or at least that’s what Dr. Wheatley says.” Theo rolled her eyes. “She says it rewired my brain or something like that. I still think I could stop if I really wanted to, but I don’t want to. At least not now–– not when I still need it.”

Eliza stared at Theo. All she wanted to do was hug her as tightly as possible and squeeze all the hurt and pain out of her. _If I could take her pain on as my own, I would._

“I understand if you think I’m a freak,” Theo said softly.

Eliza stifled a laugh. “Are you serious? You yourself said this is where we’ll face the least judgement in our lives! Of course I understand, Theo, and of course I don’t think you’re a freak. I could never.” _I think you’re the opposite of a freak… I think you’re the best person to walk this earth._

“Thanks, Liza. I’m lucky to have you.”

“I still don’t understand one thing, though,” Eliza said. “Why are you in the closet?”

Theo smiled. “It feels like my own little room. We have so little privacy here, and being truly alone helps me think. I’m lucky I’m short, so I can fit under the shelving.”

Eliza tried to hide a yawn, but Theo noticed. “Oh man, you should go back to bed! It must be so… late? Early? Just not a time a human should be up at?”

Eliza giggled. “Only if you go back to bed, too.”

Theo nodded. “Talking with you really helped. Thank you for that.” Something like fear fell over her face. Even though she masked it nearly as quickly as it appeared, Eliza noticed, and she was done pretending she didn’t.

“What’s wrong?” She held her breath, unsure if Theo would actually keep opening up to her…

“I… I don’t want to be alone,” she said softly.

Eliza thought for a moment. “Hey, come here.” She held out her hand. Theo hesitated for a moment, but eventually took it. A jolt of electricity flooded Eliza’s body when their hands touched…

Eliza led Theo to their beds, then climbed onto her own, patting the mattress. “Stay with me for the rest of the night.”

She could tell Theo was unsure, but she was also exhausted. “Are you sure?”

Eliza nodded and smiled at Theo. “Of course.”

That was all it took. Soon Theo was nestled next to Eliza, and both girls began to drift off. On the edge of unconsciousness, Eliza felt Theo slip her hand into hers.

Eliza fell asleep with a smile on her face.

 

_Day Seventeen, 6:00 PM_

Dinner was underway, and not going at all as planned. Theo pushed her food around, claiming her stomach was upset from the medication increase. Mercy, who had recently joined their table, was etching different swear words into her mashed potatoes. Deborah, for once, was quiet, and Molly, for once, wasn’t saying anything snarky.

A table over, Aaron Burr sat with Paul and Lydia. Lydia was softly crying. Ms. Shippen sat next to her, talking to her a quiet, calm voice. Eliza was so distracted by the going-ons at her own table that she nearly missed it. Out of corner of her eye, she saw Aaron eat off his plate for the first time since she’d arrived there. It seemed everyone else was clueless, but Eliza saw. She smiled to herself, wishing she could hug Aaron in that moment.  
  
_Maybe we’re all getting better_ , _even if it’s a slow process,_ she thought. _Maybe we can all be free of these demons someday._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this week's chapter is kinda short! But yay for the progress they all made this week, right?! :') Also I was projecting so hard onto Theo this week... sorry Theo!
> 
> Comments and kudos literally make my day <333 Thank you for reading my fic!!


	19. Day Eighteen

******_Wednesday, Day Eighteen  
_**

 _Day Eighteen, 10:00 AM_  
  


“Okay, everyone,” Ms. Shippen clapped her hands to bring the group’s attention back to her. “We have some good news today.” She looked at Paul, then Molly. “Who wants to go first?”

Molly raised her hand, a grin on her face. “I’m getting sprung!”

Ms. Shippen sighed in exasperation, but the rest of the group laughed and cheered, Deborah whooping the loudest.

“Yeah, what she said,” Paul laughed nervously, his face turning red.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Deborah grabbed Molly’s arm. “What am I gonna do without you?”

“Relax, you got two days left with yours truly,” Molly said. “And I’m gonna call you, like, every day.”

“How long are you still here for, Paul?” Deborah asked.

“I leave tomorrow.” He smiled sheepishly.

“My crew is leaving!” Deborah wailed.

“We’re going to have a going away celebration for Paul and Molly,” Ms. Shippen said. “It’ll be tonight, after dinner. We’re also opening up the art room today if anyone wants to make either of them a card.”

“ _Hell yes_ ,” Deborah whispered. She was still clinging to Molly’s arm. Molly didn’t seem to mind.

“Nabby will be in the art room from 10:30 until 12:30, so when you’re not otherwise occupied, feel free to head down there.”

Deborah was about to leap out of her chair when Ms. Shippen held a hand up. “Not so fast! We have a half hour of group left.”

Everyone groaned.

“As we have two members of our group who are about to leave, I thought talking about continuing recovery outside of here would be an appropriate topic.” When no one volunteered, Ms. Shippen sighed. “Does anyone want to go first, or will I have to pick someone?”

“Fine, fine,” Molly muttered. “Well, we have to continue therapy.”

“Good, that’s true, and key to staying on track in recovery.”

Emily raised her hand. “W-we need to l-lean on our s-support system.”

“Excellent,” Ms. Shippen said with her signature tight smile.

Prudence piped up. “What if––”

“––your mom’s a stone cold bitch?” Nancy finished for her.

Prudence glared at her. “Yes. What if our support system sucks?”

“Well, is it all bad?” Ms. Shippen asked gently.

Prudence looked taken aback for a moment. “What do you mean?”

“A few days ago, you talked about your father. Will he be supportive?”

Prudence was silent. Just when it seemed like she’d never speak, she quietly said “Yes, he is.”

“And your sister?”

“...I guess so.”

“You’re focusing on someone who is incapable of supporting you,” Ms. Shippen said. “Of course that’s going to make you feel bad and lonely.” She looked around at the rest of the group. “This goes for everyone. I know it can be hard when someone we desperately want on our support team just isn’t there, but you can and you will recover without them.” Suddenly a smile lit up her face–– they knew what that meant. “Let’s do an affirmation.”

Everyone groaned.

“Repeat after me: I can and I will recover.”

“I can and I will recover,” everyone mumbled.

“Like you mean it,” she said, raising a brow at the group.

“I can and I will recover!” Deborah shouted.

“I can and I will recover,” the rest of the group said with more enthusiasm. There were still a few dismissive laughs afterward.

“Good, good,” Ms. Shippen said. “Now, let’s continue…”  


_Day Eighteen, 12:00 PM_  
  


Eliza sat on the couch in Dr. Wheatley’s office, refusing to make eye contact with her.

“Eliza, something is clearly bothering you,” Dr. Wheatley said, voice as gentle as ever. “What is it?”

Eliza sighed. It wasn’t that she was afraid to ask–– she was afraid of the answer. “Well… Molly and Paul they’re… leaving…” She glanced up at Dr. Wheatley quickly before staring down at her sweaty hands again. “And it made me wonder… When do I get to go home?”

“That’s a perfectly reasonable question,” Dr. Wheatley said. “You’ve made a lot of progress, Eliza. And right now I need you to be honest with me.” She leaned forward, her eyes locked on Eliza’s. “Have your suicidal urges decreased?”

“Yes,” Eliza said without hesitation. She remembered what she’d promised Angie on the phone. She had meant it.

Dr. Wheatley smiled. “That’s what I thought, but I needed to hear you say it. You’ve been doing a lot of hard work here, and it’ll have to continue when you leave. But I believe you’ll be discharged within the next seven days.”

Eliza’s heart leapt into her throat. _Seven days. Or less. Seven days and I can be home. Home…_

“What’re you feeling right now?” Dr. Wheatley asked gently.

_Home… Where I’ll be reminded of before, where my parents will treat me like porcelain, where I’ll see my siblings and be constantly reminded of the one who isn’t there…_

“Afraid,” Eliza said.

“Of what?”

“Of it being like before. Of not being able to handle… life.”

“Are you in the same place right now that you were in when you arrived here?” Dr. Wheatley said.

“N-no,” Eliza said, a smile working its way onto her face.

“While going home may change your mood, at least temporarily as your readjust, it won’t erase everything you’ve done here. You’re not going to go back to how you felt before just because you’re back there, especially because now you have the tools and support you need for when you’re feeling depressed.”

Eliza thought over Dr. Wheatley’s words for a moment. She was right–– Eliza _was_ in a completely different place from when she arrived. Her family was well aware of her mental illness, and they would support her in every way they could.

She just had to accept that support. She knew, without a doubt, that that would be the hardest aspect of returning home. But she also knew she was ready to face it.  


_Day Eighteen, 8:00 PM_

  
Everyone was gathered in the Common Area. There was excited chatter in the air, but Eliza also sensed some anxiety. Molly was surrounded by their friends, enjoying being the center of their attention. Eliza scanned the room for Paul. She nearly missed him–– he was in the corner sitting with Aaron, and his eyes looked red and puffy.

Even though she didn’t know him well, she found herself walking toward him. She’d always liked Paul, and Aaron was her friend, so it wouldn’t be too strange… _Like he wants to talk to you!_ She nearly turned back, but she saw Aaron’s eyes light up when he realized she was headed their way. Now she _had_ to.

“H-hey guys,” she said, leaning against the wall next to them. They were near the shelf the games were stored on–– the most isolated part of the large, welcoming room.

Aaron nodded, a smile twitching across his lips for just a second.

“Hey,” Paul said, his voice thick. He’d definitely been crying.

“Are you okay?” If Eliza had learned anything in the past few weeks, it was that in here she could skip the small talk.

Paul shook his head, a sad laugh escaping him. “I’m, uh, anxious, you know? All I wanted when I first got here was to leave, but now… Now it’s familiar, and, well, I feel safe here. I want to go home, see my friends, my girlfriend, but I’m scared.”

“I totally get that,” Eliza said. “I feel the same way about leaving.”

“Really?” Relief flooded Paul’s face. “Oh man, I thought I was being, well… I thought everyone would hate me, since I’m leaving, like we all want to, and I’m… hesitant.”

“I have a feeling everyone would understand,” Eliza said. She looked to Aaron for help.

Aaron nodded. He opened and closed his mouth, then cleared his throat. His voice was raspy, but it was there. “I agree.” He stared at his feet as he spoke. “I know I understand.”

Paul broke out into a smile. “Man, every time I hear your words, I’m so happy.”

Aaron smiled at Paul. “Talk less, smile more.”

Eliza looked between the two of them in confusion.

“That’s Aaron’s motto,” Paul explained. “I was against it at first, but now I get it. Every time he speaks, his words are so valuable.”

Aaron, clearly uncomfortable with the attention, cleared his throat again. “I’ll miss you,” he said to Paul.

“I’m gonna miss you, too,” Paul said. He opened his arms to Aaron, who, after a moment of hesitation, hugged Paul quickly, but tightly.

“Thank you,” Paul said, turning to Eliza. “For coming over here and talking to me. I feel better.”

“Of course,” Eliza said.

“Okay, everyone!” Ms. Shippen called from the center of the room. Everyone gathered around her. “We’re here to celebrate Paul and Molly entering the next phase of their recovery.”

“WOOHOO!” Deborah hollered.

Ms. Shippen gave Deborah her signature tight smile. “I thought we could go around the room and talk about some memories we have with Paul and Molly.”

Deborah’s hand shot up first. “I remember when Molly arrived. I’d just gotten here, too, like the day before, and I was feeling really lonely. Even though she was newer than me, she came right up to me, here, in the Common Area, and threw her arm over my shoulder.” Deborah chuckled at the recollection. “In her Molly-esque fashion she said ‘So, whatcha in for?’ And we’ve just… we’ve been friends ever since.”

Molly lightly punched Deborah in the arm, but Eliza could tell what Deborah had said had affected her. Molly’s eyes glistened, and she sniffled a bit.

Theo raised her hand. “I remember being in the same group as Paul for music therapy. He totally rocked that recorder!” Everyone laughed.

Surprisingly, Prudence raised her hand next. “I, um, I remember when Molly brought in the soldiers. She… Well, she took something that’d been a negative in her life, and she made it something so positive. Not just for her, but for all of us.” Prudence looked up a Molly, whose mouth hung open in shock. “And I really appreciated that.”

Silence descended upon the group for a moment until Nancy spoke up. “I don’t know about y’all, but I remember Paul  getting deep when we did the chalk-rock exercise.” She turned to Paul. “You said your illness took your family away, but now you get to go back to them. And I hope you know you gained a family here, as well.”

“Damn, Nancy,” Paul whispered, quickly wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “You’re making me cry.”

“Every feeling,” Molly said. “In moderation.”

Eliza hated speaking in front of everyone, but she just had to say something. Molly had been her friend for her entire time there, and, despite her crass ways, she’d impacted Eliza for the better. Eliza raised a shaky hand.

“Molly was the first person _ever_ to just… talk about mental illness like you might talk about the weather.” Everyone laughed and nodded their heads at that. “At first I didn’t know how to handle her, uh, forwardness––”

“Wow, you put that much more nicely than I could have!” Deborah guffawed.

“––but once I got past the shock, I found that by her saying things bluntly, there was a certain truth to her words. And that’s helped me a lot.” Eliza looked at Molly. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too,” Molly said, tears freely flowing down her face. “And everyone here! Even you newbies,” she said, motioning to Lydia and Mercy. “We’re a family.”

“Hell yeah we are,” Nancy said.

“Here here!” Deborah cheered.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur of cake and laughter. By the time they had to head off to bed, everyone–– even Mercy–– had smiles on their faces. They all hugged Paul goodbye, since he was leaving before breakfast the next morning.

“Bye, Paul,” Eliza said as she hugged him. “I hope things keep looking up. You sure deserve it.”

“Thanks, Eliza,” he said. He clasped her shoulder for a moment. “You’re gonna get here, too. Just you wait.”

A few days ago, Eliza would have found his words to be empty. But now? Now she actually believed them, and it felt so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so proud of my bbys! They're all working so hard to recover :')
> 
> I honestly can't wait for next week's chapter....... Something that's been a long time coming happens in it.... That's all I'll say ;)))
> 
> <3333333


	20. Day Nineteen

**_Thursday, Day Nineteen_ **  

_  
Day Nineteen, 12:00 PM _

  
Eliza sat on the edge of her bed, lacing up her mud-splattered sneakers. Dr. Wheatley had sent her a note via Nabby, asking her to gear up for another hike. Just as she was about to jump off her bed, Theo burst into the room, her eyes red, tears streaking down her face.

“I hate her!” she shouted.

“Who?” Eliza asked even though she was pretty sure she already knew.

“Dr. Wheatley!” Theo said. She threw herself onto her bed, but didn’t stay there for long. She sprang back up, hugging a pillow close to her chest as she paced the room.

Eliza remained quiet. She felt like the less she said, the more likely Theo was to talk. _I want to hear her thoughts, even when she’s upset._

“She’s making me face all these things that I’ve spent so long forgetting,” Theo said. “I mean I have put _effort_ into repressing these memories and thoughts and she just sits there and asks me to relive them and then everyone’s shocked I’m not less depressed yet?!” Theo slammed the pillow onto her bed.

“Theo––”

“I’m tired of remembering!” Theo sank onto her bed, the energy seemingly draining out of her with her words. “I’m tired of medications, of trying new ones all the time, of the side effects, of being–– being like _this_.”

“Theo,” Eliza slowly moved toward her friend. She opened her mouth to say more, but nothing came out.

_There are moments when the words don’t reach…_

She climbed onto Theo’s bed and wrapped her arms around her. Theo turned and cried into Eliza’s shoulder.

_There is suffering too terrible to name…_

Eliza ran a hand through Theo’s hair and rocked her back and forth.

_We push away what we can never understand…_

Theo began to quiet, a hiccup escaping her now and then. She was heavy in Eliza’s arms. Eliza hugged her even more closely than before.

_We learn to live with the unimaginable…_

And then a realization dawned on Eliza. Theodosia _wasn’t_ secretive around her. Her form of being open was just different from what Eliza thought of as openness. Eliza wanted late night talks and deep conversations about everything that’d brought them here, but Theo didn’t. Not because she was hiding anything, but because that wasn’t who she was. Right now, this was her being vulnerable. This was her opening up to Eliza.  

Eliza kissed the crown of Theo’s head.

Theo turned her head up to look at Eliza. “Why are you so nice to me?”

Eliza was speechless. What could she say? That she was nice because Theo only deserved niceness and happiness and Eliza wanted to be the one to give that to her? Or that Theo was worthy of niceness and she should recognize that? Or––

“I love you.” The words left Eliza’s mouth before she could stop herself. As soon as she said it, she knew it to be true.

_How did I come to love someone in only nineteen days?_

Instead of her usual smirk, Theo seemed at a loss for words. Eliza was about to retract it, or at least backpedal enough so it didn’t sound so, so––

But then Theo was kissing her, and her worries faded away. Theo was kissing her, and everything was as it should be.   


_Day Nineteen, 1:30 PM_  


Eliza was out of breath by the time she and Dr. Wheatley stopped at a wooden bench. “How far did we go?” Eliza asked.

“Hmm? Oh, about a mile, but quickly,” Dr. Wheatley said with a grin. “Isn’t the burn in your legs lovely?”

Eliza nodded. It truly was. She thought about Angelica and Peggy, and how they pretty much scoffed at most outdoors activities. She knew Angie had a gym membership, but she also knew that was at least _partially_ so she could scope out hot guys… Peggy would much rather hide in her room on the internet all day. Eliza was the only one out of her sisters who actually enjoyed hiking and exploring the lands that surrounded their family home. She thought of the Cohoes Falls, which she’d climbed once, much to the chargin of her friends.

“What were you thinking of on the hike?” Dr. Wheatley asked, breaking Eliza’s train of thought.

All Eliza had been able to think about was Theodosia, and how kissing her felt. But she had a feeling she shouldn’t say that to Dr. Wheatley. So she jumped onto the first thought that _wasn’t_ Theodosia.

“School. How I left…” Eliza looked down at her shoes.

“You’re talking about the boarding school you went to with your sisters?”

Eliza nodded. “I failed. Angelica, she graduated, and with honors. And Peggy’s still there, doing well, or mostly well, academically, and even better socially.” Eliza felt her face begin to burn. “But me? I failed.”

“I want to challenge you to look at what happened in a different light,” Dr. Wheatley said. “First of all, are you your sisters?”

Eliza frowned. “Well, no, of course not.”

“Do you _want_ to be your sisters?”

Eliza thought for a moment. A week ago, she would have said yes. She would have agreed to be _anyone_ but herself. But now? “No,” she said. “I guess not.”

Dr. Wheatley smiled. “So if you’re not your sisters, and you have no desire to be them, why does it matter that you take different paths in life?”

“But I failed! I dropped out,” Eliza said.

“You were depressed and unhappy where you were, so yes, you left, and you entered into a situation that you like better, right?”

Eliza did love being with her family. She loved seeing her parents every day, being in her room, in her own bed, playing with her younger siblings…

“I guess that’s true,” she admitted.

“So why is that a failure?”

“Well…” Eliza found she was speechless. When Dr. Wheatley phrased it that way, there was no way Eliza could view it as a failure.

 _I’m different from Angelica and Peggy. Our stories are different, so our paths are different._  

“You got me there,” Eliza said with a laugh.

“Just think on it,” Dr. Wheatley said, a chuckle escaping her. She stood up and offered a hand to Eliza. “Now come on, we’ve got a good walk ahead of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)))


	21. Day Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Molly Corbin's going ho-o-ome......

**_Friday, Day Twenty_ **

 

_ Day Twenty, 8:30 AM  _

 

“I can’t believe this is my last meal here,” Molly said around a mouthful of pancake. 

“I wish it were mine,” Prudence muttered from the other table. 

Nancy swatted her hand. “Our day will come,” she said. She turned and smiled at Molly. “I’m happy for you, girlie. I’m gonna miss you, though.”

“Damn, I’m gonna miss you guys so much,” Molly said, looking around at everyone. 

“But you’re gonna miss me most of all, right?” Deborah batted her eyes at Molly. 

“Of course!” Molly laughed. 

They passed the rest of breakfast chatting, trying to pretend everything was normal, but Molly’s departure hung over all their heads like a persistent grey cloud, threatening them with the potential of rain at any moment. 

That moment came when breakfast ended. 

Nabby entered the room and grinned at Molly. “Your mom is here, Molly,” she said. “You’re all packed, right?”

Molly stood. “Yeah! Everything’s packed in my room.” She turned to Deborah. “Can you help me bring my stuff to the door?” 

“Of course,” Deborah said. Eliza could tell she was trying not to cry. 

Even though they should have been starting group, Ms. Shippen allowed everyone to follow Molly and Deborah as they grabbed Molly’s bags and headed to the lobby. Dr. Wheatley had stepped out of her office, and was standing in the lobby, chatting with a woman who had the same brown hair as Molly, just shorter. The woman’s face glowed when Molly came into view. 

“There she is!” She held her arms open and hugged her daughter tightly. Once she let go, Molly turned to face everyone. 

Deborah had taken Eliza and Theo’s hands at some point. Emily hovered just behind them, sniffling ever so quietly. 

“Well, I can’t believe it, but I’m leaving; going back to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.” She tried to be light, but for once, she faltered. “Um, thank you for… for everything.” She turned to Dr. Wheatley. “Thank you for believing in me.” She turned to Ms. Shippen. “Thank you for putting up with me in group,” she said with a wink. “And Nabby, thanks for being so kind. I know I wasn’t always easy, but you made me feel… well, loved, so thank you.” 

She faced the other kids. “I already said my goodbyes to you lot, so uh––” She was cut off by Deborah launching herself at her. Theo followed, pulling Eliza along with her. Soon the entire group surrounded Molly. 

“I love you guys,” Molly said from the middle of their group hug. “Keep being strong, okay?”

And then they let her go, most of them crying. 

“Call me,” Deborah commanded. 

“Duh!” Molly said. 

She and her mom picked up her bags. “Welp, here goes nothing.” She turned to the doors. “Outside world, look out! Molly Corbin is coming!” 

Deborah whooped as Molly stepped outside, and, for once, everyone else joined her. Molly’s delighted laughter trickled back in before the doors could slide shut. 

And then she was gone. 

  
  


_ Day Twenty, 10:30 AM _

 

Group was strange for two reasons: Molly was gone, and Theodosia’s presence overwhelmed Eliza even more than usual. Eliza sat next to Theo, just as she always did, and even though they weren’t touching, she swore she could feel the warmth of Theo’s skin radiating all around her. By the time she remembered where she was, she was just in time to hear Ms. Shippen announce their topic for the day.

“With that, let’s discuss what some societal stereotypes about mental illness are, how they affect us, and how we can work to uproot them from our own thoughts.”

Nancy’s hand went up right away. “When people talk about eating disorders, they only ever show super thin white girls. It actually took my family  _ forever  _ to realize what was going on with me because they just never thought I’d get an ED. Part of that is just that they aren’t too clued in to my life, but I think the lack of representation added to it.” Nancy shrugged. “I’d never heard about or seen anyone like me who has one.”

“That’s a good point, Nancy.” She looked around the room. “Can anyone else add to that?” Her eyes rested on Aaron. “Aaron,” she said gently. “What do you think?”

Aaron stared at his lap, lips unmoving. Just when Eliza swore Ms. Shippen was going to move on, his voice came through softly, but clearly. “Boys aren’t supposed to have eating disorders,” he said. He glanced up at the group. The corner of his mouth snarled upward in the slightest smirk ever. “So I guess I shouldn’t be here, then…” 

There was silence, then Nancy laughed. “Man, me either!” 

Everyone else joined in, getting over the shock of Aaron talking  _ and  _ making a joke. 

Deborah raised her hand after the laughter died down. “When it comes to having BPD like I do, most people either never heard of it or have heard only bad things about it. Heck, the first two therapists I tried to see wouldn’t treat me because they weren’t ‘equipt’ or some shit like that.” Deborah sighed. “All of it made me feel lonely, and even worse than I already did, and sometimes like I’d never find help.”

Nancy snapped her fingers, and even Prudence nodded in support.

Theo spoke next. “Everyone says happy girls aren’t–– can’t be–– depressed.” She grinned. “They don’t know how great we are at  _ acting  _ happy. After my second attempt, one of my friends said she didn’t believe I was really depressed because I never ‘acted like it.’” 

Theo glanced down, and Eliza swore she was hiding tears forming in her eyes. Oh, how Eliza wanted to reach out and take her hand, to comfort her… 

“She said my attempt was a ploy for attention. That’s what everyone thinks–– when you attempt, when you cut, everyone assumes it’s for attention, when instead it’s because you’re dying inside.” 

Everyone was silent for a moment.

Theo laughed, anxiety evident in her tone. “I, uh, didn’t mean to get so emotional––”

“Theo, we’re  _ here  _ to feel our feels,” Deborah said. “And you just did a hella good job at that.”

Theo gratefully smiled at Deborah.

“How can we let go of these stereotypes society has forced on us and continue healing?” Ms. Shippen asked.

Everyone was silent. Eliza could hear the ticking of the second hand on the wall clock. 

“Uh––” Eliza began to speak before she could second guess herself. “We can remind ourselves that stereotypes are, like, never true. And we can remember our time here, and how we validated each other, recognized each other’s struggles…” Eliza trailed off, her face blushing bright red.

“That is excellent,” Ms. Shippen said. She smiled at Eliza, and not with one of her tight smiles–– it was a full-out grin. “Just excellent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this week's chapter, kiddos! Stay strong! <333


	22. Day Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE I'm sorry I disappeared for so long! I hope you're all still interested in this story!!! Without any further to-do, here is the long-awaited next chapter of Eliza's Recovery!

**_Friday, Day Twenty-One_ **

****

_Day Twenty-One, 11:00 AM_

“I don’t believe in the concept of weeds,” Theo grumbled as she pulled yet another weed from her garden bed.

“Explain,” Deborah said, not looking up from her willow tree, whose leaves she was petting.

“Why are some plants undesirable? They’re all _plants_.” Theo huffed as she fell onto her butt from the force of pulling out a particular weed.

“If I was a plant, I’d be a weed,” Eliza said.

“That’s… depressing…” Deborah said.

Theo laughed. “Leave it to a depressed kid to say something depressing!”

Eliza flicked dirt at Theo’s face, and they both fell into a fit of giggles. Deborah rolled her eyes.

“Way to rub your love in my face, you guys,” she mumbled.

Both Eliza and Theo froze mid-throw, their eyes wide in shock. Deborah looked up from her tree and barked out a laugh.

“If you two thought _I_ wouldn’t know, then you’ve underestimated me!” She winked at them.

“Shut up!” Theo hissed. “It’s not exactly… public.”

“Theo,” Deborah said seriously, placing a hand on the other girl’s arm. “ _It’s okay to be gay_.”

“Oh my fucking god, Deborah, that’s not the problem! And by the way, I’m totally bi.” Theo glanced around as if she were checking to see if any attention had been drawn to them. “We don’t want anyone to know because this probably breaks like… the rules or something. And even if it doesn’t, then we’d have to talk about it in therapy and, uh, _no thank you._ ”

Deborah guffawed. “I got you there,” she said.

The girls continued their gardening in peace. Eliza decided there was nothing lovelier than being outside on a sunny day with your friends… and your girlfriend.

 

_Day Twenty-One, 1:00 PM_

 

“Well, Eliza, I have some good news for you,” Dr. Wheatley said as Eliza sat on the familiar blue couch. “A date has been set for your discharge.”

“Oh?” Eliza suddenly felt ill. _Why? Isn’t this what you’ve wanted since you got here?_

“This Monday,” Dr. Wheatley smiled. Her smile faltered as Eliza’s face paled. “What are you feeling?” she asked in a gentle, neutral tone.

“I…”

_This is all you’ve wanted and now you can’t even be happy about it. What the fuck is wrong with you?_

“Um… happy?”

Dr. Wheatley gave her a look. “Your facial expression and body language tell a completely different tale, Eliza.” She sighed. “It’s okay to have mixed feelings, or be sad, or angry, or… whatever it is you’re feeling.”

“I feel…” Eliza’s mind was blank. _For once I wish I had that list of emotions from the group Alexander and I went to…_

“I’m worried,” Eliza settled on, even though she knew it wasn’t exactly right. “About what comes after.”

“Well, it’s our recommendation that you attend individual therapy sessions three times a week when you first leave. You have a therapist at home, right?”

Eliza nodded.

“Keep seeing them. With your permission, I can send them all my notes, so you can pick up where we leave off.”

Eliza felt as if someone had wacked her in the gut. _I won’t be seeing Dr. Wheatley anymore._

“I think you would benefit from group therapy, as well. Community is important.”

“Right,” Eliza said. “I’ll miss everyone here.”

Dr. Wheatley smiled sadly at her. “That means you made some good friends, huh?”

“Yeah,” Eliza said. She forced her mind off of Theodosia, least she blush and face even _more_ questions from Dr. Wheatley. “I really have.”

“Try not to think of this as an end, but as a beginning,” Dr. Wheatley said. “When you leave here, you begin a new phase of your journey. And, Eliza,” she waited until Eliza was looking her directly in the eye, “I know you are going to thrive.”

 

_Day Twenty-One, 12:30 AM_

 

Eliza couldn’t sleep. It was the first time since her first night at Pine Manor that she couldn’t sleep. This time, it wasn’t memories of her fragile baby sister that kept her up, but her own thoughts.

_You’re leaving so soon. Theodosia has the same problems as you and she’s already been here for months. You were never actually sick. They just sent you here to indulge you. You’re a fake. Fake, fake, fake. Your problems aren’t even real. You didn’t even try to––_

Eliza sat up, hands covering her ears, even though that wouldn’t stop the voices. They were inside her. They spoke when they wanted, and for as long as they wanted.

_They’re throwing you out of here because they’ve finally seen through your act. You’ve done too well too soon. Clearly nothing was ever wrong. You just overreacted to things you should have been able to handle. You don’t belong here, and you never did._

“Stop,” Eliza whispered. “Please, just… stop.”

“Hmm?” Theo groggily lifted herself up and rubbed her eyes. She looked across the space that separated their beds at Eliza. “Are you… talking?”

“Sorry,” Eliza’s voice cracked on the word. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“What time is it? Have you even slept?”

“Just go back to sleep, I’m sorry.”

“Eliza,” Theo sat all the way up. Her eyes were much more alert. “Please, what’s going on?”

“I’m being discharged,” she whispered. Theo was silent. “Monday.”

Theo grinned at her. “That’s great news! I’m gonna miss you like hell, but I’m happy for you.”

Eliza looked down.

“Aren’t you happy?”

“I should be, right? But…” _Fake, fake, fake––_ “But I’m not. I’m…” _Theodosia actually has problems. You do not. You are fine, and you always were._ “I feel less valid,” she said, suddenly finding the word she’d wanted back in Dr. Wheatley’s office.

“How so?” Theo asked as she got out of her own bed and climbed onto Eliza’s. She took Eliza’s hands in her own, and for a moment the act so distracted her that Eliza forgot what she was even talking about.

“Uh, well, I’m leaving so soon,” she said. “I think… I think my problems weren’t real, or weren’t that bad, and––”

“Woah, _woah_ ,” Theo said. “I’m gonna stop you right there.”

Eliza looked down at their interlocked hands.

“Eliza, I need you to look at me.”

When she refused, Theo brought their clasped hands to Eliza’s chin and tilted it upward.

“You wanted to kill yourself, remember? You even realized you _would_ have killed yourself if your friend hadn’t intervened when he did.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter! I didn’t kill myself, and I improved so fast here. I feel like I just overreacted, or like my problems were never real.”

“You were so lifeless when you got here,” Theo said gently. “And I’ve watched you bloom again. Everyone recovers at different paces. And, hey, you’re not there yet,” Theo said with a laugh. “You’ve still got a lot of work to do.”

“Wow, thanks,” Eliza deadpanned.

“No, hey, you know what I mean. Your problems are and were real. They are and were bad. If you hadn’t come here, you might not be alive.” Theo squeezed her hands.

“But I’ve only been here for less than a month. You and Deborah and so many of the others have been here for so long.”

Theo smiled sadly at her. “So that’s where this is coming from, hey?” She sighed. “I’m still here because some of the medications I tried made everything worse. They won’t let me leave until I’m on one that clearly works, and medications take a long ass time to be effective, hence my extended stay.”

Theo clucked at her. “But even then, you can’t compare yourself to anyone else. Just because you’ve spent less time here than me or Deborah or Prudence doesn’t mean a thing.” Theo looked into Eliza’s eyes. “Do you believe me?”

_Fake, fake, fake._

“Honestly… no.” Eliza whispered. “But I’ll try to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deborah "It's Okay To Be Gay" Sampson
> 
> I know you guys have been super understanding in the past of me taking breaks, but I do apologize. I was having a rough time, and I've been so busy with school, internship, and work that I just didn't have the energy at the end of the day to write. But something struck me again and I just absolutely needed to write. I have almost the rest of this story finished, so expect it to post every Sunday until the end. If you read STCNTA, that will start posting again this Thursday.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. I can't put into words how much I appreciate it. I hope that if anything, my absences teach by example to put your own health first <333
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @undiscoveredstory or twitter @utterly_jessie 
> 
> I love you all so, so much!!! <333333


	23. Day Twenty-Two

**_Saturday, Day Twenty-Two_ **

 

_ Day Twenty-two, 9:00 AM _

 

“Fuck,” Prudence said from the next table over. “I cannot eat this. It has over 200 cal––” 

“Prudence,” Ms. Shippen warned from Aaron’s table. “We don’t talk numbers, remember?”

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Prudence said. She stared down at her dish. “All I want is to know how much I weigh.” 

Ms. Shippen pulled a chair up to the girl. “You know it’s not good to talk about this,” she said. “And that the less you do, the sooner it’ll stop haunting your every thought.”

Prudence bit her lip and nodded. “Yeah, whatever,” she said dully. 

“I-I un-understand,” Emily said. “I st-still think about it a lot, too.”

“Ditto,” Nancy said.

Eliza looked over at Aaron and saw him nodding. 

“Thanks,” Prudence said, smiling at her friends. “I appreciate the validation.” 

“We’re the validation station,” Nancy said. “Here to meet  _ all  _ of your validation needs.”

Prudence laughed, and suddenly the room felt less tense.

Eliza turned back to her own table. Theodosia was sullenly stabbing at some blueberries. She’d said it was the medication that took her hunger away, but Eliza wondered if it was really the depression. 

_ That never happened to you. You’re so fake. _

“I miss Molly,” Deborah sighed. She looked at Eliza, a sad smile on her face. “Remember when she asked you what’s wrong with you when you first got here?”

Eliza couldn’t help but laugh. “Her forwardness and… brashness… grew on me pretty quickly.” 

The rest of the meal passed in silence, all of them focusing on who was missing, or lost in their own world, like Theodosia.

__ Only three more mornings like this… Three more and then you’re cured.  
  


_ Day Twenty-two, 1:30 PM _

 

“So, Eliza,” Dr. Wheatley said after spending the first half hour of their session trying to extract more than a few words from the girl. “What is it that you aren’t telling me?”

Eliza sighed. She did not want to be in Dr. Wheatley’s office. She wanted to be… She wasn’t sure where she wanted to be, but she didn’t want to face her feelings. She glanced up at Dr. Wheatley, who was staring at her with her wide brown eyes. Eliza knew she had to say something.

“I feel like I’m… fake. Or I guess I feel like my problems aren’t as real as, like, Theo’s, for example.”

Dr. Wheatley furrowed her brow. “Why do you feel that way?”

“Because I’m leaving now.”  _ And Theo isn’t. _

“Do you feel like you’re ready?”

Eliza tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a cough. “No.”

Dr. Wheatley smiled. The way the skin around her eyes crinkled when she smiled made her entire face, her entire being, seem so warm. “Nobody ever feels ready.”

“How do you know I am, then?” 

Dr. Wheatley shifted in her armchair. “There’s a few things we consider. I can go through it with you, if you’d like.”

Eliza sighed and shook her head. “I just feel like maybe I never belonged here in the first place.” 

“Eliza,” Dr. Wheatley said, her voice more serious that Eliza was accustomed to. “Are you the same girl who sat on that couch nearly a month ago?” 

Eliza considered who she’d been a month ago. She remembered how withdrawn she’d been–– how she’d sat on the very same couch, her posture entirely different, as if she’d been toppling in on herself, desperately trying to hide from someone, from something… 

“No,” she said. “I am not the same person.”

“How would you describe the girl who first walked in here all those days ago?”

“Withdrawn, depressed, suicidal, hopeless… I––” Eliza felt tears pricking at her eyes. “I wanted to disappear so badly.”

“How would you describe yourself now?” Dr. Wheatley asked gently. 

“I have hope again.” Eliza hadn’t realized it until she’d spoken the words, but it was true. “I want to  _ want  _ to be alive. I care about things again. I still feel depressed, but it’s not as… all-consuming."

“So you do see what I see,” Dr. Wheatley said.

“But how do I know I’m ready?” The tears that had been forming in Eliza’s eyes began to trickle down her face. “I’m in a better place, but is it good enough?”

“You won’t be alone, Eliza.” Dr. Wheatley leaned forward. Eliza wanted to reach across the space between them and hug her, but she remained seated. “You will have a support system. I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but I can promise that I have no doubt that you are ready to leave.”

Dr. Wheatley handed Eliza a tissue. For some reason, that only made Eliza cry harder.

“And, just to come back to what you said earlier–– I don’t want you to compare your recovery to anyone else’s. You are not the same as anyone else. What is right for Theo may not be right for you, and that has nothing to do with the severity of your illness.” 

Eliza could feel her face heating up. She looked down at the carpet.  

“Eliza, look at me. I want to make sure you understand me.”

Eliza begrudgingly looked up, her face blushing redder as she did.

“You needed to be here. And you need to continue therapy. Recovery is an ongoing process. Just because we’ve determined that you’re ready to go home does not mean you’re cured.” 

Eliza’s eyes widened. Had Dr. Wheatley been able to read her thoughts? How did she know that was exactly what Eliza had been thinking?

“Do you understand? Will you keep working on recovery?”

Eliza nodded. “I understand. And… And I’ll keep working on it.”

Dr. Wheatley smiled, and her whole face was illuminated. “I am so glad, Eliza. I am so proud of you.” 

 

_ Day 22, 7:00 PM _   
  


Everyone was gathered in the Common Area, and, although they’d all been chatting in their usual groups, they were now silent, their attention fully focused on Deborah and Theodosia, who stood atop a table. For some reason, Deborah and Theodosia had started talking about  _ High School Musical _ , and were now reenacting iconic scenes from it. 

Deborah was currently playing Gabriella, singing “When There Was Me and You,” believing Troy had betrayed her. Deborah leapt from the table and wandered the room, belting the lyrics at the top of her lungs. 

“I thought you were my fairytale, a dream when I’m not sleeping! A wish upon a star that’s comin’ truuuuuuuue…” She sank to the floor in front of Aaron and sang the next part directly to him. “But everybody else could tell that I confused my feelings with the truth.” She dramatically brought a hand to her forehead, her eyes shut. “Because I liked the view…” She took Aaron’s hand. “When there was me… and you…”

That is when Aaron Burr began to laugh.

Deborah’s face lit up. She leapt to her feet, her hand still in Aaron’s, and he rose with her. “Hell yeah!” She whooped. “This is the kind of reaction I love to my art.” She hugged Aaron. 

Eliza realized she’d never heard Aaron laugh before. It was a sweet sound, almost like chimes singing gently on a breezy day.

Deborah and Theo played out a few other requested scenes before taking their final bows. When they did, Theo surprised Eliza by going up to Aaron. 

“Hey, uh, Aaron?” She scratched the back of her neck, something she only did when she was anxious. “I, uh, wanted to apologize. For that, uh, note I sent you a while ago. I’m sorry I was so mean. I just… I have trouble understanding how someone can be so secretive, but I also know it’s not my place to, like, judge you for that. We all have our reasons, and, hell, you might not understand why I’m the way I am so I just… I hope you can forgive me someday.”

He nodded at her. “Already done.”

“Really?” Theo grinned. 

Aaron nodded again, a tight-lipped smile on his face.

“I hope we can be friends sometime.” Theo glanced at Eliza, who stood off to her side. “I know you’re friends with Eliza, and I’d love to be part of that.”

Aaron looked between the two girls. “I-I would like that.” He smiled again, this time a bit more relaxed. “A lot.”

“I’m going to miss you guys,” Eliza said. 

Aaron furrowed his brow at her. “M-miss me? You-you are l-leaving?”

Eliza’s face flushed red. She’d forgotten the only person who knew she was leaving was Theo. Theo, realizing what Eliza had just let slip, shrugged. 

“You better tell them sooner rather than later.” 

“I leave on Monday.”

“You’re leaving?!” Deborah practically shouted, coming up behind Eliza. 

“Eliza is leaving?” Nancy echoed. 

“What?” Prudence exclaimed. 

“Welp, they know now…” Theo said with a grimace. 

Eliza cleared her throat. “I’m leaving Monday,” she said so everyone in the room could hear her. “And I’m going to miss you all so much.” She felt tears coming to her eyes again. 

“We just lost Molly, Paul, now Eliza…” Deborah shook her head. “But I’m so happy for you.” 

“Thanks,” Eliza whispered. “Your day will come, too,” she said.

Eliza felt someone hug her from behind, and was surprised to see it was Emily. Soon Nancy, Lydia, Mercy, and even Prudence had joined. Eliza was engulfed by everyone she’d spent the past twenty-odd days with. She’d never felt so loved by people outside of her family.

“You’re like my family,” she said. 

“We will always be your family,” Deborah said. Eliza felt her squeeze her hand. “No matter where we all are. We will always be family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: I was supposed to sing "When There Was Me and You" in my 8th grade talent show and totally nailed it at rehearsal but came down with strep the day of the show ahahaha
> 
> Can you believe there's only two chapters left??? I'm so emotional over it... I love this fic, I love you guys! I am so, so grateful to each and every one of you for coming along on this journey with me <333
> 
> Comments and kudos make my day!!! Thank you for reading!!!


	24. Day Twenty-Three

**_SUNDAY, DAY TWENTY-THREE_ **

 

__ Day 23, 5:25 AM  
  


Eliza awoke to the sound of hushed sobs. At first, she thought she was back home, and that it was one of her sisters crying, that it was the day of the funeral, that there was so much sorrow laid out ahead of her––

But then the person hiccuped, and it was distinctly Theodosia.

Eliza wanted to bolt right out of bed, but she didn’t want to alarm Theo, so she forced herself to sit up slowly and to make as much noise as possible to alert the girl. Theo fell still and quiet right away. 

“Theo? What’s wrong?”

Theo remained silent.

Eliza sighed. “I know you were crying,” she said softly. “Please talk to me?”

“Come here,” the other girl said, her voice thick with tears. 

Eliza realized she must have been crying for a while. Alone. In the dark. The realization felt like a ton of bricks had slammed into her stomach. She scrambled from her bed onto Theo’s, and soon she had the other girl in her arms. She ran a soothing hand through Theo’s hair. They sat in silence for a while, Eliza slowly rocking Theo back and forth. She knew Theo would speak when she was ready. Eliza had learned that much about the other girl–– that there was no forcing her, and that her reluctance to talk about how she felt had nothing to do with Eliza herself; Theo just needed time.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Theo eventually said, her voice cracking as she spoke. “And I started to think about you leaving, and it made me so… despondent.” 

“Oh, Theo…” Eliza said, tears welling up in her eyes. 

“And I can’t help but think of how long I’ve been here, and wonder if it’ll ever get better, if  _ I  _ will ever get better, or ever leave here, and I just… I felt so alone. You were right across from me, like mere feet away, but there might as well have been an ocean between us. If that’s what it’s like now, what will it be like once you’re gone?”

“I wish I knew what it would be like,” Eliza said. “I wish I could just take you with me.” 

“Break me out of here,” Theo said. “It’d be so romantic.” Eliza knew Theo was trying to joke, but her voice was so flat, that it only made Eliza worry more. 

“Theo, you know you’ll leave eventually, right?”

There was a too-long beat of silence. “Logically, yes. But it feels neverending. I’ve seen so many people come and go, but here I am.” Theo sat up and pulled away from Eliza. The loss of warmth, of that skin-on-skin connection, left Eliza feeling cold and stunned. 

“I wish I knew how to just leave. How to just get better already.” She pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around them. The early morning sun began to pour through their windows and illuminated Theo’s springy curls. Eliza couldn’t help but be struck by how beautiful she was. 

“They want me to find the right medication. But what if I never do? What if I’m always in this cycle?” 

“That won’t happen,” Eliza tried to reassure the other girl.

“You don’t know that,” Theo whispered. 

Eliza sighed. “You’re right. I don’t. But you can’t be here forever–– I do know that much.”

Theo sniffled, but she also nodded her head. “Will you call me?”

“Every day,” Eliza said without hesitation.

“Will you see me if you can?” 

“Of course,” Eliza said, relieved that Theo had asked. 

“Can we just… sit here and watch the sun rise?”

“‘Anything at all can happen just beyond the sunrise…’” Eliza quoted in Theo’s ear. 

“Nerd,” Theo whispered as she settled back into Eliza’s embrace.

They stayed like that until they couldn’t any longer–– a moment which came far too soon.   
  
  


_ Day 23, 1:00 PM _

 

Eliza hadn’t been this anxious since she called Angelica on the phone. Now she sat in the Common Area with Deborah and Theo, waiting for her family–– her  _ entire  _ family–– to come visit her. She hadn’t wanted to do this, but Dr. Wheatley had thought it’d be a good idea. 

“This way we can talk about any emotions it brings up before you go home,” she’d said. 

What could Eliza say to that? So of course she’d agreed.

“Could your foot tap the floor any faster?” Deborah jested, jabbing Eliza in the ribs with her elbow. 

“Ha,” Eliza said weakly. She was just barely focusing; she was just barely present. She felt hands slip into her own.

“Hey, Eliza, look at me.” 

Eliza followed Theo’s voice until their eyes were locked on each other. 

“ _ This is so gay _ ,” Deborah whispered. 

“You’re so gay,” Theo deadpanned. 

“I really am,” Deborah said with a grin.

Eliza’s foot slowed a bit as Deborah and Theo’s interaction distracted her. 

Theo squeezed her hands. “It’s gonna go fine. It’s gonna go just fine.” 

“But I haven’t talked to Peggy the entire time I’ve been here. What if she hates me? What if––” 

“Hey, hey, let’s not ‘what if’ right now, okay?” Theo said gently. 

“Okay, Dr. Theo,” Eliza muttered. 

“There’s that sass!” Deborah said.

Footsteps sounded from down the hall. Theo dropped Eliza’s hands.

“Eliza?” Nabby stood in the doorway. “Your family’s here to see you.”

“Oh god,” Eliza whispered.

“Go get ‘em!” Deborah said.

“It’ll be fine,” Theo said, her eyes locked on Eliza’s. “Just remember how much they love you.”

Eliza nodded and followed Nabby down the hallway. She paused for a moment before the doors to the visitation room. She took a deep breath and pushed them open. 

Sitting at a table across the room was her entire family. There were her parents, her father holding baby Cortlandt on his lap. Cornelia and Rensselaer squirmed in chairs between Philip and Catharine. And sitting across the table, their backs to Eliza as she entered, were Angelica and Peggy.

Angelica was the first to turn around, as if Eliza’s stare alone had alerted her to her sister’s presence. Before Eliza knew what was happening, her older sister flew out of her seat and threw her arms around her.

“Oh my  _ GOD _ ,” Angelica said. She breathed deeply. “You still smell like Eliza.” 

That snapped Eliza out of the shock Angelica’s sudden embrace had put her in, and she laughed. She didn’t just laugh–– she laughed like she used to. Before everything went so wrong. 

“Thanks?” Eliza said through her laugher. 

Angelica pulled back and held her sister at an arm’s length. Eliza took in the tears rolling down Angelica’s brown cheeks, gliding right over her flawless makeup. Her sister’s eyes were so full of love that it almost hurt to look into them. But Eliza did not break her gaze. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Eliza said. “After all this time!”

“I’ve looked at the moon every night,” Angelica said.

“Me, too,” Eliza replied. 

“So did I.” Peggy came up behind Angelica. A look of uncertainty had cast itself over her usually smiling face.

Eliza felt a stab of guilt.  _ You did this to her. _

“Peggy,” Eliza said. This time, she was the one to race to her sister, pulling the smaller girl close. Eliza didn’t realize she herself was crying until she realized Peggy was crying.

“I’m so sorry,” Eliza said into Peggy’s curly brown hair. “I’ve been the worst sister.” 

“Don’t say that,” Peggy said through her own tears. “It hurt, but I understand. It wasn’t about me.”

“It so wasn’t,” Eliza said, relieved Peggy knew this, but still anguished that it’d hurt her. “I missed you every single day.”

“Not nearly as much as I missed you.” 

Little arms wrapped themselves around Eliza’s legs. “I want a hug!” Cornelia said indignantly. 

Eliza finally broke away from Peggy, smiling at her as she bent down to scoop up Cornelia. 

Cornelia spread her arms wide. “Group hug!” she declared. 

Angelica and Peggy surrounded Eliza and Cornelia. 

“The Schuyler sisters,” Peggy whispered. “Reunited.”

Eliza grinned, tears streaking down her face. 

“Why is everyone crying?” Cornelia asked. 

“Because we’re just so happy,” Angelica said. “We’re so, so happy.”   
  
  


_ Day 23, 2:30 PM _

 

“I don’t want to go,” Peggy said as she, Eliza, and Angelica stood by the doorway of Pine Manor. 

“You’ll see me tomorrow,” Eliza said, a grin taking over her face. “Just one more night apart.” 

“It feels like forever,” Peggy said.

“We’ve made it this far, Pegs,” Angelica said. “We can make it one more night. And besides, this time you and I are together. It’ll be easier than ever.”

Peggy pouted, and Eliza booped her on the nose. “I’ll see you in less than 24 hours,” she said.

“Less than 24 hours,” Peggy echoed. 

“Okay, sweetie,” Catharine said as she swung Cortlandt’s diaper bag over her shoulder. “We will be here at 12 tomorrow to get you.” She kissed Eliza on the forehead. “Make sure you’re all packed up.”

“Sounds good,” Eliza said. 

“Bye, honey,” Philip said. He hugged Eliza with the one arm that wasn’t holding Cortlandt. “See you tomorrow.” 

“See you guys tomorrow,” Eliza said. She waved as they walked out the door. Instead of the usual sadness she felt at watching her family go, a wave of energy vibrated through her. 

__ This time tomorrow, I’ll be home. I’ll be home.  
  
  


_ Day 23, 7:00 PM  _

 

Eliza had not wanted any big celebration for her going-away. Instead, everyone gathered in the common area per usual that night. But instead of breaking off into their usual cliques, they sat in a circle, much like in group, but this time of their own choosing. 

“I wrote everyone a little something,” Eliza said, a stack of notecards in her hands. “I wrote about what each of you mean to me. Like Deborah said, we’re a family, whether or not we’re together. I hope these will help you remember that, and remember me.” 

She walked around the circle, handing each person a card.

“Th-thanks,” Burr said when she gave him his. 

“Oh, thank you,” Prudence said as if she were shocked Eliza had written her one. 

“Why, thank you, my lady,” Deborah said with a wink. 

Eliza sat once everyone had their card. The room was silent for a few moments. Eliza felt her face heating up the longer the silence continued. They were reading  _ her  _ words. What were they thinking?

A sob sounded from the circle. Eliza looked up in horror–– ashamed she’d apparently made someone cry. It was Prudence. 

“Prudence, oh my god, what––”

“Nobody has ever said something to genuinely nice to me,” Prudence said. “Y-you mean this? You really think I’m… resilient?” 

“The most resilient person I know,” Eliza said. 

“Thank you,” Prudence whispered, staring at her card. “Wow… Just… Thank you.” 

“I mean every word of it,” Eliza said.

“Awh, you said my smile is infectious!” Nancy exclaimed, beaming. “Thanks girl!”

“Y-you think I’m b-br-brave?” Emily asked. 

“So brave,” Eliza said. 

“And that I can persevere through anything?” Theo said, a shy smile on her face.

Eliza’s face blazed scarlet. “I have no doubt,” she whispered. She heard Deborah mutter  _ gay _ under her breath. 

“Thank you, uh, for saying that,” Theo said awkwardly. 

Eliza could  _ feel  _ Deborah squirming next to her. 

“I really mean it,” Eliza whispered. “I really do.”

The rest of the evening was spent chatting–– it was very lowkey, which was just what Eliza liked. Later that night, when she and Theo returned to their room, Eliza began to pack. Theo sat cross-legged on her bed, watching with a glum expression on her face.

“Have I mentioned that I’m gonna miss you?”

“Hm, only like ten times in the past ten minutes,” Eliza said jokingly. 

“Jerk.” Theo stuck her tongue out.

“Anyway, I doubt you’ll miss me half as much as I’ll miss you,” Eliza said as she threw rolled up socks in her suitcase.

“Yeah right! You’ll have your life back. I’ll be here with nothing to think of except for how much I miss you.” 

“Deborah will not let you wallow,” Eliza said. 

“Deborah has no power over me!” Theo scoffed. 

“Mhm, that’s what you think,” Eliza said with a laugh. She opened and closed her drawers a few times. They were empty. Her closet was empty. All that was left out was her stuffed bear, a change of clothes for tomorrow, and her toothbrush. That was it.  _ That was it. _

“You’re all packed,” Theo said, a note of sadness in her voice. 

“I am,” Eliza said. She walked over to Theo and held out her hands. Theo took them and squeezed. “I will call every day.” 

“Okay,” Theo said. She pulled Eliza closer. “Eliza.” She pulled Eliza onto her lap. “I wanted to tell you how amazing you are.” 

“Oh my God, Theo––” she tried to squirm away, but Theo held onto her. 

“Shh, you need to learn to accept compliments. You wrote me that beautiful card. I’m no good with written words, but let me tell you what I would write.”

Eliza stilled. Theo’s mouth hovered against Eliza’s ear, her lips brushing the rim of her ear when Theo spoke. It sent chills down Eliza’s spine in the best way possible. 

“You have blossomed from someone who had given up on life, to someone who is brimming with it. You’re the kindest person I know with a heart too large for not only your chest, but your body. You’re so strong, and you’re so brave. Being around you has made me a better person, and every day I wonder what I did right to deserve someone like you in my life.” Theo fell silent for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice was even softer than before. “You say I persevere, but you taught me perseverance. You deserve the sun, the stars, the moon, and everything in between. And my God, Eliza, do I want to be the one to give them to you.” 

“Theo…” Eliza whispered. “That was beautiful. I–– I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Theo wrapped her arms around Eliza, and Eliza rested her cheek against Theo’s shoulder. “I just wanted you to know.” 

Eliza didn’t know how long they sat on Theo’s bed like that. She only knew that when they finally untangled their limbs, it was far too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well kiddos, next week I will post the final chapter of this fic... I still cannot believe it! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and that you're looking forward to next week's! 
> 
> Don't fear that you'll never see these characters again-- there is going to be a third installment in this overall series that combines the characters in STCNTA and some of the characters from Eliza's Recovery! I'm not gonna say much more about it yet, but just know that once STCNTA ends, that third fic will begin ;) <333
> 
> See you all next week... one last time... ;) <333


	25. Day Twenty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, one last time... 
> 
> I made you a playlist that features songs that appeared in the fic, that I listened to while writing it, or that describe Eliza's journey. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WrjaIPkY4g&list=PLtRukW72cfrEtpiIeetrRVD3XY4aCEdrt

**_MONDAY, DAY TWENTY-FOUR_ **

 

_Day Twenty-four, 8:30 AM_

 

“Your last breakfast,” Deborah said as she stabbed a strawberry with her fork. “They grow up so fast!” She sniffled.

Eliza rolled her eyes, but she was grinning.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving,” Lizzie said.

“I barely believe it myself,” Eliza admitted.

“I’m deep in denial,” Theo said in her cheeriest voice. She winked at Eliza, making her blush. Theo grinned as Eliza’s face turned red.

Eliza turned her attention to the rest of the room. This was the last meal she’d share with all of these people who had become her entire world for the past 20-odd days. She could not comprehend it.

Prudence and Nancy were eating their waffles. The slightest of smiles graced Prudence’s face as she listened to Nancy. Emily sat across from them, a large smile on her face. Eliza hadn’t known Emily too well, but there was something so sweet about her.

_I wish I’d gotten to know her better._

Aaron, Mercy, and Lydia sat at their own table. Ms. Shippen sat by Aaron, but she was engaged in a conversation with Mercy, whose entire being seemed a little bit brighter than the day she’d arrived. As for Aaron–– he hadn’t had to drink Ensure for the past two days.

Eliza wondered how Molly and Paul were doing, somewhere out there in the wide, wide world, back to their normal lives. _In just a few hours, I will be like them._ She couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

 

_Day Twenty-four, 10:00 AM_

  
The first hour of group was spent talking about meditation, its health benefits, and testing out a guided meditation that Ms. Shippen led. Eliza liked how soft and soothing her voice was. She found herself getting more and more sentimental about Pine Manor with each second that passed.

_It is going to be so hard to walk out of that door._

“Okay, so, let’s chat,” Ms. Shippen said once they’d finished their meditation. “Who would like to start?”

An audible gasp sounded through the room when Aaron Burr raised his hand.

“Aaron, yes,” Ms. Shippen said as if this were an everyday occurance.

“I talked to my sister on the phone last night,” he said in a quick, quiet voice. “S-she’s the only family I-I’ve g-got.” He took a deep breath. “I c-can’t help but th-think about everything in her life that I’m missing while I’m here. I f-feel guilty n-not being there.”

Deborah nodded. “I feel that. I’ve got a bunch of siblings and I miss them so much.”

“Yeah,” Nancy echoed. “I miss mine, too. So, so much.”

“Let’s examine that feeling of guilt,” Ms. Shippen suggested. “Why do you think you feel guilty?”

Aaron shrugged. “I-I was h-hoping you’d tell me…”

Everyone laughed, and seemed shocked as they laughed, because Aaron Burr had just told a joke.

Theodosia’s hand went up. “Maybe it’s because you still haven’t accepted that you need to be here. That it’s essential to your health–– your _life_ –– to be here right now.” She looked down at her lap. “It took me forever to accept that, but once I did, things got easier and I felt less guilty.”

“Theo is right,” Lizzie said in a rushed voice, her eyes directed at the floor. “There is nothing to feel guilty about.”

Aaron nodded. “Th-thanks, everyone.”

Prudence raised her hand. “Yes, Prudence?” Ms. Shippen said.

“We all know this is Eliza’s last group.” Everyone murmured and nodded. Eliza was shocked _Prudence_ was saying something about her. She was shocked and touched, as they hadn’t been particularly close.

“Well, I figure now is a good time to give her this.” She stood and walked to where Eliza was seated. In her hands were a paper heart and one of Molly’s soldiers. “We all signed this heart for you. Molly also left this soldier for you.”

“Why’d she leave it with you?” Deborah asked, the hurt in her voice obvious.

Prudence gave her a look. “She knew you’d give away the fact that you had it long before Eliza ever left.”

Deborah’s sour expression brightened and she laughed. “Okay, damn, she knows me too well. I’m still scolding her on the phone tonight, though.”

Eliza looked at the tiny soldier, which was painted a bright shade of blue. Attached to it was a little piece of paper, the handwriting Molly’s spidery script:

 

_Even when you’re blue_

_you’re the brightest shade._

_Yours is a light_

_that never fades._

 

Eliza felt tears welling up in her eyes.

Then, she looked at the heart. It was pastel pink, made out of construction paper.

Everyone still at Pine Manor, including the staff, had signed it. 

 

_I’ll miss you! <3 Nancy _

_You better not forget me! ;) Ya girl, Deborah_

_Thank you for being my friend. –Aaron_

_Stay strong! <3 Emily _

_You have grown so much, sweetie! Keep blooming! Love, Betsey_

_I know we never really talked, but you’re still one of the best people I’ve ever met. –Prudence_

_Good luck out there! –Lydia_

_Congratulations, Eliza! I am so proud of you and the hard work you’ve done. –Ms. Shippen_

_You better come back and break me out in the dead of night ;) <3 Theo _

_I will miss your smile! Stay strong, Eliza. –Nabby_

_I wish I’d gotten to know you better. Stay strong! –Mercy_

_Thank you for holding my hand that day. I’ll never forget that, or you. Love, Lizzie_

_You are stronger than you know, Eliza. One day, you will realize it. –Dr. Wheatley_

 

“This… this is beautiful,” Eliza said, her tone hushed and reverent. She looked at everyone in the group, looked them each in the eye. “Thank you so much. I’ll cherish this forever.” She blinked and a few tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Awh man, you’re crying,” Deborah said, her voice cracking. “Now I’m crying!”

Eliza shrugged, a grin on her face. “Sorry?”

“You know you aren’t,” Deborah said with a sad giggle. “Damn, I’m gonna miss you.”

“Deborah, language…” Ms. Shippen warned. There was no force behind the warning, though, as she was smiling at the girl. Ms. Shippen turned to Eliza. “Is there anything you’d like to share or discuss with the group?”

“One last time…” Deborah said.

Eliza felt a lump in her throat. Her eyes stung as tears formed again. “Uh, I’m just… I’m so grateful to you all.” She took a steadying breath. “I couldn’t imagine ever feeling better when I came here, but you all encouraged and supported me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.”

“We’ve got your back,” Deborah said.

“Yeah,” Nancy echoed.

Aaron nodded.

Eliza had never felt so loved and supported by people who weren’t her family or lifelong friends–– by people who had just met her twenty days earlier. And now she had to leave.

_How am I going to say goodbye?_

 

_Day Twenty-four, 11:00 AM_

 

Eliza sat on the blue couch in Dr. Wheatley’s office. Over the past few weeks, it had become so familiar to her. Dr. Wheatley’s office had become such a safe space. And now she was there for the final time.

“So, how was seeing your family yesterday?” Dr. Wheatley asked as if it were a completely normal day; a completely normal session.

“It was… great, actually.” Eliza couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on her face. “I really missed my sisters.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Dr. Wheatley said.

Dr. Wheatley shifted in her chair, looking away from Eliza for a moment. When she looked back at her, she was smiling, but there was a hint of some other emotion there. Eliza couldn’t quite figure it out.

“I wanted to take you on one last hike for our final session, but the timing just didn’t work out,” Dr. Wheatley said. “How are you feeling about going home?”

“Terrified,” Eliza said with an anxious laugh. “I’m going to miss everyone here so much. I’m afraid that once I’m away from here, from a place where there’s so much support and understanding… I’m afraid I’ll crumble.”

“I don’t think that will happen, Eliza,” Dr. Wheatley said softly. “Will there be hard times? Of course. You need to continue therapy, of course, as well. But you’re in a better place. You know that, don’t you?”

Eliza stared down at the gold and blue carpet, her eyes following the lines. “Yes,” she said. “I think I do know that.”

“You’re stronger than you realize. One day you _will_ recognize that.”

Eliza gave Dr. Wheatley a sad smile. “I’m going to miss you. I wish you could be my therapist when I go home.”

Dr. Wheatley nodded, and Eliza realized her smile wasn’t her normal one–– that usual brightness that Dr. Wheatley exuded was subdued. _Maybe she’s sad, too._

“I’ll miss you, too, Eliza. I know you’ll continue to get better, even if I’m not there to see it happen. Imagine recovery like a marathon–– it’s the long haul, but you keep going. You will win the race.”

“I will win the race,” Eliza echoed before she could stop herself.

Dr. Wheatley finally grinned at her. Eliza knew she would never forget that moment, no matter what was to come.

 

_Day Twenty-four, 12:00 PM_

 

Everyone was gathered in the lobby. It all felt surreal. Eliza had just seen Molly off in this same fashion, and now it was her turn. Now she stood in the center of all her friends, her suitcases set off to the side. Nabby, Betsey, Ms. Shippen, and Dr. Wheatley stood a ways back, watching with misty eyes.

“We’re gonna miss you,” Deborah said.

“True that,” Nancy exclaimed.

“We’re gonna miss you like hell!” Theo shouted.

“I’m gonna miss all of you so much,” Eliza said.

“You better call,” Theo said, grabbing Eliza’s forearm and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Every night,” Eliza promised.

The Schuylers’ sleek, black Mercedes-Benz van pulled up in front of the door.

“Holy shit,” Deborah said. “Is that your parents’ car?”

“Yeah,” Eliza mumbled. “My dad likes to show off a bit.”

Deborah laughed. She pulled Eliza in for a hug. With her arms wrapped tightly around Eliza, she shouted, “GROUP HUG!”

Everyone surrounded the two of them. Eliza felt Theo’s hand slip into her own. _When will I next get to hold her hand?_

Eliza had no idea how long their group hug lasted, but it ended far, far too soon.

“Okay, Eliza,” Theo said. “You’re sprung!” She jabbed her in the ribs and winked. “Come back for me tonight!”

“I’ll be in your window,” Eliza joked. She looked around at the group one last time. “Well, I guess this is goodbye.” She took a deep breath. “Thank you, everyone… I’ll never forget you.”

She wasn’t sure how, but her feet somehow carried her over to her suitcases. She grabbed them, and turned toward the door. Behind her, everyone was shouting _Goodbye!_ and _We’ll miss you!_

She stared at the doors, willing her feet to move while also praying she’d stay planted right where she was.

_As soon as I go through those doors, everything changes. As soon as I go through those doors, I have no idea what’ll come next._

The back door of her family’s van slid open, and Angelica and Peggy stepped out. They were both wearing cheery sundresses. They were all smiles. They excitedly waved to Eliza, Peggy jumping up and down on the gravel driveway.

Eliza didn’t even have to think about it. She shoved the door open and ran forward.

Before she knew what was happening, her sisters’ arms were wrapped around her. Her mother was next, rocking her back and forth as she hugged her.

“I am so proud of you,” Catharine said. “So, so proud.” When she finally let Eliza go, her father embraced her.

“My Eliza,” he said. “My Eliza.”

Angelica took one of her hands, and Peggy took the other.

“The kids are with _grootmoeder_ for the day,” Angelica said. “So it’s just the three of us for the ride home!”

“And we’re getting ice cream on the way!” Peggy interjected “We passed this really cute ice cream place on the way here, and we just _gotta_ go…”

Eliza let her sisters lead her into the car. She sat between them just like she usually did–– like she had since Peggy was born.

Her father started the car, the tires crunching on the gravel as he pulled away. Eliza looked at Pine Manor Treatment Center one last time, her sisters chatting on either side of her, their hands still in hers. She was sad to leave her friends behind, but she knew that, just like Deborah had said, they would always have a connection nobody else could understand, even when they were hundreds of miles apart.

_It’s not so different from the connection I have with Angelica and Peggy. Even when we’re miles apart, even when we haven’t spoken in weeks, we’re still connected in a mysterious, magical way._ She squeezed her sisters’ hands and smiled.

Eliza Schuyler was going home.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, here we are, at the end of Eliza’s story. First of all, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for reading, for commenting, for all of the kudos, for all of the kind and supportive words. This fic is the most meaningful one I’ve ever written. I cannot tell you what your comments have meant to me. 
> 
> While I’ve never been hospitalized, Eliza and Theodosia’s experiences with depression are based off of my own. I wrote this because so many people live with mental illnesses, but rarely see themselves properly represented in any art form. When I was a teenager, all I wanted were books that reflected what I was going through. Some existed, and more exist now, but there’s still a serious lack. This fic is my humble contribution to changing that. 
> 
> I also wanted to show therapy for the positive and lifesaving experience it can be. What Dr. Wheatley said to Eliza, that recovery is a marathon, but she will win the race, is what a therapist once said to me upon my final session with her. Remember that: you WILL win the race.
> 
> If you’re struggling with mental illness, please reach out for help and support. Please know that, like Eliza and everyone else in this story, you can recover.
> 
> If you also read STCNTA, you will see Eliza in some upcoming chapters, and in the third fic of the series, which will start posting once STCNTA is completed. For updates, you can find me on tumblr @undiscoveredstory
> 
> I love you all so, so much. Thank you for going on this journey with me!!! Keep fighting and staying strong. We will win the race <333


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